What to think..

I am a 30 year old woman, married for two years but have been with my husband for seven years in total. We have three children and my problem is pretty complicated.I have always had a  really high sex drive and loved to experiment which is why I felt comfortable with my husband. But ever since we got married he lost all interest in me.  I am well aware that men like variety and eventually sex dies down but I am reaching my sexual peak, we have only had sex about 5-6 times in 2 years. After a year of constant rejection I became frustrated and started to communicate with other men I met online and exchange sexually charged emails and started to complain about my husband behind his back. It is something I am not proud of. Well he found out. I apologized and promised to work on fixing everything..I began counseling, began opening up to him and helped him to relieve some of his work pressure..My problem is that I feel that the damage can't be undone. I am feeling very frustrated because it's only been two years and I do not want to live the rest of my life in celibacy. I understand that my husband is hurt but he has pushed me away for 2 years. My self esteem is shattered, I don't want to initiate sex for fear of being humiliated, I feel so worthless and am starting to feel resentment building up again. I am aware of the pain I caused and own up to it but I feel the situation was a result of his neglect. He never touches me and prefers to masturbate to porn because "it's easier". It makes me feel worse knowing that he prefers to masturbate and gives me the "I'm tired" line. My husband doesn't want to talk about it and I fear that it will never change...Is there any advice on how  to proceed? Divorce is out of the question because we have small children.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

You have to realize this isn't just YOUR problem; it's a couple problem, and both of you share responsibility. I'm wondering why only YOU went to counseling. Why hasn't your husband gone with you to discuss these issues?

You're getting clear signals from him: he prefers self-pleasuring and has pulled away, either to punish you or because he's no longer turned on to you or because he feels too vulnerable being sexual with you.

If he won't talk about it, what do YOU think are your options? You'll be stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage. And don't think that won't affect your children, because it most certainly will.

He may be reluctant to discuss this with you because of your past history, but if this relationship is worth saving to you, you have to dive in. And that means opening up communication in a non-threatening way. Don’t attack him or accuse him of anything. Be gentle and understanding so he’ll feel comfortable opening up. A good approach is to tell him that you realize that you’re in this together and whatever affects him also affects you, so you want to discuss what’s going on so that together, the two of you can find a solution. If this is unsuccessful, suggest that the two of you get help so you can both talk about what your issues are. A counselor can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[gagootza]

thats pretty selfish on his part.your not the problem.he's addicted to porn like some people are addicted to drugs.he has it in his mind that in the real world sex is supposed to be like that.but it isn't ,its just acting.maybe he enjoys it when you come to him well stop going to him ,just act like you don't care and maybe he will start wondering why.if you have to turn to masturbation then do it.i won't suggest devorce because of the children.but your life will be misserable .thats something to think about.would he be willing to see a marriage conselor,if not then he's hopeless.i hope i was of some help to you and i hope things work out for you one way or another.good luck.you deserve better