This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
My problem may be really unique in the fact that I am constantly aroused and it has started to interfere with my life. I masturbate and feel relieved for a minute and then I am totally distracted again and feeling the need to either have sex or masturbate. This has become more significant of a problem because I am in grad school now and everytime I sit down to start reading within paragraphs uncomfortably squeezing my thighs together and within minutes wanking again. I am really distressed so serious responses only please. I need to drastically lesson my sex drive or learn how to overcome it when I have more important things to do. As it is now... the feeling is just unbearable. I'll even feel around sitting in class or in my car. I just masturbated 10 minutes ago and I feel the need to do it again as I'm writing this email. How am I supposed to get any work done???
It sounds like you’re afraid of your sexuality. However, sexual energy is powerful and demands expression. If guilt accompanies it, it becomes more compelling and attractive. You’re giving it even more power by obsessing about it. Many times, things that feel out of control are really just a symbol of our internal shame.
Some questions to ask yourself are whether you're using sex to avoid something or whether you're using it to distract you from something that causes anxiety. It may be that you've become dependent on sexual arousal as a distraction. Only you know the answers to this question; however, since you're in graduate school, that may be a clue. Perhaps you're feeling lots of pressure at this point in your life? Realize that under extreme pressure, some people turn to food, others to sports, some to sex, and so on.
Here's some general information for you:
Almost everyone feels insecure about masturbation—or self-pleasuring. We all want to know that what WE do is OK. From your note, it looks like you feel that it’s somehow harmful or wrong, yet there are no data to indicate that self-pleasuring is in any way harmful.
I’m here to tell you that whatever works for you is what works for you, and please stop worrying and enjoy your life. The fact that you’re trying to stop self-pleasuring and are finding it difficult should tell you that it’s part of who you are. Accept it as a wonderful gift that keeps on giving.
Here are some facts about self-pleasuring:
It’s the surest way to orgasm and the most effective way to learn about our sexual response cycle, as well as the surest way for women to learn to orgasm.
Another advantage is self-knowledge: How can you show a partner what you like if you don’t know yourself?
And the #1 reason for self-pleasuring: it’s fun!
Self-pleasuring is a part of who you are sexually—for your whole life, not just when you don’t have a partner. People self-pleasure from birth to death, when they’re alone and when they’re partnered. It’s just one of many options we have as sexual beings. It’s not better or worse than partner sex, just different—like steak is different than chicken.
Remember that all our scientific data show that the people who take responsibility for their OWN pleasure have the best sex lives and rate themselves as happiest about their sexuality.
Many of us have deep shame about our sexuality--either our overt behavior, or the more primitive urges and images left over from childhood that we've never accepted. I think this profound sense of shame is what you’d like to get rid of. I encourage you to read more about female sexuality and self-pleasuring. There are two books I recommend because they not only have important information, but they also contain lots of sharing by actual women about their own struggles to accept their sexual selves.
“For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality” by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.
“The Hite Report” by Shere Hite
As I said, the more you worry and obsess, the more out of control you’ll feel. If you accept self-pleasuring as a part of your life, my guess is you’ll become more comfortable and eventually be able to integrate ALL of your sexual behavior into your life in a way that feels positive for you. If this doesn’t happen for you, and you continue to feel bad, you might find it helpful to see a counselor who is trained to help with sexual concerns. Best of luck. Dr. J
i was once watching a episode of the Tyra banks show and there was a guest with a similiar problem, it turns out she was diagnosed with an actual medical condition. I am at a loss for the name of it right now, but i suggest you go to the doctor as the guest did. It was interfering with all aspects of her life and got worse as time went on. Hopefully you get a resolution, best of luck.
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