Is my new girlfriend weird?

[VancouverGuy08]

I recently met a woman who seemed wonderful: attractive, intelligent, educated, likes music and culture, gentle and patient.   She is 32, I am 42.  After two months of dating, I am seeing some signs that strike me as strange behavior: she is a "clean freak".   She spends a lot of time cleaning her apartment, washes her hands frequently -- and often asks me if my hands are clean.  (During one particularly erotic moment, she stopped to ask me if I had washed my hands!  On another moment, she wanted to smell my hands to ensure I had used soap!)   The first time I fell asleep in her apartment after a nice date out, she didn't cuddle with me, or sack out herself, she stayed up all night cleaning her apartment.  When we go out for dinner, she can linger in the ladies room for more than 10-15 minutes at a time.  She's also on three occasions asked me about any diseases I might have had (none) and various issues about my childhood relations with my family.  She also is keen on "healthy" living to an excessive degree: she doesn't drink, smoke, and -- apart from chocolate and other sweets --watches what she eats to an extreme degree.  (I feel almost embarrassed ordering a nice bottle of red wine with a fat plate of pasta.)   After we have (safe) sex, she puts on her pajamas before we can cuddle to fall asleep in the warm bed.  She does not seem particularly high-strung, but this pattern of anxiety strikes me as really weird -- and it could get in the way of our relationship.  She is quietly very affectionate but seems quite restrained in the sexual desire department.  What does it mean?  What should I do?  Help, please!

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

  The chances that she is OCD are high. A lot of the responses mention obsessive compulsive disorder and it seems very likely since she exhibits most of the symptoms. There is one thing that the other writers have not mentioned that I think is critically important-- she probably knows she has big issues about germs, and that cleaning a house all night long is not normal behavior.  The question I would ask is why hasn't she opened up and discussed this with you?  If you have an intimate relationship, why hasn't she been trusting and open enough to tell you about her challenges and see how you feel about her issues. In a really important relationship, people need to be honest, vulnerable and yes, tell the other person things they need to know- even if they might endanger the relationship. It's only right--and if you love someone you want to protect them- even if telling the truth is hard.

    If this woman doesn't have enough courage or heart to let you in on her issues, I don't think she is ready to have a relationship. It also sounds like she is secretive about a number of parts of her life - so you may not know the full extent of what she faces every day. I think if a person is honest and open about her problems, they can be worked with in a relationship. But without that caring, honest and sharing part of a personality, things can go from bad to worse.  If she doesn't let you in, I would suggest thinking about a way out.

[Amoroza]

Well, sorry to disappoint you but if she is like this now that you havent been together for long, can you imagine later? I think you should give her a wake up call and get out. Many women out there full of love to give. No need to get stressed like this.

[VancouverGuy08]

Thanks very much for your comments, which are interesting, particularly as you say as coming from a woman.   There is really something to what you say about her lack of self-confidence -- I hadn't considered it that way before.  She kind of pretends to be very self-assured and know-it-all, but deep down she isn't.   It would be much easier for everyone if she just relaxed and admitted the usual weaknesses we all have.

We might, however, be coming to the end of the relationshop.  This is the latest incident which really deflated me.  It's not a big deal, but very indicative.  

Last week she gave me some chocolates to give to my brother's young kids (who live in another town).  I thought this was a very nice gesture, as did he.  When I was seeing my brother a few days later and gave him the chocolates, we thought we would call her to quickly thank her.  I called her at work, with my brother on the speaker phone.  I introduced him immediately.  It was just a quick "we're here, thanks for the chocolates, hope to meet you soon" from my brother.  I would think that a woman in this situation would be happy to receive such a call.  Not.  She was polite on the call but later gave me heck for not giving her prior notice that he would also be on the line.  Now is this high-strung, control freak, or what?

[kat1256]

Coming from a woman, it does sound as though she possibly suffers from some form of obsessive-compulsive-disorder. They can take many different shapes and forms, and some stem from a severe lack of self confidence. I mention this only because of her apparent selfishness. Surprisingly, women who seem to be self absorbed are really quite insecure about themselves, and her obsession with the cleanliness of her home says to me that perhaps she feels that her home represents her, and therefore must be perfect. She could also have a real fear of germs.

Aside from the OCD talk, another real possibility that is less easily recognized or fixed is the simple fact that she might be a control freak. Her obsession with tidiness- to HER standards, her obsession with your physical presentation, the self absorption, the Saturday plans that went to the wayside because her own plans took priority above yours. It seems as though regardless of whether she suffers from OCD or not, she does have issues. But, then again, don't we all? If you feel that your personality is far too laid back to tolerate someone so uptight, or if you simply don't have the energy to constantly dissect her behavior and idiosyncrasies, then you shouldn't have to. I have no intentions on telling you whether or not you should stay with her, and yes, it's fun to be dating a mysterious woman or mysterious man, but only when you know that you are working towards breaking their code. It stops being fun when you realize the mysteries are never-ending and that perhaps you're being taken advantage of or being taken for a joy ride. In other words, you deserve a right to know why, for example, she doesn't see the doctor about this hormonal problem that interrupts your time together. Or, why, for example, she so fiercely cleans her home well into the night. If she can't provide straight answers, then please do stand up for yourself. See to it you aren't putting in more time or energy than the relationship is worth.

