connecting to my step son

i have been with my husband for 2 years now, i have one son 7 and he has three children. I have been able to bond somewhat with the youngest two but for some reason i can't make that bond with the oldest. He absoulty drives me nuts. i personally think he has ADHD but my husband doesn't believe in medicating his kids. He is overly hyper and has zero common sense. he has embarassed us several times on family outings cause he says whatever is on his mind wether its to a stranger, us, or anyone. i have tried and tried to find a common ground with him but it seems impossible. sometimes i feel like i am expecting too much but then i think, well manners and behaving well really aren't that hard. It seems like it is more of a challenge because they have no rules with their mother. They behave, eat, say and bathe when they want and it does not work like that in my house with my son. i just don't know what to do anymore. My husband and i have had at least two arguements because of it. He feels i am being "rude" to him and i don't mean to be i just don't have anything to say to him and when he does speak to me i can't help but clench my teeth, listen, answer and walk off. what do i do?

[Londres70]

I am going through the same thing with my 12 year old soon to be 13 year old stepdaughter.  Plus, she likes to talk like a baby, sometimes talks about herself in third person and socializes with children younger than her, i.e. 7 year olds.  She is extremely hyper and has NO common sense.  For example, yesterday she asked her father is corn yellow or orange?  What?  I thought is she REALLY that stupid or is this just to get attention?  Her father just shrugs his shoulders and says "Oh, I can't do anything about that.  I though I have a list of things you can do.  And her bio mother, yeah, what a waste.  She has an older son watch the younger children while she does what she wants.  We have my stepdaughter and my stepson every weekend, holidays and during the summer.  My stepson seems normal and there are no special issues with him.  

Wish I knew what to do about this.  I am hoping all this will pass.  

PM me if you like.    

[kc9546]

I have a step son and he was acting like a wild child at various times with me- at home, or out in public.  He was completely testing his boundaries and being disprespectful to me.  I was quiet about it (wasn't responding to me) until I finally had had it.  One thing that I did that was VERY helpful.....is that I had a heart-to-heart talk with him.  I was very firm, told him what was expected of him (discussed his unacceptable behavior) and told him that he needed to work with me as much as I needed to work with him.  I think boys need someone who is firm.  I think my stepson runs the house with his mom- and he doesn't have any structure or boundaries.  So I made it clear to him about what was expected of him and my husband supported that.  I also spend 1:1 time with my stepson which is helpful because it helps our communication with one another- he knows I am listening to him and vice versa.  I don't yell- because I don't think kids respond well to this.  I also encourage him to tell me when he is frustrated.   I may occasionally get loud or firm and will pull him aside, or talk with him 1:1 so he really hears what I am saying.  I make him part of the equation- so he has some ownership in the situation.  I think the best thing you can do is develop a good 1:1 relationship with him (even if it's just for a little bit here and there).  Get him to value what you say- and teach him what is appropriate and what is not.  Ask your husband to support you in the process, of course.  Believe it or not- your role is very important.  You can be another very important woman who can teach him great things- to include acting appropriately and behaving well.  Kids need to be taught these things- and you can set a good example for him.  It's easier said than done, I know.  Also- what is his age?  My stepson is 11. ...and has just entered  tweenville.   I can't imagine what things will be like when he is a teennager - I assume that it will be tough.   I just stand my ground, and although he hasn't liked it at times, he is a good kid, and will come around because he knows I love him.  Although he has a mom- I think getting the love, support and teachings from another adult in his life- will help him later on.  Just don't give up on him.  Maybe taking him on a special outing once in a while would be helpful (since you have other childrent, too)- so that you can really connect with him.   Just an idea.  Hope this is helpful.  

[shlbyfst]

I think from personal experience these children are looking to corrupt your relationship. My soon to be 13 year old step son has finally admitted he has been trying to cause fights between his dad and I because he wants us to break up...his situation is a bit different because he lives with us full time. His mother tried to do the same when she found out her ex had finally moved on and started stalking and harassing us to the point of several restraining orders...clearly a history of mental instability. Basically he just lies to us and tells me one thing and his father another. He likes to play the victim role so people feel bad for him because as he says.."I gets things from people if they feel bad for me"...he likes to starts fights and was caught laughing silently to himself...and no its not because he wants mom and dad together because he chose to leave his mom because his dad pretty much did all the raising and cuddling etc...has has a very priviledged life and big family. Doesnt lack love or attention...I have a really hard time dealing with him because I dont like him corrupting my home and family...I used to feel really bad for him and did "special" things that I didnt even do for my own daughter...he basically does anything to attract attention from us and it takes our happiness away. We just had a new baby also and he hates her...nope not because of his dad but because she is a she....he wanted a boy and he feels he has been violated since he didnt get what he wanted....therapy doesnt help because he lies and acts like a perfect little high honor child who does no wrong...he has said he just wants people to think he is perfect and he doesnt care personally if he knows its a lie...he has lied to cops and told them his older brother held him against his will...when he finally got caught in the lie we made him apologize and he has been grounded for a few months...he gets rewards for everything positive and heart to heart conversations for hours on end...he finally just told us he thinks about killing and getting away with it....I fear for my baby and little girl...at least the one good thing I can say is his dad knows and we are a "team"...he is hurt to the core that his only son is disturbed beyond words but with everything we have on our plate at least we have the support of each other and my marriage is not in jeopardy because of his son...this is a big factor...no matter what they had before. It is important that NO MATTER what their moms let them do or not...your home is yours and they do not have the right to corrupt a family just because they dont want daddy to move on.

[Londres70]

OMG!!  Your post says alot and I thank you for posting.  It speaks for step parents who have given their all and get nothing but problems, etc.  

I am in situation where the ex-wife is having a problem moving on and it is projected onto the kids then to us.  It is horrible.  Everything was ok with my stepkids except for my 24 year old ss until the ex-wife found out her ex-husband and I were married.  And then the drama started.