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Need some advice Tired of begging
I am a 56 year old woman, my husband is 54. We got married in March of 2008, and 3 weeks later I was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer that had spread to my back and femur. Two months later my husband joined a motorcycle club and seemed to always be gone to a meeting on the day of the week that I had chemo (no he never went to chemo with me but twice). We only had sex about 4 times the first year we were married. He kept telling me it was because I didn't feel up to it even tho it was me that was asking. May 25, 2009 we had sex, that was the last time. He had plenty of excuses, he was tired, it was too early, it was too late, etc. Then it became physical first it was his heart, but they did tests and he was fine. Then it was his prostate, they did tests yes he had a blockage they removed it and the dr. said he was fine. They gave him samples of everything for helping Viagra and so on. Don't know if it would work he won't take it. I asked him if we could have sex this morning, he got mad ended up saying that I was cruel and mean and wants a divorce. What can I do to save my marriage. I am in remission but I think he is scared that he will get it. If my husband don't love me I don't see any point in fighting this cancer any more. Please tell me what to do.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Paulie.
I'm so sorry this happened to the two of you. It's obvious that your husband is having great difficulty in accepting your medical condition. But we can't possibly know what's happening without hearing from him. There's only one way to find out what's going on, and that's to ask.
Certainly a man in his 50’s may, indeed, be tired and stressed. It’s not unusual at all for sexual frequency to drop off in our 40’s or 50’s, since our stamina isn’t the same as when we’re younger. Maybe when you’re young, you can run a marathon, but once you get a bit older, you might be satisfied with running a mile or so. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy what you do—you just need to make adjustments.
Or there may be something else going on, and he’s looking for an opening to tell you. As I said: there's only one way to find out: ask. So you two need to sit down and discuss this—but not in an accusatory way. Don’t attack him, because when you attack someone, what happens? That’s right; they get defensive—and with good reason. To have a constructive discussion, share your feelings in a calm, non-confrontational manner—and use “I” statements. That means you share your feelings without blaming or accusing him. For instance, you might say: “Honey, I love you so much, and I love having sex with you. I appreciate how hard this has been on you. I really do miss you. I miss being close, and I miss being sexual. I think it might be because of my condition, and I’m not complaining. I’m just wondering if we can work out something so we can still have sex and be close?” You get the picture. Offer some possible solutions too.
If he's unwilling or unable to discuss it, you need to see a counselor ASAP. A trained therapist can help the two of you open your communication so you can each feel safe talking about your feelings. This may be difficult for him at first, but if your marriage is worth it, it's worth the effort. Good luck! Dr. J
I'm so sorry this happened to the two of you. It's obvious that your husband is having great difficulty in accepting your medical condition. But we can't possibly know what's happening without hearing from him. There's only one way to find out what's going on, and that's to ask.
Certainly a man in his 50’s may, indeed, be tired and stressed. It’s not unusual at all for sexual frequency to drop off in our 40’s or 50’s, since our stamina isn’t the same as when we’re younger. Maybe when you’re young, you can run a marathon, but once you get a bit older, you might be satisfied with running a mile or so. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy what you do—you just need to make adjustments.
Or there may be something else going on, and he’s looking for an opening to tell you. As I said: there's only one way to find out: ask. So you two need to sit down and discuss this—but not in an accusatory way. Don’t attack him, because when you attack someone, what happens? That’s right; they get defensive—and with good reason. To have a constructive discussion, share your feelings in a calm, non-confrontational manner—and use “I” statements. That means you share your feelings without blaming or accusing him. For instance, you might say: “Honey, I love you so much, and I love having sex with you. I appreciate how hard this has been on you. I really do miss you. I miss being close, and I miss being sexual. I think it might be because of my condition, and I’m not complaining. I’m just wondering if we can work out something so we can still have sex and be close?” You get the picture. Offer some possible solutions too.
If he's unwilling or unable to discuss it, you need to see a counselor ASAP. A trained therapist can help the two of you open your communication so you can each feel safe talking about your feelings. This may be difficult for him at first, but if your marriage is worth it, it's worth the effort. Good luck! Dr. J
I know where you are at and he is a foul. I would love to have a wife to want to make love. He really don't have you in his heart and above all these times together are so very important. If my wife had gone thru all you have and could have lost her, I would want to make her life as wonderful and fulfilling as I could. Love is precious and making love is so precious and to have a wife that values it like you would be awesome. If he wants to get a divorce (I can't believe I am going to say this) then let him have his self centered wish. You are worth so much more and have so much more to give and he isn't worth the hurt and pain you are going thru.I might be a different bird but I value this part of the relationship very much and some won't agree with me but to make love is sacred and can make the bad times seem alot better. I too have to beg to make love and to be able to satify her to the fullest and it gets very old and tiring to be this way. Love making should be desired by both partners and the goal is to satisfy each other to the fullist.
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