Best of luck, and I hope some of this was helpful.

[bighuman]

I think you may have a girl who is self centered but you really should bring up that you want her to be a little more emotionally involved in your relationship.  Are you two intimate sexually?  How is she in the  bed room?  I will pay for everything and her car if i get regular Oral Sex, lol kidding... kind of, no really how she acts in bed I find to be the best litmus test for who I am with.   If she is Dynamite, and blows you away, your first time in bed, take a step back and think how many othey gentlemen may have gotten into those jeans. She may have emotional problems, if your over 30 disregard that.  Some women aren't as giving of material things because they really get their "freak" on in bed, and feel like they are giving you every ounce of themselves in the bedroom.  If your not having sex yet, where do you stand in the relationship?  How long have you been dating?  Is it possible she is overlapping relationships and keeping it from you?  I don't think you should snoop into her life or anything.  I know when I am unhappy I keep things in perspective, how much do I like this girl, could I be ok with out her, what is it that keeps me in this relationship?  Those questions are the best ones I find to answer regularly if your not totally happy.

[VancouverGuy08]

I also wondered if I might be dealing with some kind of real obsessive-compulsive problem.  I am still hoping that it is not a bad case of O-D, but just a mild personality quirk -- as I otherwise really like this woman.   I have been watching for the type of "crazy" mood swings you allude to, but haven't seen any yet.  She seems generally quite stable, even calm and mellow.  The only issues I have observed in the mood/disposition department seem to be:

1) She seems a little self-centered.  For example, we will agree to spend a certain Saturday afternoon together.  She won't show up until about 4:00, and doesn't tell me she's running late or wants only to meet for the last two hours.  She just had to wash her hair, talk to her father, and do some shopping.  (I don't care, I just wish she would tell me so I can do my own thing instead of waiting for her.)  Further, there is an emerging imbalance in the generosity department: I happily take her out for lots of nice dinners in restaurants, which she clearly enjoys -- while she gives me tea, wheat bread and cole slaw in her kitchen.   I gave her a nice sweater and some earrings for Christmas, I got a pair of socks, chocolate and some soap (yes!).   (I don't care about the money, it's the care and consideration.)  I take lots of photos of her; she has yet to take one of me unless I ask.  On the other hand, I should emphasize that she does seem very kind on a moment-to-moment basis -- always asking for my views, for my preferences, being generally flexible with what we do and how, and always ready to offer me a hug and a cup of green tea.

2) She often claims that she isn't feeling so well because of some hormonal imbalance she has (and that her breasts hurt) but she won't seem to get any medical help for this.   I haven't noticed that she is taking any medication or herbal supplements of any kind, except for the usual common vitamins.

As I mentioned, I really hope these are just garden-variety personality quirks rather than the "tip of the iceberg" for bigger mental/emotional problems that you refer to.  But the sooner I know for sure, the better.

[VancouverGuy08]

Thanks for the comment, which makes sense.   If I worked in a "dirty" job I would completely understand her concern about my hands.  But I work in a nice office and I am a very clean person: I bathe at least once a day, brush my teeth at least three times, and always wash my hands before meals or after using the washroom.  When I show up for a "big date", I have usually just had a long shower, hair wash, shave, etc. -- so that I feel good and present the best image.   No other woman in my 25 years of dating has ever mentioned anything about my cleanliness (unless I have just come in from working in the garden or otherwise outside in 95 degree heat, been exercising, or need a shave, of course).  This conduct is new to me; hence my question posted.

[bighuman]

Ok I had a girlfriend who had OCD and this sounds just like it.  She was almost every thing that you discribed to a T except for her cleaning her own room.  I would have to wash my penis and hands everytime that we got intimate.  When I was in college and she got into my car many times I would have to convince her that her backpack strap didn't touch the gutter.  So she wouldn't get an infection from the germs.  She is just OCD and it is going to take a TON on patience.  The good news for you is that as we all know CRAZY girls are the best at oral sex.  So you do have THAT to look forward to.  If this stuff seems like a lot for you to handle right now, just imagine when the gloves come off.  I assure you that your only seeing the tip of the iceberg.  The other plus is that your house will always be clean.  I would have asked you if your were a hyper critical guy if it wasn't for my past experiece.  Look at her medicine cabinet when you can... Not to snoop but just see if she has any prozac, also look and see if she is in to Homeopathic medicine.  Most OCD people are the biggest Natural Medicine patrons because of thier fear of chemicals.  I spent one of the most satisfying years of my life with this OCD girl, and to this day she is the only one to EVER cheat on me.  Look for her to go all the way if she starts to feel that you two are not right for each other.  OCD women can sometimes take the most extreme approach to ending relationships so that there isn't any TURNING BACK.   This is also a much younger girl that my reference is coming from, but I find alot of mental problems don;t get much better with age.  It has been ten years since that relationship but alot of the stuff that I learned from her is still very USEFUL.

[SkipNBeat]

Alot of women worry about getting vaginal infectons from guys dirty hand.  My wife asks me all the time "did you wash your hands" at very inoportune moments.  The other stuff, i don't know.