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Very conflicted about Porn and my Relationship
I am desperate and very conflicted. I am scheduled to marry my fiance on September 4th of this year. We both have children from previous marriages that ended badly. We are both in 12 Step Recovery for multiple years. My sponsor is not sure which direction to send me and I am not comfortable slandering my man to others in my group. We have been together for over 2 years and have a very healthy sex life. In the beggining of our relationship we discussed pornography and he expressed that he doesn't want that to be a part of his life and it is not acceptable behavior. I expressed to him that it is a deal breaker for me as I beleive that it is cheating becuase of the intamacy implicated with people outside of our relationship. Since that time I have found him engaging in pornography several times. I have expressed to him how it makes me feel and that it is a boundry for me. I love him and respect him very much, but I am not certain that I can trust him considering he has lied to me about the porn and other small things. I want so badly for this to just go away and to stop feeling this miserable pain. He says that it is wrong, and he will not do it again and blah blah blah but I am not so certain. Should I marry this man?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hello.
Please don't fall into the trap of asking others to tell you what to do with your life. You need some help deciding what's best for you. The most effective way is to see a counselor to help you sort through things. Here's some information that may be helpful to you.
You may have some unrealistic expectations about relationships. Between women’s romantic ideals and men’s sexual scripts, there are bound to be conflicts. Most men don't seek erotica online because anything is wrong in the relationship, but because men are usually much more visually stimulated than women, and erotica turns them on in ways that are different (but not “better than”) partner sex. Some women think that if a man likes erotica, it means he’s not turned on to them. However, sex research has shown that this is not necessarily the case.
Many women think that once they’re in a relationship the partner will only want to have sex with them, eschewing self-pleasuring. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, people self-pleasure from birth to death, whether partnered or not. It’s just a part of the sexual personality. Most of us like variety. When your partner is self-pleasuring, he’s not necessarily doing it because of anything you lack, but because it’s a different experience for him than sex with you. Not better; just different, like pizza and steak. If this is a problem for you, you need to discuss it with him. If you’re never going to be comfortable with a partner who self-pleasures, then you’re going to spend a lot of your life “hurt and confused” because it’s highly unlikely you’ll find a partner who is willing to ignore that important part of his sexuality.
Some couples feel that if they don’t do everything together, there’s something amiss; however, most of us need variety and need alone time in order to develop our own perspectives, etc. Here’s an example:
I have a friend who calls herself a “golf widow.” She’s been married for over 10 years, in a very happy and loving relationship. In fact, she and her husband adore each other. AND whenever he has enough free time, he’s at the golf course, playing golf and hanging out with his friends. Why? Not because he doesn’t love her and want to be with her, but because golf fulfills something for him, and he needs to be his own person from time to time—away and apart from her. There’s nothing wrong with the marriage; he just needs alone time, as does she.
This is quite different than the man who spends all of his time at the golf course in order to AVOID going home because he’s unhappy in his marriage.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is just expressing his need to be separate and apart from you. If you try to regulate this by setting yourself up as his supervisor, that’s the fastest way I can think of to destroy your sexual relationship. After all, who wants to have sex with their mother?
Which brings me to my last point. You need to get some perspective and insight about your own feelings of self-worth. Clearly, his activities are triggering some insecurity in you. And the two of you need to talk with each other about what each of your expectations is of the relationship. The worst mistake some women make is to set themselves up as “behavior sheriffs” because their partners then inevitably begin to feel guilty if they screw up, and guilt is the enemy of sexual attraction. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Please don't fall into the trap of asking others to tell you what to do with your life. You need some help deciding what's best for you. The most effective way is to see a counselor to help you sort through things. Here's some information that may be helpful to you.
You may have some unrealistic expectations about relationships. Between women’s romantic ideals and men’s sexual scripts, there are bound to be conflicts. Most men don't seek erotica online because anything is wrong in the relationship, but because men are usually much more visually stimulated than women, and erotica turns them on in ways that are different (but not “better than”) partner sex. Some women think that if a man likes erotica, it means he’s not turned on to them. However, sex research has shown that this is not necessarily the case.
Many women think that once they’re in a relationship the partner will only want to have sex with them, eschewing self-pleasuring. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, people self-pleasure from birth to death, whether partnered or not. It’s just a part of the sexual personality. Most of us like variety. When your partner is self-pleasuring, he’s not necessarily doing it because of anything you lack, but because it’s a different experience for him than sex with you. Not better; just different, like pizza and steak. If this is a problem for you, you need to discuss it with him. If you’re never going to be comfortable with a partner who self-pleasures, then you’re going to spend a lot of your life “hurt and confused” because it’s highly unlikely you’ll find a partner who is willing to ignore that important part of his sexuality.
Some couples feel that if they don’t do everything together, there’s something amiss; however, most of us need variety and need alone time in order to develop our own perspectives, etc. Here’s an example:
I have a friend who calls herself a “golf widow.” She’s been married for over 10 years, in a very happy and loving relationship. In fact, she and her husband adore each other. AND whenever he has enough free time, he’s at the golf course, playing golf and hanging out with his friends. Why? Not because he doesn’t love her and want to be with her, but because golf fulfills something for him, and he needs to be his own person from time to time—away and apart from her. There’s nothing wrong with the marriage; he just needs alone time, as does she.
This is quite different than the man who spends all of his time at the golf course in order to AVOID going home because he’s unhappy in his marriage.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend is just expressing his need to be separate and apart from you. If you try to regulate this by setting yourself up as his supervisor, that’s the fastest way I can think of to destroy your sexual relationship. After all, who wants to have sex with their mother?
Which brings me to my last point. You need to get some perspective and insight about your own feelings of self-worth. Clearly, his activities are triggering some insecurity in you. And the two of you need to talk with each other about what each of your expectations is of the relationship. The worst mistake some women make is to set themselves up as “behavior sheriffs” because their partners then inevitably begin to feel guilty if they screw up, and guilt is the enemy of sexual attraction. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Honestly, I have the same problem with the guy I've been with for 2 1/2 years now. Only I've also caught him looking at his friends pictures in swimsuits and such on facebook. It only makes me feel worse about being with him. He hates that I can't trust him at all, and I hate that I have to feel this way so much. It's not fun for either person. The main reason I'm with him right now is because we're having a baby, which means we're doing couples counciling right now. If it weren't for those things, I would not be in this relationship anymore. I don't know if you would want to completely give up a marriage over it, but if I didn't think it would get any better and I felt as strongly as you do (and I do feel that way) then I wouldn't marry him. There are men out there that really just DON'T watch porn. There are even men out there who turn there eyes away when there is nudity in movies. If you aren't completely happy, and feeling safe and secure with him, then I would not marry him.
I have been married 14 wonderful years. And I have become very familiar with the definition of cheating: when you engage in emotional and/or physical intimacy with another person, be that online or in the world. That said, it is impossible for men or women to 'cheat' by looking at pictures or videos where no conversation is possible. Men are visual creatures. They do not perceive looking at pictures as having anything to do with love. My husband will look at any pretty girl he sees. But he will not attempt to talk to them. I also know he enjoys porn. He can't talk to those girls either. Just looking is okay. He shows his love and respect for me by only having intimacy with me. You should consider this.
As far as the lying, that is an issue. No serious couple should have any reason to lie to each other. Hope this helps you!
As far as the lying, that is an issue. No serious couple should have any reason to lie to each other. Hope this helps you!
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