low sex drive

I am eighteen and so is my boyfriend we have been together for about two years now and we used to have sex on a daily basis sometimes more than once a day. Now were lucky if we have sex once a week. His sex drive is still high(like a healthy male) but mine seems to have fallen away completely. He nevers pressures me to have sex so he is waiting for my sex drive to return. Im worried this may have negative effects on our relationship. We love eachother dearly so i want to know how to increase my sex drive. could you help?

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

First of all, you’re not alone. This feeling happens to most of us at some time in our lives. We often go through periods where our desires may take a break. You mention that you want to increase your "sex drive." Please know that there’s nothing “wrong” with you; you’re just human.

I’m assuming when you use the term “sex drive” that you’re referring to your interest in sex and/or your desire for sex.

Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel. Remember that anxiety is the enemy of desire. So first, give yourself permission to feel just the way you do.

There! Feel a little better? Now you need to decide on your second step.

Let’s look at some possibilities regarding your lack of desire. One possibility is that your boyfriend no longer turns you on. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? You’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant.

And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.

Are you anxious? If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?

There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.

And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your boyfriend’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?

I’m also wondering whether you are still having any kind of sexual fantasies—apart from your relationship—and whether you’re self-pleasuring. If you’re still interested in sex in general, apart from your relationship, this could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.

So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. Best of luck to you. Dr. J

[Casanovaaa]

My boyfriend(20) and I(19) of two years have been living together about a year. The past couple months I find not only his desire is depleting, but simple intimate things that I crave, like going out on romantic dates, making out, and snuggling/cuddling or anything romantic for that matter have either disappeared or are so infreqent I can't even recall them. We used to go at it like bunnies. But soon it changed from daily, to twice a week, to maybe 3 or 4 times a month. Now, the only sex we do have involves me creating all the inspiration. On most nights he will let me touch and massage him but when he is up at attention(pun intented) and I try to pursue it,  then he has the gall to tell me its too late or he is too tired. Its like why did I even put in the effort to turn you on when your just going to be a tease.... Which doesn't make sense because the only thing he works hard at is hitting his bong. I'm tired of begging my own boyfriend to satisfy my natural urges, which have gotten stronger from the lack of intimacy. I like sex, I enjoy it, and on top of that he is the only person I've been intimate with and I'm not ready or ok with a mediocre sex life! How can I explore my sex life if he won't cooperate? How can I get him to cooperate? I've never cheated, but I'd be a liar if I said I haven't had offers for guilt free sex, and didn't admit I wanted it. I haven't given in because I am head over heels in love with this man and I could never betray him like that. I just don't understand why he doesn't want me anymore. I'm not unattractive by any means, I'm kinky, willing to experiment,  and I even let him go down to brown town if you catch my drift(forgive the lame play on words)uncomfortable subject. Isn't that what girlfriends are suppose to be like? I just feel like I'm giving everything I can and more and I get nothing but rejection and night after night of self loathing and silently crying myself to sleep. I just want to be close to him like we used to be, any advice would be appreciated. I feel like I'm loosing my best friend here.