What to do about our mother-daughter relationship?

First off, I want to thank whom ever takes the time to read this and respond seriously. =) My mother and I have a horrible relationship. It all started approximately 6.5 years ago when I was about 16 years old. I am now 22 years old. Well when I was 16 I started dating this guy who my mother didn't like from the get go. He was my first real relationship and my first love. I was with him for 5.5 years total. My mother hated him from the get go because she felt she was loosing me to him as I did not spend as much time with her.

Around the 3rd year of us dating, I moved out and moved into his moms basement. Well alot happened, he cheated, lied, I stayed and was mentally and emotionally abused. My mother started resenting me for being with my ex because when I was happy I would tell her and Of course when I was upset, I would talk to my mother.  She told me I need to leave and that he was not good for me.Throughout the whole relationship with this guy, she would call me constantly asking me where I was, telling me to call her all the time. When I would forget to call her or I when I was busy, she would call me and leave me nasty voice mails of how I am stupid and I am throwing my life away. She would say hateful things like I have put everyone aside for my ex and that I dont love her anymore. She would call and guilt me about anything and everything.When I did spend time with her, I would go to the house and all she would do is tell me what to do and how to live my life. I have been on my own financially since I was 16 years old and have had a job ever since. I was fully independant and capable of taking care of myself. Mind you, she quit her job great paying job because she didn't want to quit using weed and pills. She then went into severe depression and had fincanical difficulties. She does not have a husband or boyfriend.

The relationship with my boyfriend consistantly got worse. We had about 3 years of happiness and then he cheated and lied, but I still stuck around for 2.5 more years because I wanted to try to work it out.. My mother would keep calling and making me angry and yell at me for literatlly no reason at all, like for it she had a bad day, she would call and take it out on me. She would even call me repeatedly and leave me the voicemails and if I still didnt answer, she would go as far as driving over to his house and banging on the door to argue. My ex got sick of it.

I eventually got out of the relationship with my boyfriend after him dumping me and I moved back home with my mom. During this time, I would be with her a lot. I did allow myself some time to go out and try to have fun and be single. The whole 3 months when I would go anywhere, my mother would expect me to call her and check in. Mind you I was 21 years old, I had lived out side of her house for a few years and she still expects me to "report" to her.  I would call her some of the time when I was out just to please her and make her feel better. She would never say thank you.

Eventually I found another man that I fell in love with. We have been dating a year now, but I have known him for 5 years and have been really close friends.  Well, this man is extremely opposite from my ex. He treats me with respect and love and cares for me so much. He is a great guy. My mother has met him twice. She resents him too because I have moved in with him a few months ago. She says stuff like you have thrown everyone away for Nick.  There is a pattern here. She said that about my ex. She does not know my current boyfriend.She says she is happy for me then gets all mad because I dont bring him around. . We live 40 minutes away and cant afford to drive there all the time. She has no reason to talk about him like that. She resents anything I am close to.

I and many of people have told her, her behaviour is pushing me away. That is absolutely correct. She would apologize and say she will change as she knows that she is pushing me away and that she wants to work on it. Two days later she is back to being mean and nasty and guilting me. I told her that she needs to stop obsessing over my life and try to get a hobby. She legally cannot work as she is on disability. I try to give her advice on exercising becuase she is depressed that she is getting heavy, but she wont do anything about it.

It gets so bad that it is now starting to affect my relationship with my boyfriend and I am afraid that it will push him away like it did the last one. She treats me like I am still 15 years old. I want so badly to have a normal relationship with her. Just to have one nice converstation without her telling me "what I need to do" Honestly, I am more of an adult than she. She chose to quit her good job for drugs way back when and she chose to not do anything with her life. I just want to live my life with my boyfriend and talk to her every once in a while like once a week would make me happy. But she wants me to call her everyday. She thinks I ignore her calls. Sometimes I am at work she will call and when I get off work I sometimes forget to call her back since I am focused on driving home. I call her back the next day or two and she yells or guilts me. She gives attitude and is sarcastic with her apologies and says stuff like well thanks for calling me back. She is never sincere when she talks to me. I dont want to be around somone who treats me like crap and who belittles me. Yet she expects me to want to see her. My boyfriend is tired of me being upset and it hurts. I just want to be friends with my mother again, but ever since my ex she has been this way. She is on anti depressants and her doctor has advised on a psychiatric evaluation, but she is too stubborn to want to get help. You cant talk to her because she is always right or, she guilts you and says "oh well I guess everything is my fault and I am a horrible person". It is just so much to type that I cant even begin to explain how she thinks. I just want to live my life and be happy. She just wants everyone to be miserable because she is miserable. I have tried to be nice and just take her abuse and try to reason. I shouldn't have to take it. Another thing, is that my 27 year old brother lives with her and when she gets mad at me for no reason, she takes it out on him as well. My brother agrees with me that my mother acts childish and likes to argue. But he tells me just to take the abuse. I cant. I went through so much abuse with my ex of 5.5 years. My new boyfriend has been helping me re-build my confidence and find happiness and helping me learn that I need to stick up for myself  and not let people walk on me.  I have been trying for the last 7 years  to fix all of this but nothing has changed. I cannot take it any more. It hurts my heart,  and I am always stressed. We are always fighting and it never ends. She never wants to stop. She says she hates it, but if she did, she would change. My father and a few other people have told me that I might just need to stop talking to her for a while to get it to sink in that she has pushed me away.  That maybe she needs a trigger to make her realise that if should wouldnt be so spiteful and angry that we wouldn't argue. I love my mom so much and just want our good relationship back and I dont know what to do. I would love to just have a normal conversation but it just doesn't happen. Please help. I am sorry this is so long.  =/

