Marriage Issues-Lack of Sex-Semen Stains

I have been married for 4 years.  Since marriage my husband has had problems sexually, lack of libido, really infrequent..every 6 weeks or so.  Plenty of discussions surrounding this.  Saying he will work on it etc, I have been very supportive.
It now comes to light that he has, for at least the last 3 years been in contact with an ex lover/girlfriend (also now married), albeit maybe sporadically, but nevertheless in total secrecy from me.  plus emails with female colleagues etc that were not work related, they are overly friendly in my opinion.  I have had this awful gut feeling and supsicions that maybe something is going on with other women. He also travels a lot for work.
Question is, do semen stains in underwear indicated that some form of sexual activity or severe arousal have occurred during that day.  I do the laundry.  I have seen, on many occasions, white stains on his underwear, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot.  I am now at my wits end.  Do men leak for no reason during the course of the day?  Or could it be a real sign of his cheating?
I am a mature woman, over 40 years of age and cannot believe I am even asking this question, but answers would be appreciated.
Many Thanks!!

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

   Some men do leak a little semen- that is not uncommon. A LOT of semen is not usual and would probably only happen with masturbation with his underwear on. Yes, its true that he could have the same ejaculate if he had intercourse or oral sex with his underwear still on, but why would he?

   I do think that secrecy about an ex lover is a bad sign- it could mean he was cheating but at the very least it means he is not sharing his life with you and he is not showing good faith by letting you know he has contact with other women. If these emails are overly friendly, you have a right to know what is going on- it may be just friendship- but since you didn't give me any examples I can't know if they are friendly or flirtatious-the latter being way out of line.

   All this said, there is the issue of too little sex in your relationship. You have only been married four years and having sex every six weeks or so is quite low compared to what seems to be the national norms. Norms of course don't matter if you like that level of sexual intercourse- but if you don't , its fair to say that you have the right to ask him to deal with the situation and have sex more often with you.

  It's not a good sign though that he says he "will work on it". What does that mean? How is he going to work on it? If that means coming home early, creating romantic trips every so often, or going to a counselor together- I applaud him. But if its just a vague promise, it will not mean anything.

  Something is wrong here. He should want you more, be more attentive and less secretive. I think you should see a counselor , together and separately.  You need more of him and he needs to see less of others. You need to build some passion together- or know the reason why no.

[pertykitty]

first im sorry you are going through this. you know i will give you my honest opinion. i think you should worry. my dh has never had stains, it doesnt leak out for no reason. have you confronted him about this other woman? in no way is this a good situation, him contacting her, lack of sex, stains in underwear. i think you know what is the answer could be. if he is talking to her secretly, why? if it was a no big deal just friends, then why not make it open? when we are married i believe we must be careful with friendships with ex's. i dont see why it needs to be so. do you know her and her husband? does she live in the same town? does she travel as well? if i am wrong and it is nothing, im sorry i aroused this upset. but even if they arent having a sexual relationship , its one that needs to end regardless. if he loves you and cares how you feel (providing you have told him) then he should end this for your comfort. keep me posted on this, i am very curious how he tries to protect himself. best of luck!!

[verklept]

Thankyou for your frankness...believe me when I say I am trying to not live in denial :)
The ex girlfriend, lives in the same city and works close to him. I don't know if she travels for work.  I do know that the contact with her started shortly after we married, or maybe it was going on before we married and I had no clue.  It has been going on for a while, somewhat sporadically, but nevertheless we have spoken about it a number of times.  I told him I did not like the secrecy.  They have dialogued for the past few years, now its in the open and I have actually emailed her, as he has, telling her that I do not feel it appropriate.  Not sure if that has made any difference.
I am now considering getting a PI because I have given him every opportunity to come clean, to be totally honest, yet he swears that he has never cheated and never will...I even confronted him some time back vis a vis the semen stains, he said, hey its been a long time since we have...and me not being a man and not knowing if that would cause leakage, what could I say except "well you never seem to want to make love to me"...
Perhaps someone else has found this type of stuff and will make a comment....
I suppose I live in hope that he is telling the truth...but I am really beginning to doubt it now!

[shygirl1981]

give him the boot and take that f*ker for everything you can!

[pertykitty]

im not saying this is the RIGHT thing to do, but if it were me, id check his cell for numbers when he is in the bathroom. id get into his email (if you can get the password). id even follow his butt. and why? to be able to say "you are not worth my time and my love". i, however , have time not knowing the entire truth. others will say pick up and go, and that could be the more mature and right way to take care of it. so when you emailed her did she respond? did she tell him and he ask why you were emailing her? if you can get ahold of the cell phone bill it tells you every call in or out and see if a certain number pops up while he is out of the house, town ect. ok so im done giving bad advice lol.

