Lately I've been feeling like I don't have anything about me that's even worth bothering to pay attention to. I have emotions that are heightened. I feel EVERYTHING. My emotions are amplified, heightened, larger than they should be. I feel like all I ever do -- and have ever done -- is hurt the people I love. I've never had many friends. I push people away without even TRYING to. I hurt them by being just really cutting and vicious and I never try to, but it just happens, and then once I realize what I've done, some subconscious part of me has to finish what I've started and I end up "cutting the head off the chicken" with a cleaver made of cutting words meant to hurt them, and then since I've hurt someone, I feel like I have to hurt myself in response. I end up just mindlessly leaving the room and locking myself away & won't let myself come out to do ANYTHING because I've banned myself from being around people. It's the weirdest thing. it's like my emotions rule me and I can't get past them. & when I try to go fix what I've done, I get so afraid to leave my room because I've already made myself look like an idiot, with all this anxiety just flooding over me and I can't do it. I don't know what to do. I feel like everyone would be so much better off if I didn't even exist. I feel like my Mom would be so much better off without me in the mix. One less mouth to feed, one less kid to yell at and get stressed over because I create these consequences for myself that hurt her, too. I feel like I'm so self destructive, so doom-impending on myself that I can't let myself have a NORMAL teenage life like NORMAL people do. I think I'm bipolar with all my stupid mood swings that take a serious swing at the people I love. I feel like I can't laugh, can't experience the world the way I SHOULD. So many times I've wanted to just end my life, take away this gruesome pain in side of me, with a little pills and a bathtub full of water, but I'm so scared of death it's not even funny. I just don't know what to do. I want to fix myself so badly. I'm so tired of letting my stupid emotions control me. (and if ANYONE says ANYTHING about this just "being my age" or "my hormones," I will seriously explode. That's what happened when I went to go talk to a counselor about it. That's not advice, it's more of an opinion.This is serious stuff.) I just need help. Please! I'm begging someone. What is it that I can do to end all of this?
The answer to your question "What is it I can do to end all of this?" well one solution would be suicide. I know. Sometimes you feel like dying right? you think you'd be better off and that its the easier option. Well i can assure you it may be the best way but its not the only way. Don't do it! there is always and alternative. I didn't listen to the people trying to help and i've attempted suicide many times. it wasn't till recently that i realised that there are other ways. you just need to find them. ! i know I've only touched on the suicide part because i think that's the most important! sorry i can't be much help
I believe that i should say something. As a reply to the previous post and as advice to you. I do not believe that suicide is the best way. Infact it shouldn't really even be an option.And i thank you for your fear toward it. Don't get me wrong though, i understand what it is like to want to die, trust me i do... But i am sure you are aware of the grief it would cause your family, whether you believe it or not... We think of suicide as a way to get out of current life circumstances, and i have heard of some people who just use the thought as some kind of comfort. It gives them some kind of relief to just imagine it, but it doesn't mean they will go ahead and do it. Well anyway that another story i guess...
And i understand what its like for people to tell you that this is all puberty and being a teenager, etc... But i always say to myself, 'But why would it cause you so much pain and confusion if it was?' Don't you agree?
Well anyway, i am sure your mum loves you so much! So please don't think otherwise. Trust me, her life would not be better without you. Try not to let those thoughts take over, please.
Overall i would just like to ask you, are you still seeing the counsellor?? Have you had recents talks with your mum/parents about how you have been feeling. They will help you...
One last thing.... You are precious and worth alot more than you think. Treasure yourself, because you ARE special. Believe me.
I hope i have helped... Please don't give up.....Things will get better. :)
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