I agree, good to find a therapist who will not tell you what to do. In my opinion a good therapist will help you to explore your feelings, values, motivations, on a deeper level than you have been aware of, and thus help you to make better decisions on your own. I do suspect that you will have to find someone who can help you get in touch with these deeper process though if you want to avoid a repeat, or even worse, of your acting out. And just as important, to examine the real source of the guilt feelings and deal with them before they poison your relationship.
You're on the right track. Something to consider though: You state: "I was just wondering if it could have just been opportunity and desire... there was an opportunity and I wanted it........could it be nothing more than that and all of the introspect is much ado about nothing." Do you usually give yourself whatever you want, consequences be damned? Of course not. If you need money, but you don't rob a bank, do you? So why do you think you gave yourself permission to ignore potential consequences of this action? I don't know the answer, but I think this is something you should examine about yourself. Dr. J
The decision was mutual to have another child but we had several losses and I am still feeling the sting of that. I was afraid that you would say that regarding therapists so thanks for the advice there. I am comfortable this will never repeat itself even though it has been twice already but I see now what my family means to me. I will seek therapy and hope this will help me. I will see how it goes.......likely will wait to see how the guilt management on my own goes and will take it from there. Thanks for the encouraging words. Like I say she will never know and might be best it stays that way ruining her life, my life and the life of my kids admitting a mistake in an otherwise great relationship makes no sense on a logical level......I will have to accept I am human made a mistake and vow to never make another, I will try to explore why I did it. I was just wondering if it could have just been opportunity and desire. I mean I did not set out to hurt myself her or my family there was an opportunity and I wanted it........could it be nothing more than that and all of the introspect is much ado about nothing. Like i say my life oherwise is great, money, love, career all well. Thanks.
Hi.
Only you know why you decided to have oral sex with someone--and it's not just because you were drunk. Obviously, there's something going on with you--either personally, or with your relationship. One thing possibility: You've got another child on the way. Was this a mutual decision, or just an accident? And how do you really feel about this, deep down? Perhaps you're feeling a bit stressed about the added responsibility; this could weigh on you and cause you to act out.
Let's look at your options: You can be your own therapist and examine possible reasons why you did this. You may have some important insights which will help you to find a less-destructive way to deal with your issues.
You can, indeed, talk this over with a therapist. As you say, if you tell your wife, you may destroy your relationship. However, if you see a therapist who is committed to a certain value system, s/he may, indeed, tell you that you MUST divulge to your partner. One way to avoid this is to interview prospective therapists on the phone and ask them if they have iron-clad rules about divulging sex outside a relationship. Find one who isn't so dogmatic.
I don't have any magic formula for you to get over your guilt. Only you can do that. But I CAN tell you that if we don't learn from our mistakes--guess what?--we're doomed to repeat them. But you already knew that... Good luck. Dr. J