what options are left

[montecarlo65]

My 16 year old daughter has been diagnosed with depression and the inability to handle change(can't remember the actual wording).  She was living with her father and his girlfriend (father is 47 and girlfriend is 27) and their new baby who is 8 months.  She is skipping school, however is very intelligent, easily could pass even though she has missed 158 classes since start of second semester in Feb 2011.  She is on an anti-depressant, has a weekly meeting with her counsellor, is under the care of a psychiatrist, however that is very sparodic due to the health care system.  She left her father's house and is currently living in a girls shelter, but she now suspects that she is pregnant, is due in court next week for shoplifting and I (her mother) live 5 hours away.  She has a sister that graduated from university and is working in another province, but her brother who struggles with the same issues (he is 22) works for his father and lives on his own, but has a drug problem.  The only thing that my daughter hasn't done is drugs,,,,she will drink, she smokes and she skips.  It doesn't seem to matter what we say or do.  I should also mention that the step sister (baby) almost died because the mother took drugs during the pregnancy and the childrens aid society is quite involved in the care of the infant.  The father, my ex, has little time as he has to be the sole responsible person for the baby, work and ensure that the mother attends her meetings and testing.  They also were doing family councelling, but this seems to have little effect on either my daughter or the girlfriend.  I work full time, look after my mother (88) and my elderly sister (69) lives with me, along with my boyfriend (52) and his son,(27).  She has a room here, but due to her inability to adapt well to change, moving her here is very difficult as she doesn't want to attend school as she knows no one.  I love her to pieces but am at a loss as to what to do next.  Is some sort of boot camp the answer?  She is very good at manipulating any situation and pretty much lies about everything to her father,,,,almost tells me too much information, but at least the lines of communication are there.

[looloo141]

Oh dear you are in quite a situation there! I don't see how being around her father and his girlfriend is doing much good, it sounds like their situation is very rocky and I can't see how this would help her fear of change..maybe she manipulates this situation too?

You sound like the most stable person around at the moment, although your hands are very full! Me personally from what you have said, I would move her back to you.. It seems to me the chances that she'd have to cope with the change would be less detrimental to her than the constant changes she is dealing with now..

it's a lot easier said than done, I realise that, but I think you are the person she needs right now, you sound like you could be the one to make her feel important, as by the sounds of things she's not top of the list with anyone else right now..

She would need all her care transferring to where you live, but I think its definitely possible and most certainly beneficial! I suppose the problem would be getting her to agree, but she doesn't know whats best for her, you do!

Maybe she just needs to talk, and find out for herself that the best thing would be for her to be back with you..are you able to communicate well with her? ask her what she wants, and how she plans to do it..she's 16 and possibly pregnant so she has put herself in a position of change..it sounds like she wants to be in control..give her some control, tell her she needs to think about all this seriously,not just the here and now..

I sympathise massively, nobody can really say what to do, this is such a private issue but I hope you can resolve things, it does seem that you are the one she needs hun..

Good luck!

[more0then0a0virus]

And she needs to know she is really important to you. You have to keep telling her that.

[more0then0a0virus]

Hi,

You are in really tough situation... I’m a problematic teen, so I can tell few things from my experience. And you can`t do anything if she is not ready to change herself. And that is really hard because when u r depressed nothing seems meaningful. She must be ready to say goodbye to old her and that is the hardest thing to do.  And that`s the biggest problem. If she find some faith in herself, then she could be better in cooperating w/doctors.

When someone constantly wants me to change, it`s just getting worse. I`m under pressure, feel like I`m a burden who can`t do anything right. Consequently,I have a need to run away from that person and reality even more by doing stupid things.  When my parents did that, we fight all the time. When they realized that, they changed approach by calmly telling me they care about me and just want me to BE HAPPY. It helped me a lot when we were talking about real life stories (e.g. about their friends who skipped classes, who drank, and were intelligent as I am and where they end up because of that – like bad finances situation or death) even though it was a little bit boring.

If you don`t do anything... It`s not good either.

Maybe you should talk to her seriously but like progressively and casual... Like suggestion. I mean, e.g. about skipping classes: you ask her like her friend, or better like you usually do, but without any prejudice: "What were you doing when you were skipping the class? Was it fun?" and then she answers... And you say: "Yeah, I understand you. I remember how school was to me when I was your age. But, you know, now, I see that if I have been skipping classes so much, I wouldn`t have had this opportunity to have a job, and that stuff" and then, before she answers, you change the subject and ask her about some detail from skipping class period. But to me sometimes that didn`t help so much because trying 4 future seems pointless when you are depressed. So, maybe she should solve her present problems, ant then these that affect the future.

Then you leave this subject for 2-3 weeks. You said you can`t adjust so... And then you ask her politely: "You haven`t been in school 4 a long time. I know that school is hard, and obligation we have to follow. I understand, so... But, are you aware you`ll need to repeat this year, if you don`t stop doing this? I mean, i know how scool can be a burden, but... I don`t know. I just think that it would be easier 4 u to go there, and do this. That way your education will last shorter... but I don`t know. I`m not telling you what to do. It`s your life. But I would like to help you somehow, but I don`t know how... What do you think?"

School can be really exhausting, believe me. Teens are judgmental and hate ppl who are not like them because they don`t understand that every person is different and have a right to be that way. And when you don`t know anyone, and don`t know how to make a contact, you`re under a lot of stress. Every day, and every moment while you are there. It`s like torturing. And, firstly, I manage to solve this, but not completely, and then when every day wasn`t completely misery, I could find some strength for trying about something else.  Only 2 persons from the class weren`t judging me and they wanted me to talk to them, but I didn`t want to. And once, 3 years ago, I decided to give them a chance. It was really hard, but progressively we started to hang out. For the first time after 4 years, somebody invited me to their birthday. It was 2 weeks ago.

When I started to hang out with them, sometimes somebody else came near us, and it wasn`t pleasant. I couldn`t even say a word. It took me 3 years to adjust... Now, they are some ppl who judge me, but I don`t even care anymore because I feel OK (most of the time) when i`m with these who don`t see me as a failure. I am different from them, I have different style of life and way of thinking, but I showed them I`m not as bad as everyone thought I am, so they accepted me and they appreciate my strength 4 being different. Sometimes I still feel like a failure comparing to them because they are happy and they enjoy life, and I`m not good at that but it`s still better then it used to be...

Alcohol just increases depression. When I was drinking almost every day, I didn`t even want to talk to anyone from my class because I felt I don`t belong there. And drugs… i`ve been using them 4 4 years but my parents still don`t know about this. Ability to manipulate and lie can be even stronger then you think.

I also skipped classes, I even adulterate excuses, and it was also easy 4 me to have good grades.  But if she has got good grades, that mean that she could change, somewhere deep inside she cares about herself (or she just does that she doesn`t have to listen to you). But either way, you just have to be patient and work with her.

You have to make her feel safe, try to stabilize your family relationships. She needs something stabile. She needs someone she can rely on whenever she needs to…  Ger behavior is her unconscious way of showing that something is wrong. That could be family instability…

I hope it`ll end well… I thing that this is not so helpful, but maybe it`ll help you to understand what your daughter is going trough, and then you`ll maybe find some solution...

P.S. I still often feel hopeless but that feeling is not intensive like it used to be and now it is mostly caused by many problems I`ve got w/drinking…  So I`m not the best example because I drink to find a strength to do what I should be doing (sweeping the floor, have good grades, go to school… )