I hate myself for being so afraid

[Lytyr]

So for years now, ever since high school started (I am 19 and in my first year at university), I have been extremely anxious, especially concerning women (and more recently my health).  I have always been too afraid to speak to attractive girls, too afraid to make any moves.  Obviously, this has lead to me not having much experience, except when a few girls were willing to take the more active role in the relationship.  Today, I find myself more and more aware of my silly fears, and I am doing my best to get over them - but it isn't working.  Today, for example, my current romantic interest was sick and couldn't go to class, so I wrote her a text message wishing her well, joking that she ought to remember to eat (she has some disorder that stops her from feeling hungry), and offering to get her anything she needed so that she didn't need to go outside and risk worsening her cold.  Her answer was entirely neutral ("thanks but I have everything I need, see you thursday" kind of thing), but I have been obsessing for the past hour about how I must have gone too far, how I must have sounded like a creep and how she will not want to speak to me anymore.

And I can't stand it!!  I KNOW it's all pointless, meaningless fear.  I KNOW it's a tiny, insignificant thing.  I KNOW that there is nothing that indicates I did anything wrong.  I KNOW there is no use in being worried about it; but no matter what I know, I feel like the world is collapsing, like this is just yet another entry in a long list of failures, I'm blushing and trembling and sweating, I can't concentrate, and I am already imagining all the various ways I will be shot down and will crawl away into my bed and cry.  I despise myself for this; I hate myself for not being able to just calm down, I hate myself for being such a coward, I hate myself for ruining my own whole life up to today, I hate myself for being unable to maintain basic or intimate relationships with people, I hate myself for worrying about petty little incidents.  I hate myself for being such an utter failure when it seems it would be so easy just to STOP.  If I could beat the crap out of myself, I would do it until I couldn't stand anymore.  I would scream at myself if it weren't for the fact that my roommate would probably call the psychiatric ward if I did.  I hate myself so much, I'm so angry with myself, that I can barely even taste the fear anymore - but it's still there, like an aftertaste.

I don't even know why I'm posting this.  I feel like nobody can help me; I want to just find a wide open field where I can scream and yell and smash myself to bits until I'm too tired to stay awake, and not risk anybody bothering me and coming to try to help me.  I guess I just want to know if anybody else knows the feeling, and if anybody has a clue what to do, besides the obvious ("calm down," "take it easy," yadda yadda yadda).

[DeadontheInside]

Take a look at this: http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html and it'll explain alot on why you feel the way you do.

Incase you didn't, you may be diagnosed with social anxiety disorder which can lead to depression therefore you should want to treat it as soon as possible by visiting a therapist or psychologist.

[April2]

A lot of this stems from a low self esteem. If you can try to work on liking yourself and accepting yourself first then you can make friends easier and not take things so personal. I know, easier said than done, right! Try to remember that we are ALL human with human frailties and faults, every single one of us. No one is perfect, not one. We all make mistakes, say stupid things, do stupid things. If you can remember that it will make it much easier for you to forgive yourself when you make a mistake. And that's what you have to do, forgive yourself and force yourself to move on. The more critical you are of yourself, the more nervous you will get which can make you make a lot more mistakes or certainly be aware of them more. You have to learn to shrug them off, laugh about them. Try to look at it from another person's view point. If you were the other person, would you think anything of a little mistake someone makes or would you overlook it, laugh if off and move on to something else and totally forget about it? Of course you would and so do others. They are not the ones beating you up, you are. You are your worst enemy. You have to learn to like and accept yourself and the more you do that the more confident you will become which will attract more people to you. That's the way it works. Just keep practicing the self acceptance and confidence until it becomes more natural. Fake it till you make it. Ever heard that expression? It really does work.
Also try some relaxation techniques, meditation, exercise, prayer, deep breathing. That will help a lot too.
Keep looking at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you're a good person and deserve the best. It may seem silly at first but do this every day until it becomes a habit.
Therapy can help with the anxiety, etc. too It's something to think about.

I hope any of this helps a little. You are not a terrible person. You are deserving of respect just like anyone else because we all are. There is only one of you, no one else is quite like you on this earth. You are unique and special. Don't be so hard on yourself. No one else would treat you as horribly as you do yourself. Remember that. Start being kinder to yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat any other human being, with kindness and respect. You deserve that just as much as anyone else. And the more you do that, the more freedom you will experience and the more peace. I wish you well. God bless you, sweetie. Take care of yourself,
In humble regard,
April