[verklept]

I do have his email password...he now gives it to me but then of course he's going to be extra careful knowing I see them.  The most recent email from the female associate in a place he traveled to quite often missed my eagle eyes though...he deleted it before I saw it, but said she emailed just asking how he was, yeh right, then why delete it and not send it to me!!
As for cell phone, I check the bills avidly, have been doing so for ages, have caught the odd number but he is probably on his guard with that too and probably only makes calls from his office!
This all being said, I would still like to know if white stains on mens undies mean sexual activity or leakage....???  I would love to see some more responses regarding that....
I hate how I am living at the moment, I hate feeling like I am being duped...

[Kalio1]

If he is cheating or not, who knows. I'd spend my money on a good counselor rather than a PI. To me the issue is that you don't trust him ( for good reason or not) and your intimate life with him is very unsatisfying. Those two issues, be they due to his cheating or some other reason are key to any marriage succeeding.
I'd get some counselling on my own or with your husband if he is willing.

[monkeyflower]

I agree with the previous poster; whether he's cheating or not, you're making yourself absolutely *miserable*--and for what? What, exactly, are you trying to prove? And what if he's not cheating? Will you always worry about this in the future, always checking behind him, always needing to know what he's doing, who he's with, reading his email and checking his phone calls? There are some *serious* trust issues here, warranted or not. I second the suggestion to skip the PI and any further time or energy to all this checking up, and seek counseling.

[surfergirl602]

I do the laundry and my husband is a pretty horny guy.  NEVER have I seen a semen stain in his boxers or breifs.  I have on sheets, but that's a total different situation.  I have asked him about being turned on and leaking and pre-ejactulate is clear.  It wouldn't show up white.  Now stains on the backside... that's a question I have.  Good luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

[glad2bamom]

lol

Brings to mind a poor little military boy we had on here a while ago--couldn't get the stains out of his underwear, and was worried about getting them clean enough in the service.  I'm like, "try wiping???"

[td0213]

Hi - I found some opinions to your original question on Yahoo. I tried to insert the web address but that does not appear to be working. I also pasted the person's question which is similar to yours and some of the responses. Take care.


http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060627100654AAQgZwf&show=7

Can a man have semen stains on his underwear even if we didnt have sex?
sometimes my botfriend and i do not have sex and the next morning i see little stains on his underwear. my question is does this mean he had to have came wheather cheating on me or masturbating or can this happen just through out the day. or does it mean at some point he had to have had a hard on, or can it just come out of his penis without even having a hard on. it is not alot just alittle bit on his underwears but i have to know if that means he had to have ejaculated without me for this to be on his underwear. so please all you men out there tell me if this is just something that naturally happens to men. thank you


Yes this is totally normal.

yes you can its called precum

It's a normal thing that just happens. Like us women, men have little secretions too. Sorry, I know it's gross. But don't ask him about it, because you might embarass him.


This is a natural occurance in men much like the little bit of discharge in women Don't worry :)

:
It's called "Nocturnal Emissions", and its perfectly normal.

[mba3mom]

Im really not in any position to give advice, (if you've seen my earlier post) but I can understand why you would go through his email and cell phone. Lemme tell you this...If he knows you have is password, he will get a different email under a different name. If you have his cell bill, he will only make calls from work and pay phones, which EQUALS you will drive yourself nuts trying to uncover the truth...which you may never get...Do you plan on staying with him no matter what? You have to ask yourself that question first. Does he stay away from home alot? Has he admitted to any cheating? Do you have proof? What did you do about it? How much is he worth to you? One thing I do know..Semen does not leak into a mans drawers unless he is aroused or has had sex. Its that simple. There is no excuse for that. If you really want to stay with him, I suggest talking as much as possible. Try to get the truth out and get over it. For the sake of your sanity. Blessings.

[sparkeler]

Well, I dont know if he's cheating or not.  But masturbation can also explain the stains.

[southernguy911]

Of course men leak!  We have at least 15 unexplained a day...

[tooparanoid]

yeh, not defending him or trying to be gross...but i only have semen stains on my underwear if i masterbate, not if i have sex.  Hope i was helpful

[murfguy]

I'm a 27yo male, and came across this board while looking for a way to get rid of semen stains on suits (my wife went down on me while I was driving...)

Anyway, men do get semen stains on their briefs/boxers more than you think.  However, its always from:
1. heavy make out sessions, where your pants stay on and your very turned on (precum can stain)
2. you ejaculate in your pants
3. you masturbate all over yourself, and then pull your shorts up.

If your having sex, its doubtful, since you either ejaculate inside a woman, or in a condom.  The chances of him being such a lousy lover that he finishes sex and then within seconds gets dressed - well only you could know if he does that.  

More importantly, you don't trust him, and probably for good instinct reasons.  Life is too short to live in constant worrying about him cheating.  

[verklept]

Thank you for all of your comments and help.  I really appreciate it.

