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Wife changing or am I just now getting to know her?
We've been married for 16 years now and only the first year had much in the way of mutually enjoyable sex.
It tapered off to nothing but me asking for it and her accommodating me; she never, I mean never asks for it or shows any interest in me or my body at all. I am in great shape, work out regularly, stay clean, etc.
I have tried everything: "dating" her again, starting with prolonged foreplay, being very romantic, etc. She just rolls her eyes and acts bored and says, "can't we just get it over with?"
I try to get her to talk about the subject of our satisfaction together, and she just says, "I'm 51 years old."
She is physically very attractive (to me she sure is anyway). I have no desire for any other woman, even though the opportunities sure are there from time to time; I have not strayed. She is healthy; no gynecological problems, no pain in that area at all she's told me.
This has been 15 years of hell for me, to live with a woman who will not even let me touch her, as in fondling and kissing for the fun of it now and then.
I would appreciate very much input from others who may be going through this, especially men who see this behavior in their long-term relationships.
It tapered off to nothing but me asking for it and her accommodating me; she never, I mean never asks for it or shows any interest in me or my body at all. I am in great shape, work out regularly, stay clean, etc.
I have tried everything: "dating" her again, starting with prolonged foreplay, being very romantic, etc. She just rolls her eyes and acts bored and says, "can't we just get it over with?"
I try to get her to talk about the subject of our satisfaction together, and she just says, "I'm 51 years old."
She is physically very attractive (to me she sure is anyway). I have no desire for any other woman, even though the opportunities sure are there from time to time; I have not strayed. She is healthy; no gynecological problems, no pain in that area at all she's told me.
This has been 15 years of hell for me, to live with a woman who will not even let me touch her, as in fondling and kissing for the fun of it now and then.
I would appreciate very much input from others who may be going through this, especially men who see this behavior in their long-term relationships.
Your daughter is 15. At 18, she will probably go away to college. You have 3 years to evaluate your alternatives. Maybe in 3 years, you need to leave the maariage to find someone that meets your emotional needs. I am sure that you will find many females out there that are looking for someone like you. Good luck and do not settle for something that does not make you happy.
I salute you man. You really love your wife so much but I'm sorry to tell you this, your wife is so self centered. You deserve someone better than her.
Hi. Thank you for taking the trouble to read my posts here and to write your opinions about the issue.
What you posted there is exactly my thinking lately.. well, I admit that I have thought with mixed feelings about my kid graduating and leaving home for a long time now. Lately though it is becoming more of a reality to me.. time flies! :O)
The feelings are "mixed" because we are very close, my daughter and me. I will miss her so. But the positive is as you say: I will be free to move on.
What you posted there is exactly my thinking lately.. well, I admit that I have thought with mixed feelings about my kid graduating and leaving home for a long time now. Lately though it is becoming more of a reality to me.. time flies! :O)
The feelings are "mixed" because we are very close, my daughter and me. I will miss her so. But the positive is as you say: I will be free to move on.
You bring up an important point: "change."
I may have been on the wrong path all along, attempting to change a person. I sure wouldn't want anybody trying to change me.
The irony is that I believed in the person she portrayed herself to be early on; she was an academy award winning actor, as I think back on those early years and months. Gradually over a relatively short period of time, about two years I guess, she pretty much sloughed off the act and just became herself.
That's fine for her, but it is nearly criminal in its effects on me; I married one person and ended up with another just as if she left and had her cold, distant twin sister move in with me.
I finally brought this up with her just yesterday; that it was not something I wanted her to become anymore, but something that she was pretending to be to get me to marry her and to be a father to her two boys, then 9 and 10 years old (we also decided to have our own baby, a girl who is now 15).
Her response to my coming to this understanding and confronting her with it was silence and immediate distraction; she went shopping.
I may have been on the wrong path all along, attempting to change a person. I sure wouldn't want anybody trying to change me.
The irony is that I believed in the person she portrayed herself to be early on; she was an academy award winning actor, as I think back on those early years and months. Gradually over a relatively short period of time, about two years I guess, she pretty much sloughed off the act and just became herself.
That's fine for her, but it is nearly criminal in its effects on me; I married one person and ended up with another just as if she left and had her cold, distant twin sister move in with me.
I finally brought this up with her just yesterday; that it was not something I wanted her to become anymore, but something that she was pretending to be to get me to marry her and to be a father to her two boys, then 9 and 10 years old (we also decided to have our own baby, a girl who is now 15).
Her response to my coming to this understanding and confronting her with it was silence and immediate distraction; she went shopping.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi there.
