Battling depression for years

[Gg12310]

I've always been an emotional kid. Now I'm 18 and still dealing with depression. I lost my longterm boyfriend of two years, and shortly after my grandmother passed away from cancer. Ive dealt with my pain in the past by cutting, bulemia, and anorexia. This time I turned to friends which at first was a good choice. But then I started to make horrible decision and wound up drunk at a 20 year old guys apartment that I didn't know.
I was really drunk and we ended up having sex. At first with a condom and then later took it off. I'm not the type of girl to hook up with random guys. I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself.
Now not only am I dealing with the grief and loss of losing my grandmother, ending things with my ex, but now Im extremely worried about possible stds.
It seems I can never make the right choice and my life is quickly falling apart one bad thing at a time.
If I find out I have an STD I don't think I will ever forgive myself. I will literally hate myself for making such a stupid decision. I'm so afraid to get tested because if anything comes out positive I have a strong feeling I will fall so deep into depression I will never get out of this mess.
I don't want to kill myself, but I'm finding it hard to be happpy. I know I could never do that to myself. I just wish i could go back in time.
I'm praying for a miracle.

[Gg12310]

Thank you so much. You make a lot of sense and it's good to know I'm not the only one. I really do want help and I'm going to get it.
I think I just need to focus on myself for a while because like you said I see things and interpret things differently and when people let me down I take it a lot harder than most would.
It's hard knowing that All the people in my life half like no idea how much I'm suffering.
I can't seem to find anyone I can fully trust without them letting me down completely. I'm beginning to have little to no faith in the people aroun me and I feel so negative about the world which is when I get the feeling of "I don't care what I do because it can't get worse" and then of course, it does.
I just want to get better. Through this I've also begged god for help and I just want to move past this and be happy all on my own without a guy and without seeing everything so negatively.
It gives me hope that you got through this. Thank you so much for your reply.

[mscynthia1969]

