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What the **** am I doing?
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What the **** am I doing?

Ok. Blahblahblah. I'm depressed... Have been for a while.

So first to answer my question, here's my problem, and the context.

I think I first got drunk at around 14. Then at early 15 I smoked weed a half dozen times...

I know that's pretty young, and I feel ****** about it.

Now... This year I moved away from where I grew up. I now live 500+ miles away from where I was. Anyway. I got really depressed. Being isolated, without my freinds, it really hurt. Along with plenty of random life-stress. Especially my parents fighting and shcool work ect). And I had no way to cope or vent it. I started drinking 2-3 beers every now and then. (like once every week) I drank whatever I could get ahold of.

Then I started to get careless...
I stole liquor from many people, never missing a chance, never getting caught... It still wasn't much. But just thinking I'd do that... No... It gets worse. I also stole some weed from adult peers. (barely noticeable ammounts) But a little goes a long way for me. (lightweight)

so, Id get a buzz now and then every time I was feeling real low... Got hammered a few times just cause I was so sad. I had to do alot of socializing in this new town too... And what better way than to use what I had? Soon I'm downing stashed beers whenever my parents said we were going somewhere with people. Naturally I am very shy. And adults make me especially anxious. So, I told myself it was okay to do this because I needed to be at ease and get to know people. The thing is, this was true, and working! So I did it more!

My parents would go to alot of parties. (with alcohol) numerous times I'd get drunk right alongside them and their freinds, without them even knowing!
There's something wrong with that... I can't stop though. I cant put on a happy face around all these bastards sober! And I rarely have a choice not to be around said bastards.

So for about a year now I've been randomly getting drunk, just to deal with people... Not always... But I much prefer a buzz.

Soo... All in all. I feel bad. But I'm confused as to how bad I should feel.? Does it even matter?

Now here is something I'm even more ashamed of... The first time I ever did smoke weed, I made a sort of promise to myself. That I wouldn't ever do or even try, any sort of other drug.  Not even tobacco.

But here I technically broke that promise. Xanax. Yes the anti anxiety stuff. Don't get me wrong, I researched the **** out of it first, (not that it's any less wrong) but still... One day I popped a few of those pills...  Now this was how I wanted to feel! No depression, no social anxiety. Best **** ever.

I never took much. Just a little here and there for extreme social situations. The funny thing is how I actually almost need a prescription for this crap. For example...

I'm 16 now. But I decided to try to get ahead and get some collage credits (community). Afterall tuition is free somehow if your still in highschool... Anyway... On my first day I was so ******* freaked out.... Literally shaking in my chair. So... Yay for Xanax! 30 mins later I'm totally relaxed and concentrating. Talking to other students. Ect...

But wait... I shouldnt be doing this! This is ******* illegal!

As you can see.... I don't know what the **** I'm doing.... I like to think I'm in control and am moderate. But its sad to think I can't normally enjoy social situations without being on one thing or another...

So ya... How bad is all this? Should I stop? Am I ****** kid? I don't ******* know... I keep doing this and I know it's not good, any of it... And if I got caught? Well... I don't even know. What would happen? Would my parents get in trouble?

No seriously, what am I doing? Cause I don't really know...

Sorry for the grammar and coherency. I'm typing this on my iPod. And in general I'm also sorry... I'm typing this cause I don't really have anyone to turn too. ATM I'm hung over, finally realized I'm ****** up to some degree... Sorrrysorrysorry!
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Oh ya... Idk if it's related but I lost a bunch of weight somehow. Im 5'11 and only weigh 130.
You need to seek some help.  You have some anxiety problems and you recognize you have depression.  It's scary as hell, I'm sure, to think of doing this, but I don't know what else to tell you but to come clean.  Tell your parents you want them to hear you out before they say anything, that you realize what you did is wrong, and that you want some help and support from them and from a professional.  Tell them about your emotional struggles and how it has lead you to get drunk constantly, smoke weed, and to begin to use a Xanax prescription that's not yours because it seems to help (Side note: I hope you're not drinking and using Xanax together. DANGEROUS to mix meds and alcohol, especially psychiatric meds.).  Make sure you bring up that they're taking you into situations that don't help you any by bringing you around parties where you can easily get drunk without them noticing and such.

It will be scary, but it's what you need to do.  You need to reach out for help, and until you do, you're only going to keep sinking further.

Take care!
I had similar substance use patterns as a teen. I did not seek any treatment until I had a psychotic break in my early twenties after years of daily marijuana and alcohol use, and frequent cocaine use. Your use pattern will lead to this, if not harder drugs like crack and heroin. If you are taking community college classes at 16, I assume you are a very competent student with real potential, and I see this in your writing. I was the same way. My substance abuse led me to squander many educational opportunities. I did graduate from an elite university, but I underperformed and do not have much to show from it besides a degree. Don't let this be you. The drugs and alcohol will not help you find the fun or social fulfillment you are looking for. It will get in the way of it. I thought college would be all about drugs, alcohol and fun people. Instead it was just drugs and alcohol, with me sitting in a corner. Don't let this be you. You have issues with drugs and alcohol and probably underlying mental health issues. Seek treatment now. The sooner you get help and choose a better path for your life, the better off you will be. Good luck.
Ok, I just want to say that I like helping people. I'm not some doctor or even a nurse…I'm just a weird teenager. But, I agree with what everyone is saying. You really need to have a sober conversation with you parents about how you're feeling. I've been told depression is normal. It probably is in teenagers but who the **** really knows? But, something that is NOT okay and REALLY hit home with me is smoking. Idgaf what it is you are smoking, I just know it is wrong. Your damaging your lungs, bro! And on top of that you're drinking...at 16... Ok let me launch into a backstory now...I know someone who is 15, same as me, who is doing pretty much what you are doing and it is ruining his life. The worst part is he doesn't know it. He doesn't know anything! I wonder how he gets himself to school everyday. Dont be that kid who does crazy ****. It's not going to be worth it. If you ever need to talk, message me. -Angie  AND I was looking back over your post DO NOT mix alcohol and Xanax
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