Hey ladies! My h. and I have been married for 10 yrs and I'm wondering..for those of you married, does something weird happen in your marriage around the 10 year mark?I'm 33 years old, so not yet "middle age".We were so in love for many years, and we were friends-now, though, everything is changing. My sex drive is GONE(I do have 2 kids, 9 &3)-and we just seem to be growing apart.And the arguing--ugh.I was just hoping someone out there has experienced something similar. Does something happen to us hormonally, or what? Also, we've always been very stable, but we seem to be going through this weird cycle of being "separate". I don't want to keep growing further apart, but I don't like the idea of living a life of complacency, either. I feel like I'm living with a roommate who pays all the bills and I'm in charge of housekeeping! Just thinking that maybe someone knows if strange things occur around the 10 year mark. All advice welcome!! MH
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I, too, am 33 and DH & I have been married 8 yrs next month and I sometimes feel the same way. Kids have a way of doing this I think. I don't feel like DH and I have ANY time together anymore. We don't argue much or anything but a date once a month would be nice. Our sex life is gone also. I am too tired after taking care of kids all day (I have a 7yr old and a 14 month old). I think most marriages go thru this. Try and find a sitter and make some time for yourselves if you can. You may want to find someone who will keep the kiddies overnight. I wish I had someone who could do that for us but right now my baby is just too little and it makes everything VERY hard. I really hope it is just a little phase and I hope all works out. Good Luck to you and come here and talk whenever you need to.
It is funny that you mentioned this. I remember when my husband and I were engaged, my grandmother made a comment to me. She said that there are two times in a marriage when it is the most stressful. The seven year and ten year. I will give you the same advice that she gave me. Hang in there and you will make it. No marriage is perfect but hang in there. I am going on 11 years now and I can vouch for that. I can look back now and see in my life that that was true. My husband and I on our ten year anniversary got in the biggest fight and considered seperating, but we stuck it out and I love him more than ever. You will go trough a season in marriage where you don't won't to see him or be around him but it will pass. You have to want your marriage to work and love him even though you don't want to see him or having certain feelings toward him. That Honey is commitment and marriage. Now if he is beating you up or doing something wrong then that is another matter, but if not, you need to stick it out. I take marriage seriously. I hope you are not offended by what I said. That is my oppinion. I wish you well in your marriage. Suni
I was a wife for 8 yrs and went through almost the same thing, only difference was we had no children together just raised his daughter. I think alot of times in married life, we get so busy with work and raising kids we forget what it's like to communicate with our partner. My ex and i both know that is why our marriage failed and we regret it but have both moved on, at the same time we learned a valuable lesson from it. Best advice i can offer to you is make a date night with ur spouse and communicate openly and honestly your feelings to one another. Best of luck.
I don't know if it's normal but I know it happens to a lot of us. I've been married for 12 years now. I'm 37. We have an 8yr. Life gets so busy with kids, work, and everything else it's so easy to just "walk" through life. We were going through the exact same thing. My husband isn't a talker. I think that's just the way men are. I envy the women that have husbands that are talkers. I can tell you what's working for us. After I cried and yelled a lot. I'm a talker. :-) I asked him if he wanted to continue with the marriage. He said yes and so did I. We didn't have any marital problems other than the typical things married people fight about (money, getting home late, leaving the toilet seat up...you know). It would have been so stupid to tell people we split because we were bored. We argued because I thought he didn't understand how I felt about anything. He thought the same thing. He thought I didn't respect him and I thought he didn't respect me. He thought I didn't support him and I thought he didn't support me. We were totally in sync on how to raise our daughter and that was it.
This is what we did. We're still working on it.
Step #1 - Don't try to WIN an argument. I can't tell you how hard that was/is for me. Someone has to give in first. Be the first to give in. Doesn't have to be that way always. He'll see the effort.
Step #2 - Date night. Sounds corny but so what. Our date night is every Friday. We alternate planning. This week was my week to plan. Next week is his. We don't have to leave the house. Most weekends we don't leave the house. After our daughter goes to bed (9PM), the TV goes off and the conversation begins. Date night NEVER NEVER NEVER ends with an arguement!!!!
The sex drive comes back once you like your husband again. :)
Everyone has given such terrific advice. The Date Night advice with suggestions for a glass of wine and NOT seeing a movie were perfect. Not to mention the fact that you really DON'T have to leave the house. I have been married almost 18 years and am almost 36. Going out was hardly EVER an option for us and anytime we tried to spend alone at home was often interrupted by the kids. But we both understood taht this was the path that we both chose, and we both knew that ONE day they would be older, we would eventually get our moment. The ten year mark was tough.. along with others, and I know we'll probably have other tough times in the future, but for now, since the kids are older and we have a couple old enough to watch the others, we take FULL advantage and go out alone as often as humanly possible!. We just go back from an overnight stay at the Crowne Plaza. It was a work thing for him but we had a BLAST. Talked constantly and savored every moment.
Also the idea about letting him buy something.. I don't know why this perks men up, but it does. And notice that the one that posted that DID NOT say to buy him something but to LET HIM buy himslef something like a tool or whatever.. Men don't generally like the things we pick out for them, LOL, but they do feel guilty for spending the money since usually it's US women who are in charge of the accounts and paying the bills. So allowing them some guiltfree spending for themsleves on something as small as a new set of sockets or a drill really loosens them up.. And most importantly, TALK to him. Don't corner him, or blame him as this will only cause an argument and men get defensive at the drop of a hat. And if you are married to someone that isn't much of a talker then try to keep it brief and to the point. You may find that he is feeling EXACTLY how you are. He may be feeling neglected since you have to devote not only your time to the kids but your compassion to them as well and men really need that from their wives even if they don't ever say it or admit to it. They will actually be jealous of their own children.Afterall they are used to being taken care of, first my mom, then by wife, then kids come along and all of a sudden they are on their own. It can be tramatic but they won't ever admit to this because it makes them look like big babies.