The risks are scary.  Honestly, you should check out Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Personality Disorder.  Don't let this recommendation scare you.  I'm not a doctor.  I am a person that has made similar decisions in my life and I learned the hard way.  I am a success story for the most part.  My depression started at 15.  I am a friendly person and have always thought the best of most people I met.  I find that I idealize people/men initially.  Later, when things don't work out, I either turned on myself or believe they are just a horrible person.  People are usually neither all bad or all good.  With BPD, borderline personality disorder, we have a black and white way of analizing ourselves and others.  We see them and us as all good or all bad.  Its a behavior that you can learn to minimize with therapy.  You are very critical of yourself and you need to give yourself a break.  I'm not saying to tell yourself that everything you do is okay, I'm saying that sometimes you have to be your own best friend.  Sometimes when others see you in a difficult situation, they back off. You and me would probably feel abandoned/ alone.  You're not.  As for the STDs, I can't tell you that you didn't get one but the chances are low.  You need to stop drinking the alcohol.  If that's going to be a problem, then you'll need to get help from AA or the Family Dr.  Don't be afraid to get help with this.  There are things that happen in our lives that we consistently continue to do, eventhough they are self distructive and definately not good for us, weither its men, alcohol, Drugs...etc.  It seems like you're not attracted to the ones that are good for you.  Alcohol affects the brain like a benzodiazapine.  This is a drug that effects the chemical balance of your brain in the area that's responsible for depression, anger, etc.  some people who are depressed, do what's called Self medicate.  They are addicted to drugs or Alcohol but they don't realize that they are using it to treat depression/anxiety/fear/feelings of being out of control.  If they are sad, some people drink because it changes how they feel.  but then, they feel like they need it to be normal.  Its really not difficult to become addicted to things that make you feel normal, even prescription medication.  The trick is learning what your behavior means, What has gone on in your life, how it affects you and how you preceived/look at things things.  Are you being negative?  Are you making assumption in how someone else is feeling without actually asking?  The way we look at things and how we feel has everything to do with our reality.  BPD people sometimes feel like people don't understand them, don't like them or are actively plotting against them.  I find that when I used to look at a situation I have a tendency to see it as a really big event.  to others who aren't BPD, it would hardly be a blip on their screen of life.  The cutting is not good.  I understand it too.  I did it as well.  I felt ashamed of it afterwards.  The theory behind it is that it manually releases certain brain chemicals that bring some relief during severe depression/anxiety.  Also, BPD folks then to feel responsible for everything, like they're bad and that its all their fault that they feel horrible.  Everyone makes bad decisions in life and everyone feels disappointed in themselves and expects to do better next time.  There has been many times that I felt so bad about doing something that I begged God to save me and I swear, I'll never do that again.  It happens.  Mistakes are necessary for learning.  learning to cope with dificult situations like the death of a loved one, the breakup of a relationship or even a bad grade is necessary.  You are just getting started.  I don't mean to scare you!  My effort is to ease your pain and let you know that there is an explanation, it's not a dead end, you have options.  You can not go back to how things used to be.  That's what they mean when they say, "you can never go home."  They don't really mean that you can't go back to the house you grew up in, it's that you have to continue to move forward.  Part of moving forwards is learning how to forgive yourself for your mistakes, love yourself any way and learn to be one of the few that don't continue to make these same mistakes that you spoke of for the rest of their lives.  The really great thing is that you have noticed that this cycle, the self distructive series of events, is not productive and that you do not want to continue to make the same mistakes.  You don't have too.  You make the decisions in your life.  I know sometimes it feels like your reacting to all of these things and that you have no control of in your life, you feel hopeless.  The cutting is a psychological attempt to exhibit some control in your life.  (If I can't control my life by making happy, I'll hurt myself before they hurt me.)  It really is a little twisted.  You and I aren't really thinking this in our head, probably, but that's partly what motivates us to cut.  You want control of your life and when you are hurting, you don't feel in control.  Psychologist (talk out problems) they help you connect your behaviors to things that have happened in your life and help you face them, deal with them and move forward in a healthy way.  Psychiatrist (prescribe medication for depression, anxiety,...etc) they help you medically when just talking isn't helping.  Sometimes, medication works differently for some people than it does for others.  This means that some medications work for you and some don't.  It's not uncommon to try several different medications before finding one that works.  Sometimes, your body gets used to the medication and it stops helping, then you have to change with the help of your doctor.  The trick is finding doctors that you like, trust, can rely on, who you feel care about you and stick with them.  Get with a Dr. and Stay with them. If they give you medications, TAKE them.  Don't fall into the trap of, "Oh, I feel much better now and I don't need them any more."  The reason you'll be feeling better, is because of the medication. That's how you know they're working.  Lots of people do this and the bad feelings always come back.  Also, anyone who tells you that they would not take medication for their issues have obviously never felt the way you have.  I can tell you that if you are cutting yourself then you need to see a doctor.  It does not mean that you're beyond help.  It's a cry for help.  Its your mind saying, " I am not coping, do something."  Life does not get easier.  we grow and learn to deal with the difficulties.  we are problem solvers.  If there were not problems, we would become board and we wouldn't grow.  Pain is necessary to grow.  I know that I have dropped a lot on you.  I have really done all those things in my teenage years.  Now I'm 41, I have a grown child and grandchildren.  I also have a 9 year old.  I knew for a long time that I needed help but I could not find someone at the time who could or would help.  I'm glad you say that you could never hurt yourself, that's a good sign.  Please talk with someone who can help you understand yourself and how to cope and adjust to life's demands.  Also, in my situation, these feeling would come and go like a big circle.  It always came back around and usually would be a deeper depression than the time before.  As I gained experience and got older, my life stabilized and so did my emotions.  Just try to look at things for exactly what they are, don't make excuses for people or put spins on things so they don't look so bad. Other people will be at different stages of maturity in their lives and they might not always be helpful to you at what every stage your in.  Love yourself.  Forgive yourself and find a Doctor.  Cynthia.

[Gg12310]

Thank you very much. I'm also sorry for your loss.
I'm doing my best and getting the help that I need. There are just times when talking to someone when you're alone really helps and it's so good to know people on here take time to talk to us. So thank you.

[free3667]

I'm so sorry for your losses. Its obvious very overwhelming to you. That is normal. Grieving is a process. There is no set time to get through it. Its okay to let out your emotions.  When someone is under stress or depression, we may not make the right decisions. Like so many young people, they turn to alcohol, or drugs. The cutting is your way of relieving the painful anxiety your feeling. I too once was a cutter after the death of my husband. So I know the relief it makes you feel.  The fact that you acknowledge you don't like the your behavior is the first step toward recovery. Have your physician recommend someone for mental help treatment. Behavioral therapy, antidepressants can get you back on the right track. As far as possible std's have a physical. It makes your anxiety worse by not knowing. And you may be completely healthy. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have a lot to deal with then most people your age. Losing people you are close too can be very devastating. The fact that you have been grieving awhile must mean these people meant alot to you. Sounds like you have a big heart. Todays medications can help you get through this rough period in your life. You don't have to stay on them a lifetime. But why not let it help you gain control back in your life. I wish the best. Its not a process that goes away overnight. So stick with. Time will heal all wounds.