I need help asap I dont want to lose my husband

[kimber529]

I am 39 my husband will be 41 this year. We have been together for 20 years married for 8 years we have a son together who just turn 19. My husband went throught a major drug problem and I stood by him the whole time and helped him through it and even hid the episoides from our son which there was a lot of them. Well during all of that I struggled with my health, depression and 3 surgeries and he has not stood by me. Also during that time he lost his grandmother who he was close to and he lost his mother who he was close to to cancer. He has been drug free for 4 years and it has been 3 years since he has lost his mother. He is the type of person who will not discuss anything he never crys not even at his mothers funeral. Well this year he has told me that he wants a divorce though I love him and he does show signs that he loves me he does I think he has some depression issues and when I try to talk to him about it he gets mad. He tells me that he is happy all day at work till he gets home and I am there. I dont want to lose him can someone tell me what to do??? He asked for a divorce at the end of July and we decided to work it out and things was great our sex was great, we were gettting along doing things together he even thanked me for showing him he could be happy again and staying to work it out he felt like we had a furture again.  then I had a flare up of my illiness and was in a lot of pain and he became cold and distant to me again. Then When I had to have surgery and they thought it was cancer then he went back to being his distant self, no longer having sex with me I have even caught him masterbating over having sex with me he no longer will even cuddle up with me at night.I also think that he wants to distant him self from me because he dont want to get close to me again and me have cancer and I die like his mother. Can someone give me some insight please I cant lose the person I love

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

  You may be right. It may be his fear speaking-- but nonetheless, he obviously is scared by emotion , your needs, and loss. It is a good sign that he was willing to work on the relationship and the two of you gained ground and had a positive period. But your relationship will never be stable if he can't learn to reach out to you and love you even if you are stressed and sick.  

    This sounds deep rooted - so I wonder if you could get him to some couples counseling. He needs to talk about what makes him withdraw and what he- and you- can do to make this a less acceptable response to change, sickness or sadness. You seem to have been a good model for him- ask him small acts of kindness ( doing the dishes etc) and see if he can do them. Lavish praise on him- and try to show him the plucky side of you when you are having problems. You don't have to deny them- just try and take part of the time to take the emotional pressure in the room down a notch.

  I do think you two could benefit from a professional therapist- if money is an issue, and it usually is, try and find a liscensed social worker- they are usually a bit cheaper ( but not any less talented) than psychologists and other professionals with a PhD. Your local church or hospital may have someone to recommend and it may even be included in your health plan. You can say it is about how to manage your health in the relationship and communication over those issues- and he might agree to do it on that or some less overwhelming idea than "the relationship". Good luck!

[rebbecca]

he needs to grow up and support you though all of this. it seems like he is a very me me me person. and it has been going on for a long time. I would lay everything out on the table and tell him how you feel about what he is doing to you and a therpist probably wouldnt hurt.
has he always been like this, meaning the whole 20 years together? or a new thing?