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How to let go and get my old heart back
I am 46, well educated, professional and divorced for almost 2 years now. I was married unhappily for 20 years, stayed for my kids to get older. I never believed in love and was never in love; marriage was just for having a partner, a good friend,. My father left us when I was 6 months old and never was part of our lives, so you can understand.
We agreed with my ex husband to separate when kids are grown, we did. I worked hard to keep myself num all the time and not to feel, and see any love even around me.
Well, until, one day after divorce, I met someone special.
He was single for 20 years dating every 6 weeks a new women, just for fun. He stayed with me for 1.5 years but we had rough relationship, he always told me it is because we come from 2 different world. Recently again after 3 times , he broke up and said that he is tried of arguments and wants to find a women/a mate , as partner , he would not care for love anymore. He told me that it would be better for me too, since I was always hurt with his verbal abuse. He had bad temper, argued and yelled while I was completely quiet so he could cool down.
Now , my heart is so empty, feel like , I have no soul , I do not know how to get over it , constantly keep myself busy but it does not work . How can I convince myself deeply that it
We agreed with my ex husband to separate when kids are grown, we did. I worked hard to keep myself num all the time and not to feel, and see any love even around me.
Well, until, one day after divorce, I met someone special.
He was single for 20 years dating every 6 weeks a new women, just for fun. He stayed with me for 1.5 years but we had rough relationship, he always told me it is because we come from 2 different world. Recently again after 3 times , he broke up and said that he is tried of arguments and wants to find a women/a mate , as partner , he would not care for love anymore. He told me that it would be better for me too, since I was always hurt with his verbal abuse. He had bad temper, argued and yelled while I was completely quiet so he could cool down.
Now , my heart is so empty, feel like , I have no soul , I do not know how to get over it , constantly keep myself busy but it does not work . How can I convince myself deeply that it
Hi all,
Just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate your kind words. Hope you believe me , I think I have read each of your notes at least 10 times, everyday, every moment that I get sad , I remind myself of your advice because it made sense to me.
One thing that hurts me most, still, is how I used to be before this man, very strong emotionally and physically, wouldn't fall for anyone. He told me several times that it took him a lot of effort to see me change(soften =dumb) , and I guess that
Just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate your kind words. Hope you believe me , I think I have read each of your notes at least 10 times, everyday, every moment that I get sad , I remind myself of your advice because it made sense to me.
One thing that hurts me most, still, is how I used to be before this man, very strong emotionally and physically, wouldn't fall for anyone. He told me several times that it took him a lot of effort to see me change(soften =dumb) , and I guess that
I was married 3 times..im 40 yrs old,with kids.i always thought i had to have someone in my life,and always usually ended up with an abusive partner !! and when a genuinally good man came along i ruiend it by not wanting him to be nice and of course he left !! i wasnt used to nice..i was always told..the right guy will come along when you least expect it,i always thought that was not going to happen !! i went on the dating web sites,and theres alot of loosers and idiots on there..but i did it anyway..i didnt know how to be on my own but i knew i had to try..i started getting used to it,and over the years learned i didnt need a bad man in my life,last year i did met a nice man,never married with no kids and we have been together for 1 and 1/2 years..its ok to be on your own you will meet some one,but only when the time is right.it took me 3 marriages and alot of hurt till this man..and i can tell you if this doesnt work out i will learn to be happy with being on my own..good luck to you..i am new to this web site and came on after an operation last week and am finding the women on here are a tower of strength and support to all of us..
First of all - you don't need a man to make you feel complete. The right one will come along. Don't rush it. Enjoy your new found freedom!! You will get better, just take time. Go do things for yourself. Enjoy life for you. Don't live your life worried about getting a man. A good man will come a long when ya least expect it. Maybe at the grocery store. Ya never know! Pamper yourself! Go shopping, get your nails done, go with friends and have a drink.
i so understand. i too was in a relationship where i was treated like ****. i was the last thing he had time for, and the more he withdrew the more i wanted it. i agree with what has been said. we have to heal first to have a relationship that is healthy and true. know you are worth loving and when you are healthy and strong enough it just might be there! remember that song from charlotts web, chin up? well that is what you need. to learn you are worthy, wonderful, and deserving of love. when you love yourself and find that a man isnt going to fill that void, but be an added bonus-you will be ready for that kind of commitment.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think when we get obsessive over someone after a breakup it is more often about wanting to be proven right than it is about love (or even affection), or else about wanting something we dreamed was there but really wasn't ever there at all, and we are mourning the loss of the dream not the loss of the jerk.
Your hurt heart won't heal overnight from a 20 year mess, and it won't heal with a new man either. It has to heal from within, as you find joys in life and they knit it back together, little bit by little bit. Because your time of pain was so long, I go along with the recommendation to go to a counselor to help you work through: the betrayal by your father and the decisions you came to because he wasn't there for you; the continuing pain of your marriage and the decisions you came to there; and last (and least) this stupid guy. Of course you numbed yourself, how else were you going to cope? But you are still, now, today, young enough to get happiness in your life. It will take some work, which is why I concur strongly with the point about getting a good counselor. Even being willing to trust that one might help will be a brave little step in the right direction.
In the meantime, think of other things that make you happy. Peace and quiet? Church? Cats? Trips? Concentrate on putting more of those in your life. Especially, the really small joys: those you can do, and you can trust. I sometimes get more peace and love out of the contented look on my little cat's face when I am petting her than I get out of a whole day of family or good works. Build on each joy. Go to bed saying "That was sweet." It will build the stairsteps to climb to get to the counselor or to get to the point where something else works.
