Aa
Recently Engaged
I recently got engaged 6 months ago to my girlfriend of 2 years. After we got engaged I noticed that my fiance's mood became very unstable. She would get very angry at the smallest things, as far as being physically abusive to me on 2 occasions when she became angry. Our sexual relationship has also come to a hault (prior to being engaged we were very active sexually). She eventually came out to tell me that she was physically abused by her father when she was young in addition to being abused by her piano teacher 15 years ago. I feel as though I have been cheated because she failed to tell me this information that is having a very negative effect on our relationship. I have found that I am not as in love with her since I began to see this 'other' side to her. She is willing to see someone about these issues. I do not know if I want to continue to be with her. We are supposed to get married in 10 months and I feel as though the relationship will fail because of the problems that we are having. What should I do? Should I postpone the wedding to see if things change and I fall back in love with her? Should we see a therapist together, or should she see one alone?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
You should definitely postpone the wedding and I do think seeing a therapist together would be a good idea. She has some very traumatic events in her background and they have obviously affected her and may be related to these violent mood swings. I don't know if she has had therapy before- you need to find out if she has ever seen anyone-and if so, why she is still so disturbed. You need to know that some women never get over the trauma of sexual betrayal and abuse and that it could destroy a relationship. It is not a good beginning, to say the least, that she ommitted a very important aspect of her life. In order to get over her treatment, she needs to spend whatever time in therapy it takes to feel good about herself and men again-- and that may take more time than you want to spend with her-- especially if she is abusive in the meantime.
I hope you can be compassionate. She has had some terrible things done to her. What the future will be however, is a question mark. Don't marry until the answers are certain and your previous level of love and devotion return. If you do not feel the same again, then sadly , the marriage shouldn't take place.
You cannot control your feelings- if you feel lied to and misled, it will take a lot of work and many fine qualities to get over it. But given how close you have been, it may be worth the effort. You just need to be sure that she can behave consistently and not have this other personality emerge with a reversion to anger and striking out. You may feel for her- but that won't save the relationship unless the two of you can work together to have her whole, loving, honest and safe to be with.
I hope you can be compassionate. She has had some terrible things done to her. What the future will be however, is a question mark. Don't marry until the answers are certain and your previous level of love and devotion return. If you do not feel the same again, then sadly , the marriage shouldn't take place.
You cannot control your feelings- if you feel lied to and misled, it will take a lot of work and many fine qualities to get over it. But given how close you have been, it may be worth the effort. You just need to be sure that she can behave consistently and not have this other personality emerge with a reversion to anger and striking out. You may feel for her- but that won't save the relationship unless the two of you can work together to have her whole, loving, honest and safe to be with.
Give her some time to see if she is genuinely interested in counselling and wants to come out of the past. If, for some reason the counselling does'nt do any good to her and she continues to be abusive, then be firm and be prepared to call the shots. Of course you love her and you are sincere about it. But you do not have to lose your future and life over a woman who does'nt care to change and has no regard for your sentiments and emotions.
Thank you for your comments! I like what you have to say.
ok, so I have spoken with her and have decided to stick by her side and get help as a couple. We are seeing someone together next month. She tells me that she was so close to loosin me that she will do whatever it takes to work out these problems. I do love her, but at what point do I get up and walk away if the problems only persist and get worse?
Good luck to you both. I think there is a good chance that with counseling, she will get through this. Its just a shame that she was victimized like that and held it in for so long.
Thank you for your insight. I am a person who truly values marriage. I just want to make sure I am not moving in a direction of misery for my future. I do love this woman, but sometimes love is not enough. I truly hope and pray that her problems are fixable!
If you love her there is no time to get up and walk away. I had a very abusive(physical and sexually)past from my mom's bf to my bf's. My dh knew some of the past when we got engaged, but the rest of it came out later into the marrage. I gave him the chance to leave, but he told me that he loves me and will stand by my mood swings and issues no matter how hard it gets. I will tell you it was very rough going for a while, but I feel now that he can be trusted with my past and help heal the pain. We have been married for 9yrs and have 4 wonderful kids. If you really and truely love her stand by her, it will be hard and nerve racking, but worth it in the end.
Good luck.
Good luck.