I am indeed having "trust" issues which arose due to the secret friendships with other "female friends" and the lack of sexual intimacy that has been the staple of our short marriage.  I am having a hard time buying into it being a problem that has been with him for many years when he seems to do so little about understanding what the problem is, and how it can be fixed, if it can.

It also seems that semens stains without some sort of "sexual excitement" are a little unlikely, so I need to really decide how best to approach this whole situation. Counseling would be helpful if I could get him to commit to going and find someone who specializes with "sexual intimacy issues", especially within marriage. He has constantly denied any type of inappropriate behaviour with any other women etc, which of course I would expect even if he were cheating, so that is of no help really.

Living like this is no fun, on that WE all seem to agree.  I have to have some peace of mind.

thank you all again.
May 2007 be happy, healthy, peaceful and successful for us all.

[verklept]

Some men do leak a little semen- that is not uncommon. A LOT of semen is not usual and would probably only happen with masturbation with his underwear on. Yes, its true that he could have the same ejaculate if he had intercourse or oral sex with his underwear still on, but why would he?


I do think that secrecy about an ex lover is a bad sign- it could mean he was cheating but at the very least it means he is not sharing his life with you and he is not showing good faith by letting you know he has contact with other women. If these emails are overly friendly, you have a right to know what is going on- it may be just friendship- but since you didn't give me any examples I can't know if they are friendly or flirtatious-the latter being way out of line.

All this said, there is the issue of too little sex in your relationship. You have only been married four years and having sex every six weeks or so is quite low compared to what seems to be the national norms. Norms of course don't matter if you like that level of sexual intercourse- but if you don't , its fair to say that you have the right to ask him to deal with the situation and have sex more often with you.

It's not a good sign though that he says he "will work on it". What does that mean? How is he going to work on it? If that means coming home early, creating romantic trips every so often, or going to a counselor together- I applaud him. But if its just a vague promise, it will not mean anything.

Something is wrong here. He should want you more, be more attentive and less secretive. I think you should see a counselor , together and separately. You need more of him and he needs to see less of others. You need to build some passion together- or know the reason why no.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.  I have for several years been asking him to get help or work on the problem.  Unfortunately he has not taken any steps in that direction. We went to counseling a couple of times, he got angry, and then said it wasnt helpful, only destructive.  He says arguments are destructive, he avoids conflict whenever possible.  He rarely brings up the problem, I am the instigator, which I am now feeling is a waste of time.  I have said that I find it strange that he never wants to talk about a problem that needs fixing and that is so damaging to our relationship.  I have explained how it is all affecting me, my trust issues, self esteem/self image, confidence etc.  I have communicated that his lack of action in any of it just communicates a lack of interest to me and nothing else.  He can say how much he loves me etc, but if there are no actions that accompany the words, then it is meaningless to me.

As a background to some of what has been going on:
I accompanied him on a trip earlier this year, it was a business conference he had to attend.  I went with and literally saw an email dialogue with one of the "female friends" who works in the same industry, arranging to meet for lunch later that day.  I was in our hotel room with him when it was orignally sent, he said absolutely nothing to me at the time. He went off to the conference, I went sight seeing. He was the last one back from the conference that night, blamed it on traffic.  I asked him about the lunch and why he had not told me, knowing that she was one of his female friends I felt uncomfortable about, and he just didnt get it at all.  How convenient for him. So I am probably just sitting here with my head stuck and buried in the sand because no matter what he says that its all innocent, something just does not seem right about that event.  Then, oh boy, I probably look like a right idiot, I see an email to his ex g/f saying hey I'm back from ......it was hot and humid, sounds like fun, but it wasnt...and I was on the trip with him...which was not fun, as we had a very heated discussion about his lunch companion and all this other stuff.

He says he stopped all conversations etc now.  He has told me most recently when either of these particular women have emailed him or called him.  He says he has not responded.  He says that he wants to work on it and loves me more than anything. I am just so confused and dont know what to believe any more.

[HappilyMarried]

Speaking from personal experience, your huaband has a jar that he keeps alot of secrets in and it's a miserable existence. It's a vacuum because he doesn't deal with it and it needs to be fed. He knows that if he comes clean it will permanently damage your relationship. Most people would say, what they don't know can't hurt them and that he should just love you and put all the other stuff away. But actually, your sex life and yor relationship will never be what you wnat it to be until he can open up that jar and share with you. He'll never give you all of him until you can see the other part of him. You're basically married to two people right? alot of pwople are, . . I'd guess most people are. Want the perfect marriage, you both have to accept that you're not perfect and come clean. start over, and keep nothing from each other. And you'll need to initiate it and be open. It will hurt really bad but it's necessary to complete your union. He probably has secret sexual desires that you need to know and help him with, . . if you can't he'll continue to cheat. And he is cheating.

[glory67]

A related discussion, Semen Stains was started.