Aa
Sex into your 50s
My wife and I have been married for 20+ years and have 4 kids. A couple years ago my wife seems to have lost all interest in having sex ... She said we're too old. So what do I do, masterbate till I die? After our last child was born she had to have her thyroid removed and has been on replacement therapy ever since - might this be a problem? She doesn't think so but who's to know.
I also see adds for libido enhancing drugs for women - any clue about these?
It's affecting me more so and I seem to be talking to a wall. Any advice would be help (but please don't tell me to take a cold shower and / or go get some exercise).
Sam
I also see adds for libido enhancing drugs for women - any clue about these?
It's affecting me more so and I seem to be talking to a wall. Any advice would be help (but please don't tell me to take a cold shower and / or go get some exercise).
Sam
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi Sammy:
First, women's sexual desire is quite complex, and there's no magic pill that restores it.
You're asking me to help with your wife's lack of desire, and I can't change anything for her. If this is an important issue for her, I'm wondering why SHE isn't writing to me. Perhaps she's just as frightened, frustrated and upset as you, but doesn't know where to turn.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. You can't change/fix her unless she's unhappy with the situation too. Your first step is to ask her how she feels. Has it occurred to you that she may have some issues with your relationship as well? Perhaps she's bored, but doesn't know how to express herself or is holding back for fear of hurting your feelings (fairly common among women).
Ask yourself what changed since you first met. If she were writing to me, I’d ask her the following: Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with your partner. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
On the other hand, if she DOESN’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for her, then she may be repressing sexual feelings, or she’s just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
It’s also possible that, for some reason, she’s no longer turned on to you. And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. Is she content with herself, with her life, with your relationship? For many women, trust issues can inhibit desire. If there is lack of trust in your relationship, this may be a contributory factor. Are there any family or work crises? And how’s her physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire. She may be experiencing some hormone fluctuations, or she may feel unattractive because she’s aging in a society which says only young women are attractive.
Is she anxious? If she’s feeling anxious or unsure of herself, her desire for sex will be affected. Or she may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or she may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons she may have for avoiding sex with you?
Other reasons she might not be turned on: If she’s worried about pleasing you, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of YOUR attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting her desire. Is sex mostly about YOUR pleasure rather than hers? Or does she feel that sex is about satisfying you rather than herself?
You asked, so I’m telling you. Realize that I’m not accusing you of anything, merely bringing up all the possibilities.
So, to recap: she may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. Remember not to put pressure on her. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize.
Having said that, let me also say that it's fruitless to speculate because there are a zillion reasons why peoples' sexual desire diminishes--way too many to list here.
You've told her how you feel, and now it's time to hear from her. Sit back, relax and don't be defensive. LISTEN. If you truly love her, you’ll be willing to spend some time listening to her.
Hopefully, the two of you will decide to see a therapist trained to help people talk about their sexual issues. That would be a constructive next step. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
First, women's sexual desire is quite complex, and there's no magic pill that restores it.
You're asking me to help with your wife's lack of desire, and I can't change anything for her. If this is an important issue for her, I'm wondering why SHE isn't writing to me. Perhaps she's just as frightened, frustrated and upset as you, but doesn't know where to turn.
Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times. You can't change/fix her unless she's unhappy with the situation too. Your first step is to ask her how she feels. Has it occurred to you that she may have some issues with your relationship as well? Perhaps she's bored, but doesn't know how to express herself or is holding back for fear of hurting your feelings (fairly common among women).
Ask yourself what changed since you first met. If she were writing to me, I’d ask her the following: Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with your partner. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic, not sex in and of itself.
On the other hand, if she DOESN’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for her, then she may be repressing sexual feelings, or she’s just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
It’s also possible that, for some reason, she’s no longer turned on to you. And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. Is she content with herself, with her life, with your relationship? For many women, trust issues can inhibit desire. If there is lack of trust in your relationship, this may be a contributory factor. Are there any family or work crises? And how’s her physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire. She may be experiencing some hormone fluctuations, or she may feel unattractive because she’s aging in a society which says only young women are attractive.
Is she anxious? If she’s feeling anxious or unsure of herself, her desire for sex will be affected. Or she may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or she may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons she may have for avoiding sex with you?
Other reasons she might not be turned on: If she’s worried about pleasing you, rather than just enjoying pleasure, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of YOUR attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting her desire. Is sex mostly about YOUR pleasure rather than hers? Or does she feel that sex is about satisfying you rather than herself?
You asked, so I’m telling you. Realize that I’m not accusing you of anything, merely bringing up all the possibilities.
So, to recap: she may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any resonate. Remember not to put pressure on her. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize.
Having said that, let me also say that it's fruitless to speculate because there are a zillion reasons why peoples' sexual desire diminishes--way too many to list here.
You've told her how you feel, and now it's time to hear from her. Sit back, relax and don't be defensive. LISTEN. If you truly love her, you’ll be willing to spend some time listening to her.
Hopefully, the two of you will decide to see a therapist trained to help people talk about their sexual issues. That would be a constructive next step. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Everyone is different. If she is happy with how she is then..........?
Some women have had enough and some keep going, hormones contribute, i think it is fairly common
Some women have had enough and some keep going, hormones contribute, i think it is fairly common
True enough, but if she has not been happy with sex this whole time chances are that she is probably conservative enough to not want to go to a therapist regarding this.
Is dislike of sex an excuse? Possibly however the simple fact is that if she doesn't, didn't or did but no longer wishes to express herself sexually the fact remains the same.
If someone has no desire to fix something then they are, most likely not going to fix that thing.
However now that has been established, how can we help this gentleman assuming she still sees no problem? Given what has been said she finds his concerns unimportant and irrelevant which would eliminate 80% of the options that I might think of.
Is dislike of sex an excuse? Possibly however the simple fact is that if she doesn't, didn't or did but no longer wishes to express herself sexually the fact remains the same.
If someone has no desire to fix something then they are, most likely not going to fix that thing.
However now that has been established, how can we help this gentleman assuming she still sees no problem? Given what has been said she finds his concerns unimportant and irrelevant which would eliminate 80% of the options that I might think of.
To use the excuse that a person doesn't like sex is also an excuse. There is other problems and should be looked into. Seuality is human nature and we as humans were designed for it but it must be looked as very special and a way of showing our love from deep inside us as well as pleasure.
I know several hypothyroidal women and thyroid treatment doesn't affect libido from what I have seen. Any chance that she just doesn't like sex and using age as an excuse?
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