"I do love her, but at what point do I get up and walk away if the problems only persist and get worse?"
npeezi,
There really is no easy answer to this and really, you are the one who needs to make the decision as to what you are capable of handling. I know for me, I love my husband unconditionally. There are times that I learn something new about him and vice versa, that makes me love him even more.
If you guys go to counseling, I think things will get better. They made get a little rocky first, because she needs to bring her problems to the surface first to then wipe them clean. If you don't see any behavior changes in her during so many weeks or months of counseling... then you could always ask the counselor what he/she thinks. I know you are concerned about being in a relationship with this "other side of her that gets angry at little things often"... as you said she started changing. I think the counseling is going to help her and will make her stronger and she's going to need all of the support she can get.
npeezi,
There really is no easy answer to this and really, you are the one who needs to make the decision as to what you are capable of handling. I know for me, I love my husband unconditionally. There are times that I learn something new about him and vice versa, that makes me love him even more.
If you guys go to counseling, I think things will get better. They made get a little rocky first, because she needs to bring her problems to the surface first to then wipe them clean. If you don't see any behavior changes in her during so many weeks or months of counseling... then you could always ask the counselor what he/she thinks. I know you are concerned about being in a relationship with this "other side of her that gets angry at little things often"... as you said she started changing. I think the counseling is going to help her and will make her stronger and she's going to need all of the support she can get.
She has problems that she needs to address. You have to ask yourself if your emotionally and physically capable of sticking by her. You see the "other" side to her and you don't like it. You have a glimpse of what's ahead and it may be rough. You cannot save anyone so don't feel guilty if you want to find somebody that's more "stable" in her shoes. You are not a bad person if you realize that your not as inlove as you once believed. Your just seeing the whole picture now. Sometimes it isn't that pretty and she deserves someone who CAN stick by her and loves her for her. You deserve to have the best kind of love too. Good luck!
I don't believe this marriage would have worked (if you did get married, without knowing about her sexual abuse or if she hadn't been sexually abused) Part of making a commmitment to one another is sticking through the tough times. There isn't one person alive who hasn't had issues and it is funny how our issues always come to the surface, eventually.
I think it is great your significant other (or now ex) wants to get counseling. I wish her nothing but success in the future. I can't imagine what she's been through and how hard it was to carry this load for so long. I'm sure it was difficult for her to trust you enough to tell you about what happened. I understand why she was afraid to talk about it.
Just do it as gently and as kindly as you can. I wouldn't want to walk down the aisle w/someone who didn't love me. Don't let your fear of "abandoning" her get in the way. Believe me, if you don't want to be in this relationship, it's the best thing you can do for her. She is beginning to get honest with her life and what happened to her, help her do that by coming clean yourself. Once you do it, you both can move on.
Hey Sweetie!
Ok! Let's take a deep breath.
Now, do you love this women? If your answer is YES then you to sit her down and talk with her. I know from personal experience that it is not easy to talk about being abused. It takes of guts to talk about those kinds of things. The fact that she wants to get help says alot. Yes! She is going to be angry at times. She is scared. She may feel that you may do the same thing to her.You need to get her trust. When you truely love someone you except them the way they are even with ALL THEIR FAULTS.
Where you serious when you asked her to marry you?
Ya know, sex DOES NOT make the relationship. It takes alot more.
I hope this helps. SMILE!!!
Ok! Let's take a deep breath.
Now, do you love this women? If your answer is YES then you to sit her down and talk with her. I know from personal experience that it is not easy to talk about being abused. It takes of guts to talk about those kinds of things. The fact that she wants to get help says alot. Yes! She is going to be angry at times. She is scared. She may feel that you may do the same thing to her.You need to get her trust. When you truely love someone you except them the way they are even with ALL THEIR FAULTS.
Where you serious when you asked her to marry you?
Ya know, sex DOES NOT make the relationship. It takes alot more.
I hope this helps. SMILE!!!
Thank you for all of your comments. Ever since we got engaged this other side has been coming out more and more. I am not attracted to this side, and do not think that a successful marriage will work out. Although I feel as though i am abandoning this person who i once loved,,,,,,it is making me feel horrible. I do not know how to express my newfound feelings to her.
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