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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
low sex drive
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
low sex drive
by nelly052, Mar 19, 2009 08:25PM
I am eighteen and so is my boyfriend we have been together for about two years now and we used to have sex on a daily basis sometimes more than once a day. Now were lucky if we have sex once a week. His sex drive is still high(like a healthy male) but mine seems to have fallen away completely. He nevers pressures me to have sex so he is waiting for my sex drive to return. Im worried this may have negative effects on our relationship. We love eachother dearly so i want to know how to increase my sex drive. could you help?
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Mar 21, 2009 07:04PM
, Mar 21, 2009 07:04PMTo: nelly052
First of all, you’re not alone. This feeling happens to most of us at some time in our lives. We often go through periods where our desires may take a break. You mention that you want to increase your "sex drive." Please know that there’s nothing “wrong” with you; you’re just human.
I’m assuming when you use the term “sex drive” that you’re referring to your interest in sex and/or your desire for sex.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.
There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.
Let’s look at some possibilities regarding your lack of desire. One possibility is that your boyfriend no longer turns you on. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? You’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your boyfriend’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
I’m also wondering whether you are still having any kind of sexual fantasies—apart from your relationship—and whether you’re self-pleasuring. If you’re still interested in sex in general, apart from your relationship, this could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
I’m assuming when you use the term “sex drive” that you’re referring to your interest in sex and/or your desire for sex.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.
There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.
Let’s look at some possibilities regarding your lack of desire. One possibility is that your boyfriend no longer turns you on. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? You’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your boyfriend’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
I’m also wondering whether you are still having any kind of sexual fantasies—apart from your relationship—and whether you’re self-pleasuring. If you’re still interested in sex in general, apart from your relationship, this could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