Good luck, honey. All is not lost, you can get happiness. Write off the stupid-ass man as a bad experiment, and take care of yourself, thinking only of you. Start small, and pat yourself on the back a LOT for each moment of contentment. We'll all be rooting for you here.
Annie
Your hurt heart won't heal overnight from a 20 year mess, and it won't heal with a new man either. It has to heal from within, as you find joys in life and they knit it back together, little bit by little bit. Because your time of pain was so long, I go along with the recommendation to go to a counselor to help you work through: the betrayal by your father and the decisions you came to because he wasn't there for you; the continuing pain of your marriage and the decisions you came to there; and last (and least) this stupid guy. Of course you numbed yourself, how else were you going to cope? But you are still, now, today, young enough to get happiness in your life. It will take some work, which is why I concur strongly with the point about getting a good counselor. Even being willing to trust that one might help will be a brave little step in the right direction.
In the meantime, think of other things that make you happy. Peace and quiet? Church? Cats? Trips? Concentrate on putting more of those in your life. Especially, the really small joys: those you can do, and you can trust. I sometimes get more peace and love out of the contented look on my little cat's face when I am petting her than I get out of a whole day of family or good works. Build on each joy. Go to bed saying "That was sweet." It will build the stairsteps to climb to get to the counselor or to get to the point where something else works.
Good luck, honey. All is not lost, you can get happiness. Write off the stupid-ass man as a bad experiment, and take care of yourself, thinking only of you. Start small, and pat yourself on the back a LOT for each moment of contentment. We'll all be rooting for you here.
Annie
Either that or I should write country and western songs, huh??!!
I think we've all fallen for that guy at one time or another, right? In our weaker moments! But never again!!!! (oh I was a teacher for many years, lots of daily drama!!)
I think we've all fallen for that guy at one time or another, right? In our weaker moments! But never again!!!! (oh I was a teacher for many years, lots of daily drama!!)
Wow Katie I think you hit the nail on the head.
I was once in a bad relationship like this lady is talking about and I could hear what you were saying thru MY mistakes as well.
Ever thought about becoming a counselor? sheesh
I was once in a bad relationship like this lady is talking about and I could hear what you were saying thru MY mistakes as well.
Ever thought about becoming a counselor? sheesh
Read over what you wrote.
You picked a man who "for 20 years was dating every 6 weeks a new women, just for fun". (not a very good candidate to begin with! But you were going to fix him and make him nice, right?)
You had a "rough relationship" and you broke up several times. He was verbally abusive and had a bad temper. You had to stay "completely quiet so he could cool down".
This guy was NOT special. You made him up to be special, in your mind, because that's what you wanted to do, and you thought that is all you deserved. It was your choice .... you picked him. No one made you pair up with him.
Now "your heart is empty", probably because the drama is over. You "don't know how to get over" it. What is there to get over? It was horrible! I am so glad that you got out at all!
You don't WANT to go back to how you were. Yes, you are right,
you didn't want love, because you think you are not good enough to deserve it. You must work on yourself before venturing into another relationship.
You wanted the pain... it made you feel like you were alive...you sought it out, by choosing a terrible man.
Woman, who feel good about themselves, would RUN from a man like that! He could sense that he could control you. Plus he knows what women want to hear, and he plays them.
Did you have an abusive childhood? You would benefit from some professional counselling, it can really help a lot.
You be nice to yourself for a while! I agree with the other poster, you don't need a man to make yourself feel whole. Find out what a nice time you can have on your own! Feel good about yourself, and when you do, you will attract the right person!
Good luck.
You picked a man who "for 20 years was dating every 6 weeks a new women, just for fun". (not a very good candidate to begin with! But you were going to fix him and make him nice, right?)
You had a "rough relationship" and you broke up several times. He was verbally abusive and had a bad temper. You had to stay "completely quiet so he could cool down".
This guy was NOT special. You made him up to be special, in your mind, because that's what you wanted to do, and you thought that is all you deserved. It was your choice .... you picked him. No one made you pair up with him.
Now "your heart is empty", probably because the drama is over. You "don't know how to get over" it. What is there to get over? It was horrible! I am so glad that you got out at all!
You don't WANT to go back to how you were. Yes, you are right,
you didn't want love, because you think you are not good enough to deserve it. You must work on yourself before venturing into another relationship.
You wanted the pain... it made you feel like you were alive...you sought it out, by choosing a terrible man.
Woman, who feel good about themselves, would RUN from a man like that! He could sense that he could control you. Plus he knows what women want to hear, and he plays them.
Did you have an abusive childhood? You would benefit from some professional counselling, it can really help a lot.
You be nice to yourself for a while! I agree with the other poster, you don't need a man to make yourself feel whole. Find out what a nice time you can have on your own! Feel good about yourself, and when you do, you will attract the right person!
Good luck.
I think sometimes being rejected by someone makes us want them even more, as though we have to prove our worthiness to them. I dont know why we do it.
Twenty years is a long time to be in a unhappy marriage. Maybe if you try and think of all the things that you wanted to do but always felt too held back and do them it would take your mind off of this other man. Having some time on your own might help you. :)
Twenty years is a long time to be in a unhappy marriage. Maybe if you try and think of all the things that you wanted to do but always felt too held back and do them it would take your mind off of this other man. Having some time on your own might help you. :)
Don't look for a relationship right now. Spend time getting to know you and what you like. Make a list of all the things you want to do before you are old and start doing them. Pursue your own happiness and when you least expect it you will meet someone special.
There is nothing wrong with being single. It can be highly fulfilling. It is all a matter of how you choose to live your life. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
There is nothing wrong with being single. It can be highly fulfilling. It is all a matter of how you choose to live your life. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
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