One day at a time.. I don't know about you, but when I picture myself in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, he is there. I cannot imagine life without him. As long as you can say this about yourself then you should be fine.
Go plan a date and toss him 10 bucks, 50 bucks, whatever the budget will allow, and once you two are alone, the conversation will flow and hopefully you will get some things worked out. Good luck!
I've been with my partner for 11 Years ( we just got engaged )and when you have been with someone this long, you know the other person inside out and back to front! And lets face it, you begin to take each other for granted!
The relationship becomes comfy, like a pair of old slippers, the exciting passionate spark you once felt fizzled out with the arrival of the children.
In my experince it is so important to talk to each other. Does he feel the same way? have you even asked him?
You need to work through this together.
Sit down and discuss how you both feel and what you could do together to work through this rough patch because that is what it is, just a patch.
As long as you both still love each other you can make it work.
Sorry if this is the wrong forum but I was at a lowpoint and happened to just come across this when I googled on "seperation".
This is from a man's perspective. I've married to my wife 10 years and have 3 beautiful kids(Twins - 4 years, 2). I really don't know when but somehwhere midway we lost our connection and its been steadily downhill. There is no romance, passion or sex. I'm not much of a talker, maybe that doesn't help as well. Its come down to a lot of bickering in front of the kids. I really love my kids and don't want them to go through this. I'm considering seperation from my wife but always think about the impact it might have on the kids. I feel trapped. From being funny, jovial and one who used to love life, I've almost become introspective, very quite, dull. Kids are the only thing that keep me going but dread coming home in the evening as it will eventually lead to a fight on some issue or the other. Instead, how i would love to just hear "How was your day today?" and a gentle hug....Thats all I want.
First of all, WOW!! Few men come here and even fewer are so honest giving women the prospective of how you(men) may be feeling. Twins that are 4 and a 2 year old? No wonder you don't get a, "Hi honey, how was your day?" Not that I am making excuses for her, but that is a heavy load to bare. Agreed? Can I offer you what may very well be "Her prospective" for just a moment, having been there? I was a stay at home mom and he worked. We had 5 children in about 7 years. Well, to say that I was exhausted ALL of the time would be a severe understatement. And I was JEALOUS of him. He got to go OUT and associate with grown-ups everyday while I was changing diapers and playing Chutes and Ladders all day. So yes, jealous. To this day he will tell you that he would NEVER want to trade places with me. He was the lucky one. But this can take a severe toll on the marriage. The communication that is SO VITAL. You are "missing" what is now being given to your children. And I doubt that you would have that change. It is just part of the sacrifices that we all have to make for the little tricycle motors we bring into our lives.
You have got to talk to her. Show her this thread. Let her know how you are feeling. Tell her what you need and give her the opportunity to tell you what she needs. You may just find that you have more in common now than ever before!
And maybe seek some marriage counseling. Do everything you can to make it work before just tossing your family aside. Your wife needs you to be there for her as well. Seperation would mean that she would be faced with raising your children alone, with the exception of the the "weekend dad" visits. Is that really what you want? Isn't it worth doing everything you have to in order to make it work? Marriage is hard. Especially after kids. Reach out to your wife instead of turning your back. Be there for each other, and don't forget to ask her how her day was as well, and offer her that gentle hug. She probably needs it just as much as you do!
Good Luck and thanks again for the insight.
My husband and I will have been married for 11 years (Dec 31st) 2005. It seems that we may not make it there. He's told me he wanted to separate and that he's fallen out of love with me, but still loves me? We have three children (2) that are biologically his and my oldest froma previous relationship. It's a hard ordeal and I've been trying to make it work, but he's not giving me the beneift of the doubt that the marriage can be restored. He doesn't sleep at the home anymore and only comes home when he has too. When I've asked him if he thinks that we should get a divorce, he says NO that we just need "space', but during that time he's been sleeping and talking to another "woman". I had "cheated" on he first in the beginning of the marriage, but that was (7) almost 8 years ago and he's NEVER gonna let it go, so he feels that he reasonings now is "justifiable".
Thanks for allowing me to "VENT"
ditto to most of the replies you got here - good advices. I will emphasize that communication with each other is a huge must to successful marriage/partnership whether there are children involved or not. Mine is going on 15yrs, the last 2 being quite the eye opening healing period of those "rough spots". our "children" are the 4-legged type but every bit as much our family as any human child (except we could legally put ours in a cage if necessary :)- sorry had to say it. they are so spoiled they are like a demanding 3yr old constantly pulling at your leg. Anyways, a period came (i don't even really know when) but we stopped talking to one another. Like you say - we became just roomates. He sought out the computer, I sought out the dogs & tv. The more we didn't talk, the more another women at his work talked to him and GAVE HIM HER ADVICE and with alterier(sp?)motives. The closer they became and so an affair ensued. After it exposed its ugly head it forced us to talk, and ask why. I asked my mother "just how in the h___ do you make a marriage last 50yrs?" She replied that we had been together an awful long time, and thats all she said. hmmmmm. ok. so i pondered. i cried. i angered. all the emotions & revenge scenarios went thru my head. once that cleared i realized that i was also to blame for it happening because i had shut down too. i had turned a cold shoulder to him as well. i quit talking and even showing that i cared or was even a little bit concerned that he had a friend that was a women (i found out he would of liked a little jealousy!- they want to know you do care!)so after at that time 13 years, we found out things about ourselves we never even knew or realized. and we both decided yes we had been together and built a life & home together too much and too long to just let it go. i forgave him. He told her to hit the road. He understands that it will take a long time for trust to build up again. i forgave. i will never forget. but the longer you do not talk to each other, the more resentment builds over who is not doing whatever to help the other out, and the more you put space between you to where someone else can step in. so both need to work communication & some lovin (even if just a big cuddly hug) in and you both can make your marriage a blessing. When my man comes home from a long hard day of work, the first ones to him are our "children" (they are just smaller and faster) but when he sits on the steps to get doggy kissys and hugs from them, instead of feeling slighted & resentment that he didn't come kiss on me first, i take cue from them and go to him also, fitting in & put my arms around his neck/chest and tell him hi baby, how ya doing/how was yer day, kissy kissy face, and wiggle my butt tryin to shake my tail too! He has told me many times now, he WANTS to come home, he CAN'T WAIT to get home, because once again it now feels like home....
