More Information bout me cutting & be depressed..

[SammiRena]

Hi, I'm 13. I'm kinda short, and I weigh about 100 pounds. I am kind of popular, and I do have fun at school. But for no reasons, I just feel so depressed when I get home. I'm not gonna lie, we are poor. Lower class, whatever. I have a 27 year old brother, and a 10 year old brother. My dad and mom have had a abusive past, and he's went to jail for hitting my mom, and but he still does it, and my mother even gets him out of jail.. the next day! My dad hurts my mom, it makes me cry so hard, and when she gets pain pills from the doctor, my dad sells them. Why!?! We don't live in a nice neighbor hood, either.
My dad always pushes me, in public, I'm the overachiever, and he pushes me to hard. I am in advanced classes, all A's. I do three spots, I'm in FCA, NJHS, and a misget. I tell my parents what they want to hear, I have friends at school, but I'm always just.. lost. Like im in a daze, and I have nothing to do with my life. When I back talk, I'm afraid my dad will slap me next, those, oh-my-god, im-gonna-be-on-the-floor-like-my-mom-was feeling.
I know what your thinking, "uh, tell the police?" well, thats the whole point, They. Dont. Care. He's already been in jail for a year, my mom continued on with a marriage, even if they hate each other, and live together.
So, anyways, I cut. I cut my wrist, and I don't regret it. It really helps, it helps SO much, I don't want to die, don't get the wrong idea, I have to protect my brother, I couldn't leave him alone, Brad (27 year old) already moved out (half-bro anyways) But still, I do cut. I have for a while now. I go to school, the happy girl with a smile, a boyfriend, friends, good grades and sports, but behind that, I live.. this. I really don't see anything worth living for except my brother, whos just innocent. He knows whats going on, hes seen everything, yet he acts like its normal.
I dont want my brother to grow up like that.
Just, tell me what to do. Please, please, please. Tell me what to do. I'm begging you.

[gabby0327]

Hi. i am a 20 yr old female. let me tell you a little bit about me. My father died when i was 9. my mother brought her best friends to live with us after that. a couple and their 23yr old daughter at the time. they used to beat me with a 2in thick wooden paddle with 5 holes in it.  everyday. my mother was so depressed that she didn't even know. she still doesn't. i had to protect her. if they were beating me they wern't hurting her. anyways. I was 11 the first time i cut. i felt so alive, like nothing in the world mattered everything that was bad and could never be fixed just went away and for that 5 min that i sat watching the blood pour from my wrists i was free.. so believe me when i say i know exactly what your going through. You have to protect you little brother. i understand that. but maybe you need to talk to a school counselor, or coach, someone that can help you. open up to someone. if you can't make yourself say it out loud write it down in a journal everything that your going through and just let someone read it. I know it's hard to say you cut. i recently talked to a teacher that's known me for 7 years, she was shocked when i let her read my journal. she helped me to stop cutting. it's been 3 almost 4 months since i last cut. it's def hard to stop. I started by throwing away everything i used to cut with. razors, knives, scissors etc. every time i felt like i needed to cut i'd text or call her. she'd calm me down, and let me talk just say whatever I wanted to. she told me that i needed to find a different way to relieve my stress. she suggested running. and surprisingly it worked. now whenever i feel like cutting i go for a quick run, do sit-ups, push ups anything to take my mind off it. don't get me wrong it's not going to change over night. it's a long process and it ***** a lot. but it will get better. it can be better. i do admit. i've had a few slip ups the last 4 months. but it's not nearly as bad as it was.. the scars arn't a pretty sight to have to live with everyday. i have over 250 scars throughout my body. i'm not going to tell you that you have to stop but do your best.. if you ever need someone to talk to let me know and i'll give you my email address.
best of luck to you!

[more0then0a0virus]

       I understand the feeling. I don`t actually cut myself, but I drink so much, and often because i want to damage my organism, and kill every cell that makes me a freaking living creature.  
       And I understand every day is the same thing.

       I have an idea how to avoid hurting yourself. When I`m full or rage, I write. It`s not something, but it can help.
       I express my feelings by writing what i want to do myself. Like ripping out my organs, holding them in hands... Sometimes I write five times in the road "I hate myself". I push pencil so much that i rip the paper.

