Aa
Sometimes just dont want to
Im 20 years old and when me and my boyfriend start to have sex, i want to but then when we start i just dont want to anymore. It has nothing at all to do with him. He gets mad because he thinks it does. Then if i do actually get into it, i start to think to much and i cant enjoy sex. Can someone tell me how i might can fix this so that i can get more into sex and enjoy it?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hi Kellie.
You ask "can someone tell me how to fix this...so I can enjoy it?" You actually have the answer, but it might take some exploring on your part to discover just what's holding you back. All I can do is share with you some issues that have inhibited sexual feelings for other women.
You say you begin to think too much during sex. So ask yourself just what is it that you think about? Are you having obsessive thoughts about something? Perhaps you’re worried that your body isn’t attractive, or that you’re not desirable. Another possibility is that you’re anxious in general, and so, naturally, you’re anxious about sex too. Once you start worrying about something, it’s fairly impossible to enjoy it. Imagine if every time you began to eat something, you worried about whether it was going to taste good, whether it was fattening, whether it was bad for you, etc. You get the idea. These kinds of thoughts can destroy sexual desire. Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel.
There is no magic formula to regain desire. Everyone is different, and I can’t tell you anything about yourself because I don’t know you. You know yourself best, and I suspect if you examine your past experiences, messages you got about sex and your feelings about your current relationship, you’ll have some insights into what’s going on.
Ask yourself whether any of your feelings about your boyfriend have changed since you first met. Are you, in fact, turned on to your boyfriend? It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? Remember you’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant. Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with him. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic.
On the other hand, if you DON’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for you, then you may be repressing sexual feelings, or you’re just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Another possibility is that you have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your boyfriend’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated or feeling conflicted about the relationship. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. If you truly love your boyfriend and want to stay with him, your next step is to talk with him about this to see if there’s any possibility of making some changes that would increase your sexual desire. Perhaps there are some things he’s doing that are preventing you from “getting in the mood.” Best of luck to you. Dr. J
You ask "can someone tell me how to fix this...so I can enjoy it?" You actually have the answer, but it might take some exploring on your part to discover just what's holding you back. All I can do is share with you some issues that have inhibited sexual feelings for other women.
You say you begin to think too much during sex. So ask yourself just what is it that you think about? Are you having obsessive thoughts about something? Perhaps you’re worried that your body isn’t attractive, or that you’re not desirable. Another possibility is that you’re anxious in general, and so, naturally, you’re anxious about sex too. Once you start worrying about something, it’s fairly impossible to enjoy it. Imagine if every time you began to eat something, you worried about whether it was going to taste good, whether it was fattening, whether it was bad for you, etc. You get the idea. These kinds of thoughts can destroy sexual desire. Sexual desire is a very tenuous thing: it can come and go many times—and the more you worry about it, the worse you’ll feel.
There is no magic formula to regain desire. Everyone is different, and I can’t tell you anything about yourself because I don’t know you. You know yourself best, and I suspect if you examine your past experiences, messages you got about sex and your feelings about your current relationship, you’ll have some insights into what’s going on.
Ask yourself whether any of your feelings about your boyfriend have changed since you first met. Are you, in fact, turned on to your boyfriend? It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Does he have any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? Remember you’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant. Do you think about sex—not with him, but with others? Do you daydream about sex with celebrities, etc.? Do you self-pleasure? Have sexy dreams? If so, that would indicate that you’re interested in sex, but you’re not interested in sex with him. This could be an indicator that it’s the relationship that’s problematic.
On the other hand, if you DON’T think about sex ever, if it’s not a priority for you, then you may be repressing sexual feelings, or you’re just not that interested in sex. We all go through periods in our life when our sexual interests fluctuate—just like our interests in other aspects of life.
And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationship? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.
Another possibility is that you have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?
There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: If you’re worried about pleasing your partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it, this can be a turn-off. The other message that many of us receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure.
And, of course, there’s the whole issue of your boyfriend’s attitudes and behaviors and whether any of those are affecting your desire. Is sex mostly about HIS pleasure rather than yours?
So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated or feeling conflicted about the relationship. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself. I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize. If you truly love your boyfriend and want to stay with him, your next step is to talk with him about this to see if there’s any possibility of making some changes that would increase your sexual desire. Perhaps there are some things he’s doing that are preventing you from “getting in the mood.” Best of luck to you. Dr. J
It's all comes from your mind. You need to let go and relax and just think about the feelings you're experiencing. It may help to watch what's happening. Stay in the moment. It really helps if he is the right size to satisfy you, and if he can go long enough too. Bad sex, and not wanting to do it anymore, is usually after he's the only one who gets any satisfaction out of it. I've had amazing (multiple orgasm) sex, and trust me I would never say no to that, then I've had sex where he's the only one to enjoy it, and truthfully, I don't want to do it again. Sometimes, I can help the unsatisfying sex along by really staying in the moment, but sometimes there's no hope because he can't or won't go long enough or isn't long enough. :) and if not, he's not the right one for me.
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