In 18 years, we have gone thru SO many stages as I'm sure you and your DH have. It happens. How can it not? We grow up, we mature, we have children, we work, we go thru deaths, hardships, finacial problems, Life! So of course the relationship will change. But I noticed that in your story you say that you DO give him what he needs, when you know he needs it, even if it isn't what you want to do at the moment. That is LOVE. That is what will keep your DH coming home to you each and every night. You have to not only have faith in your marriage that you have been building for years. But also Trust in you husband that what he says is true. That he would NEVER do that to you and your daughter. If he ever gives you a reason to believe that he can no longer be trusted, well, cross that bridge if and when you ever come to it. Worrying about the what if's will only create suspicion and doubt. It sounds like the two of you are just in a very comfortable stage in your marriage. And it sounds like the two of you are comfortable with this stage. Try not worry, but do say I love you. It takes no effort and can mean the difference between a good day and a bad day. Hope this is a GREAT Day!!
thank you guys for the "other" perspective and im sorry you had to go through that. that is my biggest fear (other than death) that my husband would seek out another woman. i guess in a sense it would be like death (of our marriage). we have been married 9 years and in the same routine as mentioned in the other posts. he works all day, i take care of our 4 yr old. when he walks in the door, we give a quick peck on the lips, i walk out to go to work for a few hours. when i come home, i want to be alone. i take a shower, and go watch some tv in our bedroom while he sits on the couch and watches tv. very little or no hugging, very little or no cuddling, no how was your day?, what are your plans?..just bickering and the ole roomate situation. weekend are not any better because either i am working sat. or he is. if neither of us are working, then we are running errands, working around the house, cleaning, whatever. nothing fun.
it didnt always used to be like this. we used to cuddle on the couch all the time. we said i love you all the time, i miss you, he'd give a call to see whats up, we'd do fun things together. i dont know where it all went or at what point we became roomates. we have been together for about 19 yrs so maybe thats it. we are totally comfortable and we also have a child that takes our time and attention. she comes first. however, we have lost each other in the process.
i know what everyone suggests works but im tired,he's tired and i personally dont want to have to work at it. i dont understand why the love and fun of a marriage cannot just happen naturally? why do people who are in love have to work at making it work? sometimes we'll try harder and its ok for a week or so but then falls back into the same ole routine.
my husband has reassured me many times (esp. at that time of the month when hormones are all over the place) that he has never cheated on me. he says he would never do that to me or our daughter. he also asks when would he have the time? he is very catholic and is against it. but ya never know when someone comes along and shows them the attention that you are not giving.
he just asked me the other night if we could cuddle in bed. he was saying how good it felt but ya know, i felt so crowded. his hands felt heavy wrapped around me, i felt trapped. i have my side of the bed, he has his. i tried to suck it up for as long as i could because i know we dont cuddle anymore and he needs it. its just a time when i dont want to cuddle. i do love hugs and touch from him but not at that particular time.
i am so afraid what was written in the above posts will happen to me. it happened to 2 of my close friends. same story. home life is so routine, no love, affection. wife at home taking care of the children and tired and grouchy, wants space when he gets home. he gets to know someone at work, they talk, go to lunch, he shares how bad his marriage is and its all downhill from there. personally, i would have to let the marriage go if it happened. i wish more men would put their energy into their marriage rather then putting their energy into another woman. well, same goes for woman who seek another man. in my eyes, the marriage has been tainted. its nothing you can take back. its done. i could not live with that thought on a daily basis. the posters who shared the other side of what can happen, i thank you.
you are so cute for responding when you are going through enough with your own family/sarah.
you are right about those 3 simple words. it would mean the world. we got in a rut and we need to get out. we are in the habit now of not saying i love you when before it would be second nature. it would turn his head all the way around, sit up and take notice if i said those words. sometimes though when things between us are not ok, i dont want to say it and have him think that all is well/ok.
i would never leave him (unless he was unfaithful or was abusive). i know he is "against" divorce but again, you are right in saying there are many stages we go through. i think we are just going through one of them now.
we are trying to make improvements in our house to sell it and move. he is doing it all on his own in what little time we have in a day. he works over 50 hrs at his job and i wanted out of here last year. im trying to be understanding. we have outgrown our home and we thought we would be out of here by the holidays but we will not. one of our bathrooms has been torn up since march and is still not near complete. that is putting a big stress on us because he is busting his @** to get projects done but its more than he can handle. it's all about working, projects, bills, LIFE. but all work no play makes....
i know it will get better because we still have love even if its not shown to each other as often we'd both like.
This all sounds all too familiar to me. After a few very volatile years (affairs, drinking, and general carousing - his at first then mine followed), we've reached a stalemate. We're here for the kids and that's pretty much it - but it's a long haul, they are still all under the age of 10.
