Im so sorry to all of you who have lost your babies.. We lost our son last year, May 18 he was born healthy, and June 11 God took him. It has been a year, a tough year, I live day by day, I have lost my routine, I wake up wondering if Im going to have a good or bad day. My emotions hit me like rocks some days and I hold my babies pics and just cry. You know they say "The first year is the hardest", I tried to think that way, and after the year I thought I would feel better, or get my kick back in life. But I dont really feel any different. I realize that we were truly blessed to have our son, but why couldnt I have kept him? I have 3 other beautiful children, we had i miscarriage before my daughter, and I have gone back and forth on the idea of having another baby. My hubby and kids have wanted one from the moment we lost our son, but I have been afraid, I have alot of medical problems I wanted to have taken care of before becoming pregnant again. After a year, the medical problems are a life long adventure, and I want another baby now. All my neighbors just had babies, I miss my son, I just want to hold him again.
Im angey,sad,depressed,happy,unsettled,rational,irrational,guilty and every other emotion that could possibly be. I found him that morning, lying peaceful, but not breathing. My husband had just let and I found my son, not waking for his morning feeding. I had to call 911, I had to preform CPR on him, my son came in as I was yellling at him to find a phone to call dad home, my 2 year old daughter sat by me quietly watching me try to bring our little angel back to life. I was unsuccesful, I feel that my moment came to be the most important mother in the world, and I couldnt bring my son back to life. Why have I been dealt such a hand in life? He lay as peaceful as an angel, his color still pink with life, his skin still warm to the touch. I had gotten up at 5:04am to help my husband look for his phone, and at 5:14am, my son was gone. The paramedics tried and flew him to the hospital,but the drs said he never recovered, even if he did, I imagined when I got there he would be hooked up to a life support. I called all of my family to pray, thinking that maybe,just maybe, there was a miracle awaiting us when we arrived at the hospital. We needed a miracle, but not that day. It started off a blue shiny morning and after the dr told us the terrible news, we went outside, the blue crisp morning had turned gray and dreary. Like our crying it seemed the sky and Heavens were crying for us. I have the horrible memories of that morning, the guilt of not waking him up 5 mins earlier when my husband was home, the horrible feeling of the losss of control as a mother that I could not give him my air to bring him back. It overwhelms me somedays and I just want to be along, away from all people and life. My husband and my kids help me to carry one, knowing that I have to live for them. I pray all the time hoping someday I will be with my perfect son....
No one can help me to understand or comfort me. Why a normal healthy perfect baby just stop living???? We are still trying to get into counseling, I go to sleep at night praying for the answers. I ask God to take care of him and our family. We feel like we are missing a piece though,and after a year, that feeling has not gone away. So we just our living day by day!!
The feelings you are having is a grieving process. I too lost my baby at 18 months old, SIDS they say. It has been 23 ys since that horrible day, the memories are there but not as hurtful as they were I try to think of the wonderful few months I had him with me. I still feel sad, depressed sometimes but my faith is what carries me through the rough times. For many years I was angry at God for taking my baby, but now I realize that He did not take him as a punishment, but his work on this earth was done and God took him home where he will live forever and I can once again be with my baby. I pray that you find the faith and comfort that you will need to get through this. May God give you peace.
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