       Keep trying to be positive about getting out of there. And learn how not to treat your kids...
       And when it`s hard for you and need to talk, feel free to post here again or PM any one of us (I guess).  
       Hope you do well...

[SammiRena]

Thanks... And it just makes me feel better. I feel so alive when I do it, you may not understand, but every day it's the same thing, I'm just living my life in a daze. Thank you, though. I do feel better. I know that each day is closer to getting out of here, and every day I passed the test, again and again. So thank you, I hope you know how much this helps.

[alyoops46]

Dear Sammi, I'm a Mum of a 16 year old daughter.  Different to you she is raised in a very supportive, wealthy and loving environment.  Not wanting to rub salt in the wound, but my mother came from the same hell that you're living.  She was so determined to pull her brother through it unscathed and make a better life for her family - and she did it no thanks at all to her parents.  Thankfully she was so influencial I broke the cycle, unforntunately I don't think my child knows how easy she has it.  My heart goes out to you (honestly it does), but this too will make you stronger, and youth is so short lived hopefully the best you can pray for is that when you can leave home you will have the strength and determination to make a better life for yourself and your future children.  Please don't cut yourself - take up boxing classes - that's what I still do when I'm really angry.  You are only reinforcing other's feelings when you harm yourself.  You have enough people beating up on you, why are you joining the crowd?

[SammiRena]

Thanks, to the both of you. I'm happy you guys cared to reply at all. But thank you, so much. You don't realize how much hope you gave me..

[j17c27]

Well, you have a LOT on your shoulders for someone so young.  I know im not much older, but I am in a similar situation and I really feel for you because it is HARD. My dad is also abusive to my mom, and I dont know exactly how to deal with it but I can tell you this...make sure your little brother know that it is absolutly wrong for that to happen. There seems to be a lot of stress, fear, and unhappiness in your household..so make sure you show your little brother love, affection, and comfort.  Whether it be a hug once in a while, asking him how his day is, etc.  Since your parents are caught up in their own drama...even though this shouldnt exactly be your job...but you seem like the most stable person your brother can look up to.
It is good you can see that what is going on in your house is wrong.  And you are a VERY strong person for putting up with it.  I really reccomend therapy.  Therapists work with you to sort out your mind and help to build you up to be a stronger and happier person.  
Just by reading your post I can tell you are a strong person.  Often when people are depressed they feel disconnected, unimportant, and they feel weak.  But I promise you that because you are going through a hard time, you will grow up to be very strong.  I could be wrong but it seems like you have a ton of responsibility towards other people and not only for yourself (which can be hard to deal with at a young age).  Remember to do things for yourself.  The 1 thing that ALWAYS helps me is hanging out with friends.  I never talk to them about my depression, but if i am feeling down I go out with them and i always end up feeling better. Friends are SOOOOOO important. I cannot stress that enough.

As for the cutting...i know the feeling, I know it feels good and right but its not the way.  I used to cut myself and in the moment EVERYONE told me it was not the right choice but I didnt care and I did it anyway.  Well now that I am recovering from depression i am so mad that these scars are on my wrist.  All they do is remind me of those nights where I was crying so hard I couldnt breathe and i felt so hopeless.  They bring me back to a bad time, when all I want to do is move foward and be happy. These scars on my wrist are my biggest regret.  When you feel like cutting, try putting a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it a bunch of times.  It is a similar feeling but wont actually leave a mark.  Trust me, one day when you grow up to be a beautiful, happy, strong adult...you wont want those stupid lines etched into your skin.
If you ever want to talk or anything, feel free to message me. I am in a very similar situation as you and I am going to college next year so its my tester to see how i do OUT of this situation. Good luck to you!

[more0then0a0virus]

You are in a hard situation. And to feel so f*cked up is quite normal considering what you are going trough at home. Have you try talking to a social services or school pedagogue? They might give you some idea how to handle it.

I understand your concern about your brother. Many kids, who grow up in family where abusing is normal, become the same way. Have you told him what`s bothering you? Have you told him that you can`t take this shˇ*t at home any more? Have you told him you are worried about him? He is your older brother, and he should be helping you...

Some ppl hurt others when they are mad, and you do it to yourself. That`s better because you don`t harm anyone else. Anyway, you have to find a way to deal w/that. Situation is hard, and some experts are definitely needed here...

Best wishes... And good luck!