What I'm finding these days however, is that while we no longer scream and fight - a good thing, we just don't communicate - not so good. There essentially is no us. We can talk about the kids, the house, and other things. But not us. The date thing only works when two people actually want to hang out together. I have found myself trying to avoid hanging out with him. It's just not fun. He's grumpy, mean spirited, self absorbed and often uses me for emotional target practice. I need this? - It took me a while to realize that I didn't need to be in this situation, so I just avoid it as much as I can. My plate is full - I work full time in a very demanding job, I try my best to be a good Mom, I have good friends. I just don't have a true love anymore.
I tell my friends that at this point I'm no longer interested in true love, I just want civility because this marriage is about five people and not just two. I believe this when I say it - but it's a lonely way to live.
In response to Dundee especially, sometimes you have to know when to say when. For 5 years I have considered leaving my husband and for 5 years he has always manipulated and made me feel guilty enough to stay. While the idea of staying together for the kids is a noble one, sometimes it is actually better for them. Do you want your children growing up in a marriage where there is no love? For those of you that live with your men just for the kids, do you want the kids to grow up thinking this is how married life is? I do not. I want my kids to grow up in a household where love is abundant. I want them to see how wonderful life is when you have married a man that respects and loves his wife. People change and sometimes need to move on. Don't short change the kids. There are plenty of men out there who will you and respect you they way that you should be loved. i have been married for almost 20 years, am in my forties and have 2 children. Their father has never hit them, but the emotional abuse has left scars on all of us. I have found a man that treats me how a woman shoould be treated, who loves and respects me. It is not too late for my children to learn that this is how a relationship should be. The divorce I am seeking is not only for me but also for them.
My 40 year old wife of 18 years has decided to file for divorce because she feels our marrage has lost it's romance and passion. She believes we've grown apart and might find more happiness with someone else. I had no idea the divorce papes were coming but after reading the responses I see we probably are where most of these families are. We have 3 kids that are involved in different activities and takes us in 3 different directions at once. When we are home there's no time for just the 2 of us. I believe that's why we she feels this way since we don't have free time for eachother. She feels we just coexist in the same house. Since our oldest is 16 and can drive I decided it's time for my wife and I to start "dating" again. We have done this for a month now (going to the movies and bowling) but she says she feels for like we're going out with a friend and not "lover". She has agreed to go to marrage counselling to see if it will help. I hope it will for the sake of our 3 kids and the 18 years we put into our life it helps. I love her just as much as the day I wed her and don't want a divorce.
I hope it works out for you sportsfan! I just wanted to add that kids would rather "Come from a broken home" than to "Live in a broken home". Staying for the sake of the kids is a HUGE mistake! It's dishonest and kids are a lot smarter than given credit for.
What do you do with the guy that doesn't talk at all, I really wish I knew. All the advice and such on here is fantastic, but what about that one special man out there, is totally quiet. Things come up that concern me or hurt me or anything, I talk about it to him, and he sits there and listens to me. Never with a comment or anything. Don't get me wrong, I believe he is listening, I don't think it's a matter of him just blindly staring at me, and spacing off. But he never thinks to say anything. He is so scared off by confrontation of any kind, no matter how I make it sound. But I can't just continue to ignore everything in life, just cause he doesn't like to discuss anything, can I? Sometimes, it even makes it worse, and I am positive you ladies on here, know exactly where i'm coming from. We talk to our partner, becuase we are needing reassurance or something, a comment that shows us that we don't need to be insecure or that everything is ok. But when he jsut sits there, than you feel really bad. I do not believe he is an insensitive man, and I believe he loves me, but he won't talk for anything. In fact, i can bring something up, talk about for a half an hour, he jsut sits there, and than when he does say something, it is completley a different subject. I think with his past and family and how he was raised, he developed a fear of confrontation, and has taught himself to ignore it, in orger to get through it or something, but he is not understanding that it is making it really hard on me. It's almost like he doesn't even know how to communicate. What do I do? When everything is going fine, you can't shut him up. If I get upset over something and need to talk, it's like he is scared, and won't say a word. Please help.
Sorry you post went unanswered for so long. It's way down here at the bottom and well, I just wanted you to know that while you are feeling ignored at home, people don't mean to ignore you here as well.
I suggest that you ask him point blank questions. About whatever the topic of conversation is.. I wouldn't say to ask him how he is "feeling" becasue men are just a totally different species from women and don't know how to answer that question. You ask "how are you "feeling"" and they are thinking... Um I FEEL hungry, or I FEEL like watching football. LOL
But you can try asking him how he thinks the two of you should handle whatever the "thing" on the table is.. You should also tell him how his silence bothers you. Ask him WHY is he like that? And if you are still not satisfied then you can suggest to him that you two seek relationship counseling. Heck the idea of that may even get him to talking just to avoid a prefessional. Men often try to find the easy way out and talking to you is easier than talking to a counselor.
Relationships last and are stronger when there is open communication. Without is, I just can't imagine.. But if you are sitting there telling him what is on his mind and he NEVER tell you when you are doing somehting that may bother him or annoy him or whatever then it is like being deceptive. No one is perfect and there have to be things that he would like to say and you NEED to hear. You can't grow together if you don't know what to work on. You can't get blood from a stone and you can't force him to talk, but let him know what his silence is doing to you. Maybe he will open up. I sure hope this helps and that the two of you are able to work this all out. Again, sorry it took so long to respond, just didn't see you down here.
It is such a relief to see others in my same situation. I am 32 and have been married for 10 years. I love my husband, but we just don't seem to get along much any more. We too, are constantly bickering and started taking jabs at each other more frequently. We have a 20 month old daughter who is the light of our life, but it seems like we just coexist as friends who pay the bills and raise our daughter together. I feel like we have lost the spark that kept the marriage exciting. I told my husband I was bored and he agreed, but stated he still loves me too.We've been feeling this way for a while, but things have gotten complicated because I have found myself attracted to another man (co-worker). He is married with children and I would never want to get in the way of someone's family, but I think of him often and find myself comparing him to my husband. I feel this is killing my marriage. Our sex-life has dwindled down although we do try to have one, and have discussed date nights, but it seems that we are so busy with other things that when we do go out, it is with other friends or family. Any suggestions?
