from the outside, it looks like my life is great. im always smiling, laughing, cracking jokes, etc. i go to an amazing charter highschool, im fairly popular among the kids at my school. and very popular among the kids at my past school. i play sports and i love music and im into theatre.
ever since the end of last year, it seems like my life has been going down hill. i was kicked out of the school district so i wasnt able to attend the highschool ive been planning to go to for most of my life. instead, ive been forced to attend a school 15 miles away because its the only school that accepts me.... i do not sell or do drugs, drink alcohol, fight, or do any kinds of self harm and i did not do any of those things while attending my old middle school. i was simply kicked out because i apparently talked too much.
i remember the day i was kicked out. i cried so hard and ran away but eventually returned that night. i cried because i realized that everything i wanted out of life, everything i hoped for, and everything i loved was taken away from me. my friends mean everything to me. sports was my life. i wanted to be a Broadway actor, i was in choirs and bands and clubs. only bad thing about school is that i am a bad student. school just isnt my thing no matter how hard i try. i also always am somehow getting into trouble in class. no matter how well behaved i try to be, things just dont go my way in class.
every weekend i make all efforts to take the bus down to the city i grew up in, to visit my friends. i guess part of the reason i always go down there is to remember my whole life that i spent there. i realized that all i think about is going to school there, being there, living there, seeing my friends, and doing the things i love... there.
ever since, sleep has not favored me AT ALL. ive tried almost everything i can to fall asleep except sleeping pills. ive gone to doctors but they all say the same thing, "turn off computers, TVs, phones, etc an hour before going to bed" but i think its more to it than that. only one doctor suggested i might have some mild form of depression but we never looked into it. at home, my mom and sister and i are always arguing. i eventually just decided to block all the things they say out and ignore them by just saying "ok or alright" over and over. this year, school has been terrible. i started off strong but eventually i found myself missing alot of school mostly due to lack of sleep or being sick or feeling too down to go. im now missing school constantly and am getting kicked out of this school as well and might have to stay back. part of me doesnt care at all for some reason. i had everything going for me and now it feels like my life has turned to absolute ****. i loved the life i lived before and now it feels ruined. is that doctor right? am i possibly depressed? my story isnt as harsh or sad as some of the others but i just dont know how im feeling or what i should do.
I know how you feel.
I feel like everyone expects me to be perfect ALL the time, it makes me sad, suicidal thinking, ill, tired and mostly isolated and feeling unloyal.
I wish I had dreams like yours, acting huh? You will be great. I know so. I'm 15 and I am failing nearly everything. Just please don't do anything stupid like I do, you are still able to dig your way out. Don't be down here with me and everybody like me, you don't deserve it, you seem like a smart, kind and friendly person, those qualities are rare to find in people these days. Please tommy just get out while you can, and when you get out of that hole just run from it OK? you still have a chance.
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