I'll never be good enough, not really a question though

[Lily_Lark]

I'm a 15, almost 16, year old girl. My parents yell at me constantly, even over stupid things. I can't do anything right and it makes me sad. They make me sad. It gets to the point where all I want to do is cry and sleep. I had a dream recently that my mom got really mad at me in a store and took me in the dressing room and hit me. I'm scared they're going to hit me even though they've told me they'd never do that.. My brother and sister never get yelled at..my sister is the favorite one because she went into music (my parents are religious about music) and my brother is the perfect one because he went into computer science and never does anything wrong. I don't remember the last time anybody said anything bad about him. I really want to act, but my parents and sister are all "how are you going to make a living off that?" I don't know, but least I'll be out of this hell-hole. I thought about being a vet, but my mom doesn't think I could do it because I'm too emotional. Then a few months later when I asked her what I should do she told me to be a vet. My parents are such hypocrites! They yell at me for things and then they go do the exact same things! I hate being home when they're around. I can't do crap right. I'm a 4.0, top of my class, and taught myself geometry last year cause the "teacher" doesn't know crap. I wanted to kill myself from about November of last year to about April of this year. I tried to talk to my "friends" about it but all they did was change the subject and then talk about me behind my back. The only person who actually helped me was a guy I was crushing on but he ended up being a total jerk, so that's over. Now I'm depressed and suicidal again. I told my mom I was suicidal and she told me to "get over it" cause "life isn't always fun" I never want to be a mother because of her. I never want to become her and put my kids through hell. I believe it would be better if my kids stayed unborn. I have very low self esteem, I think I'm stupid, worthless, and should just freakin die already cause I'm wasting oxygen for the smart people. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I was taught that if you kill yourself you'll go to hell. I've looked up that question and found yes's and no's so I really don't want to take a chance and find out. I wish God would just end me already so I don't have to feel like crap. All this stress about being the perfect kid and all the yelling at me makes me want to die. I wish I would've never been born. Part of me wants to hold on til I go to college, become successful, and then never see them again, just to show them up. I guess I'm stuck here though anyway, thanks to my religion.

[bvblover152]

If you ever feel down or like ending your life, you can message me. I will always try to make you feel better. I'm used to feeling like this but I just think of those who love me and how I'm not alone. Next time you feel upset I would suggest listening to black veil brides, or some of blood on the dance floor's newer songs. They always make me feel better and now my life pretty much revolves around them. I also occasionally listen to sleeping with sirens, pierce the veil, suicide silence and many others, but I think 'you are the heart' by blood on the dance floor, 'ritual' by black veil brides, and 'savior' by black veil brides are the beat songs for you. (btw you are the heart is a sad song)

[arlandonbloom]

It really breaks my heart to hear about this pain that you are going through. I know where you are coming from though. I have a mom who is pretty much the same and she thought my dreams were worthless. But you have to remember, this is YOUR life. If you want to act, do it. There are TONS of careers that you could get into for that, and scholarships to very nice colleges that offer that and that will definitely help you get into the field you want to be. As a 15 year old girl, there are so many things that are stressing you out right now. You are barely a teenager, you are probably a freshman going to be sophomore and have your whole high school career ahead of you to make memories and tons of friends.  You are probably worried about getting a boyfriend or keeping a relationship going, keeping your grades up (You're a 4.0 student, I know how much stress that puts on you, but keep up the amazing work!) You are not a waste of oxygen on this planet and you have a lot to offer, you just haven't found out 100% what those things are yet. Life is about finding out what those things are, and to make memories along the way. I know that parents can be a pain sometimes, I am 20 years old, married and have a baby on the way and I am still stressing out about my mom being a pain in my butt. As you get older, you learn that you have to make your decisions for you, and no one else. Not even your family. I wanted to be a Neurologist when I was in high school (only because I felt like I had to impress my parents with being a doctor since that's what they wanted me to be) my freshman year in college I figured out that there's so much to live for, for myself. I changed my major to Psychology and when my mom found out, she thought I was an idiot because I didn't want to be what she wanted me to be, but in time she got over it. I know how hard it is to try to keep your family happy, and I know how hard it is to be called the "odd one" or "black sheep" of the family. But like I said before, this life is about YOU. You only get one shot so make it what you want. As for the suicidal thoughts I just hope that you take into consideration what I have told you. At age 16, I was also where you are at now and actually attempted suicide many times but found out that my life was actually amazing, I got into cheerleading and other extra curricular activities, made new friends and found what I liked. I suggest that to you. If your feelings and thoughts do not improve, I suggest seeing a specialist (psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, etc). Just remember that no matter what, you are never a waste of oxygen to this world and have so much to offer. But the only way to find out, is to live and the only way to live is to be happy with yourself and your decisions. Good luck hun, and if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.