Hello, I've married for 10 yrs but for the past year we don't sleep together; unless we want to have sex. But, we can go for weeks even months without sex. At the beginning I was sad, but I don't care much anymore. I try to have dates, go to movies, dinner but it just doesn't work. He is too tired, and fall asleep. At church people always tell me howso lucky I am to have a nice husband. But, he's cold doesn't buy me flowers. Once I felt at the grocery store with the our baby and he said "are you sick! now you are going to complaint about being in pain" He's very responsable and pay all the bills with an grumpy attitide. But, I feel that i depend on him for money what I make is not enough.
Ok I have to say this if you fell anywhere and at anytime and your husband does not respond with concern (especially if you are holding your baby!!) and doesn't give u help up, than he has got some major issues. A MAN takes care of his family that is his job just as it is your job to take care of your family. It is a two way street, if he is making you feel guilty cause he doesn't think you are making enough money then maybe he should pick up the slack and be thankful for what you do do! The flower's, thats a hard one, some men dont see how much it really means to a woman to bring her flowers to show her how much she means to him so thats kinda common. I have been together with my husband for 8 years and he has brought me flowers twice. Both times were random but they were very informative, it told me he cared and was thinking about me but two times in 8 years..... I'm thankful for what I get LOL!
In regards to the church people, remember they are only seeing the person he wants them to see not the person he shows you. You should make your own choices but just think if he is going to treat you that way what kind of example would he be setting for your child? Would your child see that as an acceptable behavior and treat others that way? Or would he treat your child that way as well?
I'm not trying to preach or anything but comming from a family where my father was emotionally and physically abusive (especially to my mom) its hard to hear and see of others being abused and not say something. There is no reason in the world to stay with a person who does not treat you with respect and considers you a burden. Sometimes you gotta cut your losses and strive for a brighter future. I did.
I am in the same boat! I have been married for 10 years and have a 19yr old (previous marriage) and a 9 yr old. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and that put a HUGE damper on our marriage from the 4th year when he started drinking until about the 7th when he stopped. While I am happy he stopped drinking - it seems some of my feelings died during that time. I still love him but I don't like him as much. Our sex life has dwindled(which he constantly reminds me of) and I seem to get on his nerves. I just want things to go back they way they were. I don't want to look at him and be disappointed and I don't want him to look at me and be frustrated.
He had a fund raiser event for his work on Saturday. Said he would be home around 10. Called at 10 to say he was staying a little longer didn't come home until 4:30. I had called the Police and hospitals for hours. He came home admitted that he had had too much to drink and didn't want to drive so he fell asleep in the car. His phone was on silent. This is part of the problem - I just don't trust him anymore and I have to admit I have lost respect for him. I love him and I want things to be good again but I'm not sure how do that. He usually pulls a huge pity trip and that doesn't help either. How can I tune out the things I don't like and just love him and how can I get him to do the same.
Today it is the 10th anniversary of our marriage as well. Unfortunately. I say unfortunately because I should have never stayed with this horrible, violent person this long. We have two kids and he has two more from his previous marriage. I am now pregnant again and he stopped talking to me for being pregnant. Apparently he does not want this baby yet he is not prepared to take any precautions either. He is already informed that due to the hormonal balance that I am suffering I did not want to take the pill, plus, I never said I did not want another baby either. So yes, since he learnt that I am pregnant he stopped talking to me and he is constantly shouting at the kids. Admitedly I dont feel anything towards him and hence, our sex life is mainly down the drain as well. I dont chase him for sex and that is his big problem. He constantly abuses me emotionally and physically. There has been times when he physicaly tried to restrain me and do what he wanted to me in bed. Or times when he hit me because I did not want to have sex with him. Two nights after this baby was conceived was a night when he hit me for not going to bed early to have sex with him as well. I had not said no but I was doing my work and I was late. I was not aware that he was lying in bed waiting and he felt it was ok to come and start a big fight and hit me for it. I am trying to save myself and my children from this mess. I am trying to finish my degree which will enable me to earn a living and take this kids out of this violent house. My elder one seems to be getting affected by it. I only have months left to finish. I can tell you I cannot wait! I am from a different country than my husband. I know I will face problems regarding taking kids there but I cannot stay here on my own. I am finding the life here very depressing. I dont know a single person because the more he abused me the more I tried to study not wasting a minute to save myself and my kids. I cannot decide whether to go ahead with this pregnancy. I love my kids although I hate their father. I am 37 at the moment. I am very confused and I am feeling deeply sad that it is ten years and I am still with him. I need to get out and I need to get out really fast. I wish I had never married him.
I've never been in ur situation but I am sorry that ur going thru this. I know ur probably hoping and maybe praying he stops and loves u like he should. I do not like hearing stories like urs because some men can be so evil, hateful and selfish that they could treat the person that loves them that way. He has to have low self-esteem and othere things going on with him.