[Cheetah40]

It sounds like your mother and mine are very much alike.  I am the 50 year old daughter of a mother that is a lot like yours. My mother is 69 years old.  I wanted to respond to you because I can tell you from my many years of experience trying to please my mom that it just doesn't work, no matter how hard you try.  The behavior that you have described will more than likely not ever change unless your mother comes out of denial and reaches out to ask for professional help.

I was unable to live my own life until I finally gave myself permission to take a break from my mother.  Only then did I realize how stressed out I had been all those years by subjecting myself to her drama and issues. (My mother continues to live in denial.)

It could have been hard for your mother to realize that you are a grown woman now.  Your mother could also be very lonely, however that's not your burden to carry. Ultimately, it has to be your mother's decision to get help.

You are so young and sound like a daughter that is struggling because she loves her mother very much in spite of everything.  Go live your own life and pursue your own dreams.  Try to be tolerant, patient and kind when you can because above all else she is your mother.  Just try not to be so hard on yourself when you fail.  

[emilia2011]

i had basically the same thing happen to me i was physical,emotionally,and mentally abused if you want to stay in the relationship my best advice would be to leave the time he puts a hand on you and go apolizge to your parents in tell them there right they will find it in there heart to forgive you. my dad was tell me the when i was in your state your in the beginning he sounds like he has mental he to deal with first so he will probably end up abusive there just trying to protect you i know you feel like and adult which you are but in there heart they have a duty to protect you being there kid

[brice1967]

I am not doctor, but it does sound as if your mother has a few mental issues that need resolving.  She seems to be a bit out of control in her life and is trying to control yours.  It's an unfortunate situation, and it certainly can ruin the relationship you had or want. Keep in mind, we can only control ourselves.  This includes your mother.  Her obsession of you staying in constant contact is her condition to deal with, not yours.  

You need to have a heart to heart conversation with her.  If she is not willing to actually listen, your option is to sever ties for a while.  Give her no contact, but let her know that is what you are doing.  "Mom, you won't listen to me... you won't go get help as your doctor has suggested.  I am tired of you constantly judging me and trying to run my life.  I am an adult and am paying my own way through life.  I may make some mistakes, but none of them will ruin my life, unless I allow them too.  Our relationship has become so stressful, and your reluctance to get help has made it unbearable to continue this, as it is.  I am taking a break from you.  You need help, and until you get some, I am not available."  You can also tell her that the sarcasm she exhibits is getting old.  Her demanding to know where you are at all times is getting old as well.

Again, if she doesn't listen to you.... simply and politely turn to her and tell her you love her, but you are not going to take her calls anymore.  Tell her that you'll be in contact when you want to be in contact.  You do not need to be rude.... tell her help is available, and if she is willing to take the help, you are willing to help her.  If she isn't, you arent available.

It really sounds as if she has your brother right where she wants him, and is trying to have the same thing with you.  Mom probably has a few mental conditions, but they are treatable.  The problem is, she has to want the help.  Denial or projection (projection is blaming the real problem on someone or something else, instead of the real cause) is a common response.  She just wants you to comply with her wants, but isn't willing to compromise.

So anyhow, that is a pretty basic blue print in taking this into your own hands.  Standing up for yourself can be liberating, but what you want to do is handle this with a bit of tact.  You're not trying to be a jerk.  You are trying to handle this with a bit of compassion and a bunch of facts and feelings.  The emotional aspect of this will probably be the toughest thing for both of you.

Bottom line is, you deserve to live your life.  You are an adult now.  If your situation is suitable, don't change it but you'll risk losing your relationship with your boyfriend.  If the situation is not suitable.... the blue print has been provided.

Good luck to you, and the sooner you start this, the sooner all of the healing can begin.