she told me she used to "cut herself"

[sassy312]

The other day my 16 year old daughter broke down in tears and told me that she used to cut herself. She is little overweight but she is absolutely gorgeous and she is the sweetest person that you could ever meet. She is always trying to help whoever she can and she always has a smile on her face, but im worried that it is just a cover up. Whenever someone compliments her she is always talks down to herself. She has absolutely no confidence in herself and she never has anything good to say about herself. She thinks that because she is a little overweight she will never find anyone.  What can i do to help her?

[depressed13]

hi i am 14 years old i dont cut myself but i know what she is going thru if you or her need to talk message me

[thatquietgirl]

The most important thing is not to overreact.  Show your concern and be there for her, for sure, but do not overreact.  (Not that I'm saying you are.  You sound like you are being a normal, concerned mother.)  She came to you because she's definitely in a time of need.  If you overreact, she might be afraid to tell you if anything else is bothering her.  Understand first and foremost that cutting is all about the endorphin release and is usually not a suicide attempt.  If she ever lapses back (Believe me, there will be times.  It's a hard habit to shake, but tell her if she ever feels like cutting, she should come ask you to sit and watch a movie--a funny movie, not something sad--or something.  Also tell her holding an ice cube even once it starts burning will help in getting rid of the urge without harming herself.), don't freak out at the sight of the fresh cuts.  You want her to come to you.

I think perhaps what could help her is to help her learn to love things about herself in her reflection.  Challenge her to pick out one feature about herself she likes each night and focus on that, whether it's her eyes, her smile, her hair--whatever it is, tell her to give it the appreciation it deserves.  You have to learn to love your body before you can really lose weight.  At least, that's been my experience.  I used to be in the same boat as she is.  Don't start throwing compliments at her because she'll possibly feel they're contrived, but if she puts particular effort into her looks one day, notice it.  Say she looks nice or something.  Simple but effective.

If she wants to lose weight, help her by keeping healthy snack alternatives in the house and buying fewer things that are junk food.  Remind her she doesn't have to cut out junk food completely from her diet (and remember, carbs are necessary if you exercise, whether walking or whatnot so your body builds muscle, not draw sugar from its muscles), but if she limits herself, she will still lose weight.  Don't buy sodas or other carbonated beverages.  Cutting out soda and exercising portion control with my food was the first thing I did, and I definitely started noticing differences--especially once I put in some exercise.

Offer to go on an hour-long walk every evening with her (or, if you are morning people, every morning).  Not only will it be a great way to burn some calories (especially as you build up stamina and can power walk) and is still something you can do fairly comfortably even in the upcoming summer months, but it will also provide some bonding time where you can be there for her and listen to her problems and just get to know each other.

And, of course, remind her you love her and think she is the most important person you know and that if she ever needs to talk, you will be there for her.  And if she takes you up on that, then be prepared to just listen unless she's actively seeking your advice.  Sometimes the best thing someone can offer is just that listening ear and a hug.

Best of luck to you and your daughter!

[grannienannie]

hello you should tell her never to feel that way about herself..it not about what you look like on the outside. its her heart that counts..tell her it dont matter big or small, tall or short..ugly or bueatiful...it dont matter as long as you have a giving and loving heart and it seems that she has all of that already...weight is not something that is permanant she can lose that anytime..and she is still young why would she mess up her skin with scars...by cutting herself...bueauty come from within..tell her she has a lot to offer for the right person..if he is looking at her heart not her weight..