Why is it wrong to cut yourself and why is it wrong to drink a lot if life is not worth living and your not worth saving?
I am a lost cause, I have no self-discipline. When I am motivated, I work really hard at school and home I take on lots of stupid things, then I think i burnout every once in a while.
Even when I am happy I wouldn't mind dying? When I am in a good mood I am overwhelmed by everything, colors are so beautiful and I am so inspired I can't even express it. The future seems so bright, I think I will be great and I am infinitely talented - I'm not. I'm just delusional.
As soon as I get the slightest bit weighed down by work, or someone says something negative my attitude changes. It used to change each term, but now it seems to change over a few weeks or days even. When I burn-out I just keep repeating a cycle of thoughts telling myself I am a waste of space. And I am, I have no self control, I don't bother to sleep some nights, then I sleep constantly, I drink without really needing it, I make to much noise in the early hours of the morning, I argue for fun, I do my work in the early hours or not at all. I am hopelessly obsessive sometimes, I have to spend 24 hours a day cleaning everything or I hyperventilate, or I become a workaholic - I have to be writing or I have panic attacks etc.
So why would it be wrong for me to cut myself? its a free country, no one knows about it and I don't care about myself, I am useless.
I thought about suicide, but then I thought if I am going to do that I might as well just go crazy and be reckless. I want to leave the country and travel as far away as I can. I might do this, just leave without planning, but leave a note, and starve to death or else hopefully it would know some sense into me.
Suicide is selfish, i know that, but I am a selfish person and even if people don't realize it, the world would be a slightly better place without people like me. I imagine all the people I meet would be better off if they hadn't met me, although I have been described as a positive person, god knows why.