mental abuse

[ch1962]

I was married for 18 years to a State Trooper who physically and mentally abused me.  He told me over and over I was fat and ugly and I am having a hard time letting go of that.  I am 44 years old, 5'6" and weight 132.  I have lost 83 pounds.  Men tell me all the time I am beautiful but I just cant put my baggage away to believe them.  When they start getting close I close my doors and push them away.  I dont want to do this, but I cant seem to control it.  Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

    I am sorry for what you have suffered but I have to ask you- now that it's over, why do you want to continue to be abused? Your husband has left you a legacy of self doubt and isolation-- do you want to let him triumph- or claim all the love and emotion you deserve?  You need to understand that other people are not lying to you- if they give you a compliment , they mean it.  But whether or not you are beautiful, you are a human being that someone will treasure for many reasons- only oneof which is how you look. A normal man ( your husband was not normal) would not treat you so horrifically and would also love you for qualitites of your personality and spirit. You own these qualities and no one can take them away from you unless you agree to hand over that power.
   What do you gain by pushing a good man away? You say you can't control it- but of course you can...  if you find yourself panicing when someone gets close- talk to them, let them help you calm your fears, and then stop backing away.  You don't have to have a life partner- but even if you want a deep but uncommitted relationship, you need to trust someone. Of course neither you or anyone else should trust someone wihtout solid proof and experience with them that shows they are worthy of that trust- but most men are not abusers. Yes, you should be  be prepared to leave if you have serious evidence that a man you are seeing is emotionally or physically dangerous. But if there is no such evidence, you have to remember that you are being paranoid and you have to curb your anxiety.

   If you can't let anyone close- and can't trust anyone,you need to go to a therapist.  A therapist will take time to find out what triggers your urge to escape and help you work through it with specific exercises or routes to emotional relief and security. If you can't get over your trauma, then go see a professional. You deserve to be loved and respected and you can be.

[sparkeler]

Go Leif!!

[PlateletGal]

"i know some girls who seem to gravitate towards the same kind of "a-holes" time and time again. make sure your next guy is of a better class so you don't
go through this again. there are plenty of nice guys out there"


Well said !

[dalip]

I was married for 8year(together 14) to a bloke who told mme the same. He also used to beat me. My 3 children gave me the courage to leave him but believe me it is a real struggle to get back to normality. You have to work out the self doubts yourself. I re-married and i tested him every day for about 2 years. How he ever stuck me i will never know,i put him through hell because i could not believe anybody found me beautiful. Personal things my ex said made me terrified in bed. I could not even stand any male giving me a kiss on the cheek.
It took me a long time with a very loving and supportive partner but i got there in the end.We have now been married 15 years and i thank god i met him.
There is someone out there for you too, who will love and respect you for who you are and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Its not easy but just remember and keep telling yourself over and over. HE HAD THE PROBLEM NOT. HE WAS THE INSECURE ONE NOT YOU.
THE ONLY WAY HE COULD CONTROL YOU AND KEEP YOU HIS, WAS TO BRAINWASH YOU INTO BELEIVING YOU WOULD NOT GET ANYBODY ELSE.
best of luck sweeheart from a survivor!

[scoutshadow]

Congratulations on ending the cycle of abuse.  That's a huge and major step to take and you did it .  Now you need to sit back and reassess what you want from life.  If you feel it would benefit seek therapy/counselling - it does help.  You could write a list of all your attributes and keep them close to you.   Good luck with your new life away from the negative criticism of your husband.  Just remember don't be too critical on yourself and accept all compliments in the spirit in which they are given.

[mami1323]

Sweetie, that's all about control.  He puts you down so that you feel like he is all you can get because you are "fat" and "ugly".  This is part of his abuse.  You were smart and strong enough to get away from this monster.  You have to start over.  Do not ever let anyone control how you feel.  If men have said that you were attractive, why don't you believe them but you believe that abusive jerk?  18 years of put down's shows how completely understandable it is for you to feel the way you do.  You should do something for yourself.  Keep working out, get in the best shape you can, get a new hair cut, go shopping.  Anything that you think will make you feel better.  Although, this is all external and physical changes that you can make, you have to work on your emotional and mental well being.  I have a friend who just got out of a mentally abusive relationship.  This woman is a personal trainer who used to compete in women's bodybuilding.  She has an awesome body but he made her feel so bad about herself that she thinks that she is ugly.  She is far from it, everyone around her sees how beautiful and wonderful she is but she needs to see it for herself.  She is going to therapy and it is helping her get her courage and self esteem back.  It is ok for you to have your guard up with other men but don't let it hinder you from moving into a great relationship with a good man.  There are a ton of men that aren't abusive and know how to treat a woman correctly.  Good luck and believe in yourself.

[leif ericson]

one more thing, you should take a close look at what kind of
thought proccess you went through to pick that moron so you don't make the same mistake again. i know some girls who seem to gravitate towards the same kind of "a-holes" time and time again. make sure your next guy is of a better class so you don't
go through this again. there are plenty of nice guys out there
who love to support and encourage their loved ones.    l.e.

[SNORCHY]

Have you thought about seeking help through therapy? It might really benefit you and help you to better cope with the negative feelings that are left from your marriage. You deserve to feel good about yourself!

[PlateletGal]

When men do those things to women, it shows THEIR insecurities. Men have said this to women who were physically attractive, just to try to bring them down on THEIR level. Don't let that one, horrible man's comments dictate the rest of your life. You know who you are, what makes you special and beautiful on the inside/outside. Please don't let one jerk take that away from you ! Look in the mirror, thank God you got away from him, SMILE and HAVE FUN!!!

[leif ericson]

if you stress over what that dipship said to you, HE WINS !!!
don't let him, remove those thoughts from your head, get some therapy if you need to, but erase that mother@#$%^& from any
existence !                 l.e.

[sparkeler]

I agree.  He has convinced you that your worthless and YOUR NOT.  I'm so glad your marriage ended.  You should talk to a therapist.  I don't know if you have any spiritual beliefs, but you can try praying and/or meditation.  Exercise or yoga can help.  Do something you truley enjoy, something that makes you you warm and fuzzy inside,if even for an hour a week.  A combination of prayer, therapy, and exercise should get you on the right track.  And start looking at yourself in the mirror everyday, when you wake up and before you go to bed, and say 'I'm worth it, I'm unique, and I look damn good.'  Even if you don't believe it now, you will start.  Fake it til you make it.  Good luck to you!