This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Hi, my husband takes hours to finally ejeculate during sex, and I mean hours, he has to concentrate extremely hard and if he is interupted he has to start all over again...he has an erection the whole time...sex has become, or I should say, cumming has become more of a chore rather than enjoyment for him. Any ideas... has has been like this for years and years....even when masterbating it takes him aleast 1 1/2 to 2 hours to ***?
Well, first off, I’m not the expert on your husband, HE is. And without his input, anything I tell you is just guessing. Have you two discussed this? And is it a problem for him—or are you the one with the problem? If it’s bothering either of you, then it’s a problem for you as a couple, and you both have a role in making it better.
There are many reasons why men inhibit their orgasm—some emotional and some physical. Let’s start with the physical or medical factors.
Some of the many potential contributing factors are: injury, reactions to medications (especially blood pressure medications and antidepressant and antipsychotic drugs), diabetes, too much alcohol or recreational drug use, or other vascular problems.
Something may be preventing him from allowing himself to let go. Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. High-achieving or very anxious men may have a particularly difficult time of letting go of a goal and just enjoying themselves. The other message that many men—and women—receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. This is more common among people who have been raised in a strict, pleasure-negative religious or philosophical orthodoxy.
There’s only one way to find out: ask him whether anything is bothering him, etc. What is he thinking about during sex? Is he distracted, or is he enjoying it?
So, to recap: he may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues. Either way, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of trying too hard, which, in turn, just leads to more stress. And you know what? It’s not that uncommon, and it’s not that hard to change. Take a deep breath, and talk with him in a caring and non-judgmental way about what’s going on. You might encourage him to write his own question to me, to share what’s going on in his head while he’s being sexual.
If none of these fit, I’d encourage him to have a urological check-up to determine whether there’s some other physical factor. Dr. J
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