i think my b/f is addicted 2 porn, not sure what 2 do...

[no1bubble]

my boyfriend & i have been together 4 over 7 yrs, lived together 4 almost 5 & porn has been an issue 4 a couple of yrs. i know it's normal 2 look OCCASIONALLY & i even enjoy a good vid every now & then when i'm in the mood 4 it. it started out when we got our 1st laptop & had access 2 the internet & things got a little less intimate. i knew he was getting on2 yahoochat 4 hrs & sacrificing sleep 4 the internet, so i looked at his web history & found the slew naked pics which in turn made me feel terrible & like i was no longer good enough. when i approached him, he got mad, tried 2 turn it around on me because i was snooping, & said it wasn't because he was no longer interested, he just liked porn. understandable. but not when it's everyday, hours a day. i thought maybe he really was just getting bored & afraid 2 tell me so i tried 2 enjoy it with him. i took him 2 a sex shop, told him 2 pick out a movie he wanted so we could indulge together, which 4 made him uncomfortable, but we tried it anyway. didn't really help. i continued 2 check things out because i was afraid he would end up cheating & i wanted 2 be prepared 4 it. i've told him countless times about why i look & how i feel about it & tried 2 get him 2 open up, but he shuts down even more & says he loves me & would never cheat on me. it's a little reassuring but the fear is always there since i've been cheated on numerous times. about a year ago, when things were pretty bad relationship-wise, we moved & agreed 2 try & work things out. that's about when things really got worse. when we lost the internet connection, he would just use his phone or take the laptop to a place with internet. at work, at home, while i'm sleeping or just in the other room, when i go 2 class. & it's gotten more hardcore. like i said earlier, it started out as just pics, then vids, then anal, then anal gaping & objects, combine that with lesbians, there's been teens... & i'm gonna have to continue this in a reply...

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hello.

First of all, this brief format is inadequate for me to address all the issues you've raised. And it's difficult for me to read your writing. In the future, if you're asking for help, I'd suggest you write in standard English.

The problem with these “one size fits all” concepts like addition is that they blame the bandaid rather than the underlying sore. Your husband is miserable. You hit the nail on the head when you wrote that he’s using erotica to make himself feel better. It’s probably his only distraction. Some people go shopping, some drink or take drugs, while others lose themselves in Internet games, etc. These activities aren’t the problem, they’re just the symptom. And, no, he’s not “addicted.” He’s merely found something to distract himself.

Let’s recap: your husband is unhappy with his life, depressed, hates his job, doesn’t have any friends and lacks the skills to make changes. My God! It’s a wonder he’s survived this long. He is a mess and needs help. It’s scary to consider counseling, which is why people continually find excuses not to pursue it. You need to sit down with him and tell him that the two of you—not just him—need help. Drag him kicking and screaming if that’s what it takes. Remember he’s afraid, so he’ll need lots of reassurance from you that this will improve your lives.  You’re both veterans, so you’re eligible for VA assistance. Call your local VA and get information about free or low-cost counseling. Another option is to call your local mental health society. Do it now. Best of luck to you both. Dr. J

[no1bubble]

(which he's always been against sex with teens because it's "morally wrong"), & last i saw it's been getting in2 webcams. i've stopped looking because he said he's starting 2 resent me because of it & i'm trying very hard 2 make this work. i'm certain it's still going on tho. we have internet again & he spends all his time on it. i've looked in2 porn addictions & he has all the "symptoms", but i have no idea what to do! i feel like it's really starting 2 make things harder because when we try to have sex or i try 2 pleasure him, he can't orgasm most of the time. as far as i know he doesn't masterbate most of the time, he just looks. i think what the real problem is is that he's unhappy with his life & porn is a way 2 make him feel a little better. he also spends all his time playing some internet game so he can 4get about the world around him. he's admitted that he's depressed about pretty much everything in our lives cuz & we're going thru a really tough time all around(financially, emotionally, he hates his job, he doesn't have any friends 2 hang out with). i've been trying 2 offer suggestions 2 maybe take the edge off of the bs like getting a hobby, making something(he loves 2 work with his hands) or just doing something he's always wanted 2 do, but he still just spends all his time on the computer. i hate seeing him like this becuz his depression is my depression & he's so much potential & he's wasting his life. every1 i've talked 2 about this says 2 leave him if he can't respect how i feel. that's NOT an option 2 me. i love him so much & we've been thru things together that would kill any other relationship. we met in the navy, made it thru that which is hard on its own, been homeless together, built up our lives together, had it ripped away together... & have still been able 2 get by with just ourselves. when we're both in a good mood, we're playful, affectionate, & just have a wonderful, amazing time together which is rare especially after 7 yrs. our strength & personalities compliment eachother so well & i feel we can both accomplish great things together if we work at it. i think if i left him, he'd be worse off emotionally than he is now because he would lose the 1 person who can be there & has been there 4 him. i'd love 2 try counseling, but we don't have the $ 4 that & he's so stubborn, i don't think he'd be down 4 it. he's got a good job doing what he loves, but his boss takes advantage of him so he's torn when it comes 2 quitting & we really need the money. he's got no friends in the area & all the ppl he comes in2 contact with r idiots who just want 2 party which is not what he wants 2 do or needs. i've tried getting him 2 go out with me but he's on call 24/7 & works ALL the time & we don't even really have much $ so choices r very limited. i'm at a complete loss of what 2 do. my only suggestions 2 him he doesn't take cuz even he says he's so depressed he can't get out of his rut & find the motivation 2 do anything. can any1 PLEASE give me some sort of advice besides leaving becuz like i said it's NOT AN OPTION... he means 2 much 2 me 4 me 2 leave him in the state he's in & it would possibly kill both of us. so there's my story... thanks 4 reading/ listening:)