HE'S GOING TO DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO STOP U FROM OBTAINING UR EDUCATION BECAUSE HE WANTS U TO DEPEND ON HIM. - DONT LET HIM TRAP U- LEAVE- But if u r thinking about how him - then STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW HE'S GONNA FEEL IF U LEAVE HIM- Time to make u and ur kids priorty. U should be thinking about U AND UR KIDS SAFETY- 1ST. It's easy 4 me to say leave now when he's away because i'm not in ur situation but in all actuality u've been taking his crap way 2 long. U will need to leave that home.-U AND UR KIDS will need to leave because that enviorment is not safe. (He should never physically or emotionally abuse u. Nothing u've done or will do/ can or hve said-should cause that. He's the one with the problem) U dont know if the next hit will be directed at ur kids or not. U dont want to take that chance.---
U can call the police - this will get very nasty when he finds out and he will get just what he's asking for because he should keep his hands to himself and they reason he may be so bold with doing it- is because he's getting away with it. See if they can give u a number to a WOMENS SHELTER- or CALL A LOCAL CHURCH IN AREA AND ASK IF THEY COULD GIVE U SOME INFORMATION- U MAY NOT EVEN WANT THEM TO KNOW ANY INFORMATION ABOUT U UNLESS THEY'RE SURE THEY CAN HELP U escape from the abuser. Look thru ur phone book when the abuser is not there. Make sure you have pleanty of time. Pack and go! Pack as few and most important things as possible and come back for the rest or u may not even want to come back for them.
do u have transportation? If not call a cab or even call the cops to escort u out of that house. I dont know what they can and cannot do. Does he have full control over ur finances? If not plan and use that money for ur advantage in escaping him- soon. Contact ur instructors and let them know briefly that ur going thru - a horrible situation at home and if they can give u some time -away from ur studies- extention until u get ur end more stable- or out of that house. I know u love ur kids and want what's best 4 them. They will be in a better place away from him cuz if he really love u all - he would show it. I really wish i could be more help to u- i'm gonna pray that everything works out 4 ur good. Hate theres nothing more i can do to help u. keep ur head up and try to think positive about ur outcome- because he will really get crazy when u confront him in any kind of way. with or away from him. I just couldnt leave without trying to help- take care of urself and ur kids... best wishes and my heart goes out 2 u.
I am married for 12 years, and recently went through that 10 year mark. My wife an I separated for a few months with a destination of divorce. We were going to marriage counseling throughout the separation, and it did help. Here are my suggestions on surviving. Some of it is my advice, some came from the counselor.
1. Make a date night. Its more important than most men think! It bring the woman back to feeling important. They feel equal to your job, not in competition with it! We used to say we couldn't afford to go out, now we say we cannot afford not to! It made the most difference!
2. Keep talking! I was told this when we got married, and I never forgot it. When you quit talking, its the beginning of the end! Its not the end, because you can always start talking again!
3. When you fight, its okay. Fighting is normal, unless your fighting to win! Avoid negative atacks on the other person! Its the #1 reason marriages fail! Say things like "I hear you saying..." or "I'm feeling ...", Not something like "You are..." or "I hate it when.." as those are not going to do anything positive for your future!
4. Try the book "101 Nights of Great Romance" by Laura Corn. Each person picks a romance and plans it for the week. They are fun and addicitive! Used in combination with a date night, they can be extreemly effective if both people try to do one every week or two. Wife and I would alternate!
5. Finally - "Love is a choice!", We are all raised to believe that when you feel something for another person, and when you no longer feel that way, the love is gone! This is such a fallacy! A perfect example is indian marriages. They are not based on the feelign of love, instead the two learn to find things they love about the other. This is a choice, not a feeling. Every day I get up and choose to love my wife. Some days are harder than others. When we were first dating, we did lots of things for each other. After we got married, much if not all of that stopped. It should not! If your not chasing, romancing, and loving your partner, then someone else will!
I am 37 , and today is our 15 year of marriage, I can say that you are somehow still lucky, for my 15 years of being married, never in my life we celebrated our anniversary, there's also a point in our marriage that he cheated on me, while pregnant to our 3rd child, ( we had 4 children now),that I don't know how it happened. Love come in and out maybe because love prevails in me, I love him this much that i saty with this relatonship until now, but sometime, when hearing this kind of stories, I somehow pitty myself for some of you guys have a ahppy and successful marriage, I think now what I am working is for my children instead, I know that it is stupid to stick together becasue of the children but I just dont know to myself, that I can still manage all this things, my husband seems to be someone who stay with me because he has too, I don;t know also if I can manage to do it myself alone raising my kids, I'm just afraid of how people might think, how my children would feel, having a broken family...this is STUPID & CRAZY...I know...but this is how I am feeling now, I tend to say to myself that this is enopugh and this should stop now, but afarid of the circumstances...please help me...
It's hard for women to make the decision to leave. I find myself going back and forth all the time. I'm 31 and will be married 10 years next month. We've been through so much already that I am constantly debating on whether I want another 10 years like this. On most days the answer is no. I am on a never ending roller coaster ride. We fight all the time, mostly in front of the kids. I just get so angry and I'm so fed up with him. I don't know if I like him anymore. I just would feel rotten to leave him because I can't work it out. He's a nice guy but he just doesn't have it together. He's very sloppy, has no standards, quick to anger, curses a lot, is financially irresponsible... I just don't like his overall behavior. I am constantly dissapointed in him. He doesnt drink or cheat or is abusive but all I know is that he had a very difficult childhood that probably did this to him. Unfortunately we got married when we were both really young and in school so I had no idea what real life would be like with him. I am constantly feeling out of control and we are not on the same page when it comes to mostly anything. We don't agree on anything from the kids to money to just plain life and living! It's so hard...we don't want to rock the boat but we so desperately want to jump ship!!! Help!
I've been married for 11 years. I got married later than most at 37. All I can say is we have a wonderful relationship that changes, but gets closer. My wife can be a total wingnut at times, but I just give her space and hope she forgives me for my shortcomings. You HAVE to embrace changes in a marriage.You need to do a lot more than "date night" to keep a marriage solid. You need to share leisure activities, especially those that involve some kind of challenges that you jointly overcome. And, oh yeah, DON'T GET FAT. Exercise every day and don't be a freaking baby about it. If you feel good about yourself, people are attracted to you, especially your spouse. You better have a seriously good reason not to exercise, so go do it now.
