Depression is going to kill me

[Ruuuuuu]

Hey I'm Maya and I'm 15.
I have problems with my depression. I feel so down every day. I sleep too much. I quarrel with people when I'm awake. I can't concentrate in school. I'm often nervous. That's why I started smoking. At first I controlled myself. (For example, my depression started in September and I smoked too but I stopped then easily.)
I feel like nobody cares for me anymore. Nobody can help me. Sometimes I wish I'd be alone with music, bad and cigarettes.
I'm also taking pills when I feel bad... They don't have effect but somehow I think I will feel better if I take them.
I never cut myself. I'm actually pretty much afraid of pain.
I don't know why I feel so... I don't find any big traumatic event in past few months, I could even get happier. I've met a guy who treats me perfectly. I should be really happy of what's happening to me.

I don't know what to do about that depression; but I feel that once I'm gonna burst out, I'm gonna run away and kill myself...

[mishymoshymarcy]

Awwww listen to me please.... dont keep cutting. it does nothin for you. there are other ways u can feel pain without damaging your body and skin. e.g. You could use a rubber band, put it around your wrist, pull and let go. thats what i do whenever i feel bad. or you could hold an ice cube to your skin and hold it there for a while. there are so many other ways. please dont keep going with that cutting one. you will only regret later.
I know you dont want to stop, but it will be for the best. please....
And also please talk to someone else about this, because i am beggining to get worried... I am here for you.
X

[Ruuuuuu]

Thanks for the answer.
My situation changed a bit now. I'm really quitting smoking and I guess I'm doing good.
But I have more and more relapses of depression and break-downs are the thing I deal with everyday. I even start to cut myself, I do it once a day and I don't feel like stopping.
And I've been actually pretty suicidal these days, but I'm somehow going through.
But I guess I'm gonna be okay. :)
Again, thank you for the answer!

[mishymoshymarcy]

Hello.l I am sorry you are feeling this way.

Well first of all i would like to quickly jump ahead to the main critical point. Please don't kill yourself. I feel the same way too, but running away will do nothing. I have never run away, although i undertsnad that there are times where you want to.....but something stops you from doing it. Always remember the saying:
"Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem"
Do you cry alot? If you don't, don't be afriad to let it out. We all cry at times. Unlike me, i am not able to cry, so my emotions just get worse.
Anyway, i am glad that you havent cut, because i found out the hard way that it does nothing for you. Now i have one scar on my arm from about a 4 months ago. All it does it damage your skin, so please do not start.
If you can i suggest you stop smoking. Drugs only make your emotions work. Don't go 'cold turkey', take it one step at a time. You know what smoking can do to you. The results can be terrifying.
Do you take anti-depressants?
Look at the world around you, its beautiful, if you look real close. Don't give up. Look at the people who make you smile everyday, and treasure your life. Because your life is truly precious, please don't give up on it.
Also is there a counsellor you can go and see at school? I see one. It will get better, just give it time. And you can get help. By posting this on Medhelp you have taken the first step. And for that i congratulate you. '
I hope i have helped. :)