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Why does my stepson annoy me so much??
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Why does my stepson annoy me so much??

Hello all - I haven't posted yet to this forum, so I'm a first-timer.

I am a gay female and have been with my partner for 11 1/2 years.  When we got together, her son was almost 4, and we have since had a little girl together.  I have always felt that the relationship my partner has with our son is unusually affectionate and doting, and I have, for the most part, risen above this over the years.  He is now 15, and he, quite frankly, just annoys me to death.  He is frequently in "our business", talks incessantly, is constantly hugging on his mother, etc, and I am really having trouble with all of that all of a sudden.  I have never wanted to interfere with her loving her son - that has never been my intention, but this is getting on my nerves and I don't know what to do.  Last night I went up to bed and he was laying in our bed next to her.  Granted, he wasn't going to sleep with us or anything like that, but it just went all over me.  My partner could tell, and once she got him in bed she came back and expressed her dissatisfaction with what had just happened, even though I hadn't said anything about it when I arrived in the bedroom (I guess my body language was enough?).  We began to argue and I expressed some need for boundaries.  I just don't think it's necessary or healthy, for that matter, for a 15 year old boy to be snuggling with his mother in our bed.  There are other places for that kind of activity - I just don't want to see it happening in our bed.  Anyway, the argument escalated, she basically threatened to leave if my "behavior" keeps up, and I now feel absolutely awful about what happened.  

Am I being too ridiculous in this matter?  Do I need to let it go?  Our relationship is awesome otherwise.

Thank you!
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9 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_n_tn
i personally don't think its ridiculous, i am having some of the same issues with my husband and his 8 year old son. I agree with bounderies, especially at the age of 15! Let your partner know its not about her loving him that needs to change it is what is expected of him at that age. I hope it works out well for you.
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1423843_tn?1282689320
This is a now-win situation. It a son (her baby...) and if she does not see it as a problem, then there won't be a change.
Compromise: a timed "no cuddle/kid zone" (after 8 pm?)
One step and behavior at a time. Otherwise, it will feel like an attack to her, and that is not what you mean.
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Avatar_n_tn
I totally understand your feelings.  My husband allows his 11 yr. old son to lay in OUR bed and it makes me crazy.  It is so disrespectful to me......this kid has no boundaries at his mother's house so he thinks the same here.....NOT.  My husband thinks because it's his son that makes it ok.  I am sure it is with him BUT it's NOT my son nor do I have any children, so it's like having a stranger in our bed.  My husband does become very defensive regarding this subject and we still argue about it.  He lets him watch TV in our bed when I am not home......and we have 4 other TV's in the house.  

My suggestion is to have your partner and her son cuddle/talk on his bed or the sofa....somewhere else besides your bed.  Their must be somewhere else they can go besides your bed.  It is amazing to me that a 15 yr. old BOY would want to do that.  Good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
OK you are NOT being ridiculous- you are being quite reasonable given the situation. First of all- call me crazy but is it mentally healthy for a 15 yr kid to be snuggling mom in bed? Anyone else find that odd? And the fact the mom doesn't recognize this behaviour as not normal- thats a problem. So basically the mom is telling you to deal with it or else- are you going to change? Are you going to keep allowing that teenager to act like a small child in yalls bed?  This situation is not only unhealthy for you and your partner- this is sending the wrong message to the 15 yr old- as far as what is " appropriate" .
Maybe you can have a heart to heart with your partner about the "unhealthy" situation.
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Avatar_m_tn
Wow, this is my story, all of the replies talks about me. I also have an 81/2 year old step son who annoys me so much for the same reason posted. It is driving crazy and right now I'm so unloving to my husband.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi.  I think what is so hard is that when you are the parent that has known this child from birth, you see them differently than someone else does meeting them later in life.  You've spent the time with them when they were tiny and climbing all over you.  That they still want to be close to you physically isn't seen as an intrusion and maybe even a 'nice' way to recapture closeness with your child.  I have two sons, 8 and 7 that still will lay on my lap or come and lay down on my bed and talk and cuddle.  To me, it is nice time with my boys.  Now, if it were a child that was in my life for one reason and one reason only, that I married their father, it would feel more intrusive.  If I'd been tolerating the child all day long and it hit 8 pm, I'd too want him out of my personal space.  

This is the difference between being the bio parent and the step parent in my opinion.  It is not a condemnation of step parents or a glorification of bio parents.  It is just that they will always view the same child a little differently.  The two adults in a relationship with this issue have to reconcile that somehow.  

It would be a good thing for the man you married to love and adore his child.  That is to be admired.  But it you would like boundaries to your space.  I think that is fair.  Find a way to talk about this with the other parent so that you don't feel like it is you against them.  But rather your spouse and  you trying to work through something to be on the same page.

I really like the idea above of a certain time in which the bedroom you sleep in is all yours.  They can cuddle in the child's room or whatever.  That is really a fair way to handle that!

blending families is really hard----------  but it CAN be done.  Hang in there and keep trying.  Peace
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Avatar_m_tn
I'm having simular issues with my 12 year old step daughter. I've taken on 3 kids with my lovely girlfriend. The youngest (3) calls me dad and I have a very close relationship with her, the middle (6) doesnt call me dad but refers to me as her dad. The eldest (12) seems constantly battling the world as she goes through pubity anyway, but before I was around their seemed to be little bounderies for her, as her mother struggled as a single parent. She disobays, argues, doesn't listen, is sneaky and lies and her mother just consistantly puts it down to her age group. I agree to some extent but when she's stealing food, go into our room/and her sisters and taking things and lying about it, it drives me banannas. I made a terrible mistake of getting pysical and carrying her into the house by force when he refused once. It was the wrong thing to do obviously in hindsite but her behaviour boils my blood, and she plays on that one-off instance now.

And to make matters worse, when I do have to dicipline her, or talk to her about issues (which I try to do in a more adult fashion to the younger ones) her mother, who is intitled to critique my methods, does it in ear shot of her so my authority is destroyed further. What makes matters worse is I am a teacher and more than familar with dealing children of this age.

And she too tries to sneak in our bed, is at our door (lurking) or gate crashing our adult time. Which is why I'm sitting in the kitchen (hiding) whilst typing this until she vacates the room.

grrrrrr
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Avatar_m_tn
me too.  How do we get over this?
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Avatar_m_tn
My Stepson was 19 yrs old when I married my wife. We have been married for 3 years now which makes my stepson 22. I got home late last night due to a problem at work. Once I opened the bedroom door there he was on the bed talking to his mother. I have discussed this problem with my wife before and kindly informed her that this is very disrespectful to me and that her son is not a young child and should be aware of the boundaries. She tells me that it is okay and that in South America many families talk on the bed. She told me that in front of her son who replied back to me saying that Latinos are very warm people and just because I'm not used to this it should stop them of continuing. Am I crazy, this is my bed.
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