I have been feeling really sad lately and I don't know what to do to make things better. I feel like we are in a rut. My husband and I have generally had a good relationship. We love each other and have appreciated the qualities in each other. We have had our ups and downs over the years and all, but lately, it feels like we aren't as close and things are more fragile than they have been.
He is angered easily and more sensative than usual. I feel like he would just get upset (and he does) if I really talk to him about how I feel. If I do plan a date night, (which we haven't had in a while), he complains about spending the money and seems inconvienced. We almost never have a deep meaningful conversation about us. Every night he turns on the TV in our bedroom. I hate that. That time is the only time we have without the interuption of children. If I try to talk about my day and ask about his, I am annoying him because he wants to "de-stress" and just watch Seinfeld or something. Is it the job, me or both?
Sometimes I wonder why I am even here. I feel like he doesn't need me except to take care of the house and kids. He has a good job, but is always stressed out and working long hours. I have this need for conversation and affection. I try to ignore it and cater to his feelings. I know he is a good man and he works so hard to support us. It leaves me feeling so empty and lonely though. I ache for closeness.
Our 10th Wedding Anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks. It's the first big milestone anniversary and we used to dream about how we would celebrate. I really, really wanted it to be special and fun...a time just for us. He used to be so romantic...especially when we were dating. I am so hurt. When I tried to talk about doing something special, like an overnight at a Bed & Breakfast, he got really angry, annoyed that I wanted to spend money. I don't need anything expensive. I just wanted to make this something really romantic and special. The fact that he doesn't, hurts my heart so deeply. It tells me it just isn't important to him. He spends money on things that are important to him. Am I being selfish? Is it not a big deal? Should I just get him a card and gift and not be upset? What should I do? I know he loves me, but how can we be close again?
Ive been married 9 yrs and feel so alone in bed and in my own home I've been told to f off lots of times my wife is so rude with her word I cry in side but I won't let her see it all I ask of her is to kiss me hug me and comfort me I work so hard for love but it never comes I remember my moms love for me it was so real now it's just hate toward me I don't now what I did wrong for her to hate me so much ????? Can't stand it any more :( I love my baby boy and I will miss him when l leave her I need my balls back I feel weak before I met her I was strong confident even good looking what has happen to me ??
I'm going through the same thing. Four kids coming into our tenth year. There are at least two times this year I know we stayed only because of the children. We are Christisn and totally committed. It's just so hard. I don't talk to anyone for fear of alienating my husband from my family. And that leaves me feeling so alone. Marriage is work. It's a choice. This is something that I know. But I too want know if its normal to feel like the only way to make it through, is by making choice. Why does it feel like the caring and respect is gone. I know we have love. But is that enough?
WOW! im sock to see how many coubles out there are experiences the same think. I been married for 3yrs but i have been with my husband since i was 15 1/2. We had 3 children in the way a few business have not worked but we have always find a way to get back on our feet. However in the past year. I been having problems with his family mother sister brother he dosent have a father but a stepfather that acts like a child. Im ready to walk away from him because of his sister in pategiler. Shes got pregnant and had her baby shes 19yrs. And could it be jelouse i dont know i dont fell that way.However its refresh my mine on how horrible his mother and his stepfather tread me when i had my fist child. I was 18 by the way and they or my family didnt help me i was out in the cold like a dog. Because he didnt want to be a man so i had to figuer it out on my own for the first 1yr. He asked for forgiveness and i agred to make a life with him because of my daugther not because i was in love with him. But there was condisitions that he would work hard no more parting and no more friends or girls that he knew of.We moved away from the area we were raised and started fresh. Well eveything was fine I have done many good things for his family. Never for mine and know that hes sister needs it for some reason i refuse to give it to her. And this is making him have anger and see me different from what im really about. How can i make my marriage work if i dont want nothing to do with his family.
Life is to short to be always looking back and wishing and wondering if i would of.... But whatever you decide make sure you are ready for the consequences that come with otherwise dont do it. Because you would look like a fool.
Hi I read the comments and good advice everyone gave sounds good I'm not sure how to put it in practice
I've been married for 9 years coming onto 10 soon
I have three beautiful girls age 1 and 2 and 4
I am completely full time mother and resent the fact I sometimes don't even get the chance to brush my teeth until 5pm not often but sometimes it's so hectic my husband thinks he plays his part but I don't think it's enough on top of that he controls the finances completely wants to control me and the children
They are young but he picks on the littlest thing why this is not don't and that is not done he uses them as an excuse to argue with me and keep me completely at home 7 days a week
I had an arranged marriage and it did not start off well at the beginnig with the in laws we had our many differences I still carried on because I thought he was a nice person
I lived with him and his family and the sister in law and family it was meant to be the Walton's one big happy family but I was the outsider because my other sister in law was his cousin
Anyway I got thrown out of their house I bought my own place and he came to me leaving me in a pedestal whilst he went to Pakistan to try some business ventures on his own eventually that did not work and he came back
He was a mummy's boy and they did not want him to have children they preferred me out. I don't know why and how fate kept us together after 5 years I had a baby girl with a lot of persuasion
She was the best thing in both of our lives and bonded us a little more
I then decided to have another and found it very hard with the second pregnancy and a toddler isoon realized how hard it was. Anyway I wanted her out quickly and just move on. I worked very hard in getting back in shape and in 12 weeks I lost 2.5 stones I was 8 stones 13 lb before I was 11 after pregnancy ur was really hard to do that but I worked out at home I needed to do it for my sanity
However fate playing with me I was pregnant with my third unbeknown to me I had straight after I was very sad
Three children three and under is hard to look after he helped at the beginning and I lost my weight again I did my sanity work out
After that things got worse for us my inlaws interfered again they don't like me cis I'm independent they are like him forever trying to control us
If we went out y did u
Come and see us how can u eat out without them
U should we go out always wanting to know our every step
At one point it was even y was he spending time at home what ate u doing u should be spending tone with us
It's all there.