Well, you've learned an important lesson, and that is that you can't change someone. Your wife won't change unless she''s motivated, and it sounds like she's not. She may GET motivated some day--who knows? But no one can predict that. It might be helpful for you to explore your options and how you feel about them. Being in a sexless marriage can play havoc with both your self-esteem and your need for intimacy. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Well, you've learned an important lesson, and that is that you can't change someone. Your wife won't change unless she''s motivated, and it sounds like she's not. She may GET motivated some day--who knows? But no one can predict that. It might be helpful for you to explore your options and how you feel about them. Being in a sexless marriage can play havoc with both your self-esteem and your need for intimacy. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
Thank you for reading my post and composing an informative reply. I appreciate that.
I just wanted to tell you that after 15 years of this I've tried everything. My responses and internal feelings about the whole thing have evolved from self-blame through a range of emotions to finally understanding that my wife is a completely different person than she portrayed herself to be during our courtship and the first several months of our marriage.
If we had not had kids I would have divorced her probably in about the 3rd or 4th year of the struggle.
Sex is not the only "struggle," of course; there are others having to do with living with a person who is like a stranger compared to what she wanted me to believe she was at the beginning.
But in this sex forum I wanted to see how many other people have gone through this and what they did because I have always held out hope that maybe another person who has seen their partner become something different over time has been able to bring about a positive move.
Counceling of a professional nature has been tried many times. It ends the same, "What's so important about sex," my wife says to them all (and to me of course).
I just wanted to tell you that after 15 years of this I've tried everything. My responses and internal feelings about the whole thing have evolved from self-blame through a range of emotions to finally understanding that my wife is a completely different person than she portrayed herself to be during our courtship and the first several months of our marriage.
If we had not had kids I would have divorced her probably in about the 3rd or 4th year of the struggle.
Sex is not the only "struggle," of course; there are others having to do with living with a person who is like a stranger compared to what she wanted me to believe she was at the beginning.
But in this sex forum I wanted to see how many other people have gone through this and what they did because I have always held out hope that maybe another person who has seen their partner become something different over time has been able to bring about a positive move.
Counceling of a professional nature has been tried many times. It ends the same, "What's so important about sex," my wife says to them all (and to me of course).
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
If you look at some of the posts below, you’ll see that a) you’re not alone, and b) many women have the same complaint about their male partners.
I’m so sorry for your pain. You must love your wife very much in order to endure this. I have seen so many couples trapped in sexless relationships, and there are more reasons for it than I can detail here. Without your wife’s input, there’s no way of knowing just WHY she’s not having sex with you. Sometimes people don’t know what their reasons are, they just know they’re in pain, so they retreat; or they avoid talking about it because it’s too scary to confront. Unless you and your wife can talk about this, you’ll never know what’s going on. There are several ways you might be able to draw her out: It might be helpful to bring home a book about some aspect of sexuality and begin to discuss it in a casual way, or you could bring home a sexy DVD to watch together. But make it clear that you don't expect it will lead to sex—merely the enjoyment of her company. These are great ways to open up communication in a non-threatening manner.
When drawing out a person, it’s important to ask a mixture of yes/no questions and open-ended questions and to share some of your own feelings to get the ball rolling. An example would be: “I really enjoyed the scene in the DVD where she was wearing sexy lingerie. What did you think of it?” Avoid “either/or” statements like: “Either you love me, or you don’t”; these are too confrontational. Remember that when someone feels attacked, they’ll defend themselves. And then you don’t have a discussion, you have a war. However, if the two of you are unable to discuss your feelings or find you’re at a dead end, find a counselor who is trained to help couples talk about sexual concerns. Good luck to you. Dr. J
I’m so sorry for your pain. You must love your wife very much in order to endure this. I have seen so many couples trapped in sexless relationships, and there are more reasons for it than I can detail here. Without your wife’s input, there’s no way of knowing just WHY she’s not having sex with you. Sometimes people don’t know what their reasons are, they just know they’re in pain, so they retreat; or they avoid talking about it because it’s too scary to confront. Unless you and your wife can talk about this, you’ll never know what’s going on. There are several ways you might be able to draw her out: It might be helpful to bring home a book about some aspect of sexuality and begin to discuss it in a casual way, or you could bring home a sexy DVD to watch together. But make it clear that you don't expect it will lead to sex—merely the enjoyment of her company. These are great ways to open up communication in a non-threatening manner.
When drawing out a person, it’s important to ask a mixture of yes/no questions and open-ended questions and to share some of your own feelings to get the ball rolling. An example would be: “I really enjoyed the scene in the DVD where she was wearing sexy lingerie. What did you think of it?” Avoid “either/or” statements like: “Either you love me, or you don’t”; these are too confrontational. Remember that when someone feels attacked, they’ll defend themselves. And then you don’t have a discussion, you have a war. However, if the two of you are unable to discuss your feelings or find you’re at a dead end, find a counselor who is trained to help couples talk about sexual concerns. Good luck to you. Dr. J
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Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
