Aa
No Sex?
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while and about halfway into our relationship when I was finally comfortable we started getting sexual with each other. We had sex about 5 times, and each time he seemed less and less into it. Now, it's been 6 months since we've done anything. I've tried to start stuff but at first he said no because he wanted to become closer with God, which I understood. Now, it's just because absolutely NOTHING turns him on. I've tried outfits, sexual inuendos, touching him, having him touch me, but nothing. He's been really stressed lately, lots of headaches. But nothing bad enough to keep him for having ANYTHING turn him on. Personally I think he has a chemical imbalance but he doesn't want to see a doctor about it or anything. But I'm seriously suffering from it. He doesnt touch my body, say i'm sexy or anything. Nothing interests him. Do you guys have any ideas?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi Nicole.
First, I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend has pulled away from you. Second, no one can tell you what’s going on. I wish I had a dollar for each time someone writes: “WHY does my partner do this?” The simple fact is, how would anyone know without asking him? Until I become all-knowing/all-seeing, I’m afraid I can’t. The fact is there’s only one person who can tell you, and that’s him.
All I can do is speculate about possibilities. First, the physical aspects: depression, prescription drugs and large amounts of marijuana may contribute to a lessening of both energy and desire.
Second: past traumas can also hold people back from expressing their sexuality.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. There may be other issues in his life that are contributing. Is he content with himself, with his life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises?
Is he anxious? Be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If he feels anxious or unsure of himself, his desire will be affected. Or he may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in his life. Or he may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons he may have for avoiding sex? One clue is that he’s using “being closer to God” as a reason for avoiding sex. For some people, sex brings them closer to their idea of a deity. It sounds like for him, it’s just the opposite. This could indicate he has some conflicts, either about sex in general or about sex within the context of your relationship. Perhaps his religious beliefs are interfering with your relationship. He may have been brought up to believe that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.
There could be other reasons he’s not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game.
So, to recap: he may have some unresolved attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated.
As I said in my opening paragraph, there’s only one way to find out, and that’s to open up communication with him. Don’t attack him or accuse him of anything. Be gentle and understanding so he’ll feel comfortable opening up. A good approach is to tell him that you realize that you’re in this together and whatever affects him also affects you, so you want to discuss what’s going on so that together, the two of you can find a solution. If this is unsuccessful, it’s time to get help so you can both talk about what your issues are. A counselor can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Definitely get this issue resolved before you consider spending any more time on this relationship. Good luck to you. Dr. J
First, I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend has pulled away from you. Second, no one can tell you what’s going on. I wish I had a dollar for each time someone writes: “WHY does my partner do this?” The simple fact is, how would anyone know without asking him? Until I become all-knowing/all-seeing, I’m afraid I can’t. The fact is there’s only one person who can tell you, and that’s him.
All I can do is speculate about possibilities. First, the physical aspects: depression, prescription drugs and large amounts of marijuana may contribute to a lessening of both energy and desire.
Second: past traumas can also hold people back from expressing their sexuality.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. There may be other issues in his life that are contributing. Is he content with himself, with his life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises?
Is he anxious? Be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If he feels anxious or unsure of himself, his desire will be affected. Or he may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in his life. Or he may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons he may have for avoiding sex? One clue is that he’s using “being closer to God” as a reason for avoiding sex. For some people, sex brings them closer to their idea of a deity. It sounds like for him, it’s just the opposite. This could indicate he has some conflicts, either about sex in general or about sex within the context of your relationship. Perhaps his religious beliefs are interfering with your relationship. He may have been brought up to believe that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.
There could be other reasons he’s not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game.
So, to recap: he may have some unresolved attitudes about sex in general, or he may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated.
As I said in my opening paragraph, there’s only one way to find out, and that’s to open up communication with him. Don’t attack him or accuse him of anything. Be gentle and understanding so he’ll feel comfortable opening up. A good approach is to tell him that you realize that you’re in this together and whatever affects him also affects you, so you want to discuss what’s going on so that together, the two of you can find a solution. If this is unsuccessful, it’s time to get help so you can both talk about what your issues are. A counselor can then guide you through the process of discussing these issues with each other in a safe environment. Definitely get this issue resolved before you consider spending any more time on this relationship. Good luck to you. Dr. J
As an added note to my question above, my boyfriend doesn't even masturbate anymore. He hasn't for about 2 months now. Maybe even longer.
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