Money was and has always been an issue he is tight fisted bills are paid and mortgage he just started paying after 8 years because the house was in my name I paid it
Even after leaving my job as a solicitor when my first child was born I continued to work a little selling on internet sites to bring me small income I paid bills but when I was in hospital in labour those periods were hard and I would get in debt
I helped my husband out In trying to set up a business which didn't work out we bought a big commercial building and I borrowed a lot of money from lots of friends and family
150k all had to be paid back and we did it in 4 years I penny pinched I bought nothing and survived on pennies
I worked hard and paid each person off in turn
75k was owed to my mum which I could not pay back do I have her half the share of the building in the end he did not care to pay anyone off but I pushed him so much that he did do it but with lots of arguments
But the debts owes to people did not help our relationship either
Now we are almost debt free
The building is bringing rent three years later if 5k per term so we should be ok but we argue every two weeks urs like a pattern has been set
Plus I resent him so much now
Firstly I seen his true character as a person who he is with money then he still puts his family first my feelings don't count
I feel disrespected i frel after all I did for him he still does not value me
We are trapped financially and children
We both live them so much
Financially it's very sticky
I have continued to stick with him but the love has gone and he knows that I have said it to him
I dont want the children to be without farther
I don't want to trying them up on my own it's very hard
I don't want to jump into another relationship straightway I have three young girls it's very hard
I have no family support everyone is busy in their lives
I have no friends my husband made sure of that
I can live with him but I won't put up with any crap any more I want it in my terms which is causing major stress to him because he is not used to that
Can the spark come back
I wouldn't mind if it did
Can we survive?
Does anyone want to give me sound advice
Thank you guys so much for your posts! My husband and I will be married 10 years in July and seriously right now we are having a difficult time• Knowing we are not alone is helpful• Finding out that years 7 and 10 are the "hard ones" sheds light on year 7! I believe whole heartily in the commitment I made in our vows but boy is it trying at this point• Sometimes just knowing your not alone really is all the help you need• Thank you :)
This is tough to sit back and see so many people with the same issue and no one can really put a finger on it. I am in the midst with every post that I have read... I started a relationship with a young lady from high school we dated for about three years and then married. After two years had our first child and now we have a four year old. Honestly, I love to talk but by the time I get home from work my lips are tight. This comes from having no down time for me. My souse has moved from two jobs to house wife. While I appreciate knowing my daughter is safe my income is not substantial enough to provide the same level of support I could while in the military. Men generally clam up when there is a problem they cannot solve and while it is a good idea to have a discussion to bounce ideas off each other if your significant other seems to be retreating a word of encouragement or an offer to help may actually push him further away. We all deal with things differently but honestly no one with credit willingly does not pay. Try to dwell on the things you loved about your mate during that lovey dovey period. It is easy to walk away but the issues that one failed to address in one relationship will be addressed in another. I am not sure of your personal beliefs so I will put it like so....
The woman is generally given away by the father meaning that daddy's little girl is in someone's else hands to be cared for. While as a man this is great because of course we are thinking cool a new friend. Whatever the change is for either party if you as a daughter loved your spouse who cares for you like the father you left this conversation would be pointless. Thus I am sure if this person saw you as his own daughter and the funds were available he would cover without argument...
Men are taught to stop crying and not to tell if there is pain so generally we die early due to stress... Women generally, talk to there friends or blog to get things off their chest.
While I cannot say which is right or wrong I would dare say your spouse is hurt and because of that it may appear he does not have any concern as to your feelings. Nature makes us care so we fight to hide those feelings because as a man we are not suppose to hurt... Or at least that is what we are taught.
If YOU want your relationship to work treat your spouse like you do your best girlfriend or co-worker....You may raise you voice at either of these parties but we are inclined to still show respect to people we do not know. Start there and try to think of all the little things that your spouse appreciated when you were dating.
I too am struggling in my marriage and my seventh year is 9/1 and it is difficult but as a male we are looking for respect first no matter what . Respect = Love in a mans eye. so FYI the words I love you are little consolation to being shown respect. I hope this is helpful and not just some rant.
Hello - I need some help - I really love my wife, we have been married 10 years. Since we had the kids her attitude towards me has been very short tempered and at the time someone suggested she take medication - being British I stupidly said "we don't do that kind of thing" - mistake!
She puts me down in public, she has cut off all my pre-marriage friends. She speaks only Spanish with her mother at the weekend - yes - we have a weekend place where her mother and new husband come EVERY weekend.
I have tried to stop her shouting at me or blaming me for the smallest things.
We have three beautiful kids (8, 6 girls, 3 boy). My wife and I run so much business stuff - like I have a full time professional job, she is a Real Estate Broker and General Contractor and we own 32 properties, 23 homes and recently a 100 acre ranch. She befriended the electrician at the ranch such that he is with my kids all summer and I was not allowed to go after work. Clearly we need to simplify our life. She filed divorce Aug 5th and we are trying to set up temp orders so she will agree to marriage counseling - I found this set of stories very interesting. I really want to do my best to save our marriage and see if we can find the happiness we once had for a wonderful loving family. I know I have to make major changes. We do now have a full time nanny and I am trying to find a cleaner for the ranch so when we leave Sunday, my wife and mother-in-law are not cleaning all Sunday.
Any help guidance greatly appreciated.
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