I need advice!

[lucylocket2]

If you have read my post about my friend having a miscarriage, then you already now. If not, read emergancy. My queston is - i don't know if this is going to sound bad or heartless, but  here I go. Some friends of ours are getting married and are having a get together tonight. I thought about asking my friend who just had the miscarriage to go. If she doesn't she will be at home all by herself, because her husband has to go help get things ready . I know, I know, her husband shouldn't go right. Well, it's an odd situation. So I understand why he needs to go. Beyond thatt should i try to get my friend to go. i think it would be good for her to help get her mind off things. Then again if she doesn't, i will miss the party of the century and go sit with her,Because that's what a friends is for.So, should I try to get her to go or not. Does she need to sit and dwell or should she try to get her mind off of it. I don't knowwhat to do. Her husband is wanting me to get her out of the house.OR do you all think she needs to have some alone time to sit and think. I don't knowwhat to do!!!!!! help me!!!

[lucylocket2]

Soooo sorry. I didn't get home till late. Not out drunk, just out late. My friend ended up not going neither did her husband. I guess he decided to stay with her. I called her from the party and talked to her for a few min. I asked her what she was doin and she said her husband was in the floor wrestling.. They were going to bed early. She was worn out. ya know , I never thought she would be tired. But good greif, I 'd say she was. She had lost so much blood. Ans no sleep the night before.So , it all worked out. My hubby and I had a great time. I have been learning how to drive a straight drive. Very scarry!!!Well, my husbands toy is a 1975 jeep cj5. He has big tires on it and has a lift kit on it. It has some huge motor. Beat's be, i just know he thinks it's special. Well. h e let me drive it home last night from the party. It was just at the bottom of my road. that's like 2 miles. anyway, after I stopped in the road a million times and had to start the #$$%^& thing bach up. I woke up everybody around! then, i almost ran over the mail boxes, ran in neighbors yard.After we made it home.( I wasn't drinking was the really bad part).So, i parked it and we got out. My hubby decided to go get breakfast this morning. and....... the jeep won't start!!! So of course it's all my fault. I broke his toy!!! oh, well. he'll get over it.

   I didn't get to eat any of the pig. I wasn't going to be done till today. We had beer butt chicken though. It was really good. Baked tader and baked beans. Very tasty.

[oceans3]

you never said what happened last night you crazy girl!!
details please..........

[lucylocket2]

My mouth is open and I am gasping.  I think I would of put that man in a moving box and shipped him straight to hell! It's great that your man took up for you. It doesn't matter if she lives in same town, he lives in your home and sleeps in your bed. You have a beautiful bally that he helped put there. You all have a special bond.  Also, he doesn't need a bootie call. I'm sure he loves, climbing the mountain.  (sorry, was that crude?) You may not see it now, but u r sexy. Don't let stupid people up set u. Have a great day!

[oceans3]

yeah....i think so too. cry, curl up on the couch, dont have to put on a "plastic smile" for anyone.

[lucylocket2]

Great advice ladies! I knew I could count on you all! i talked to her and did what you all said. I don't know if she is going to go. i'm waiting on her call me.I told her what ever she wanted to is fine with me. I am flexible. i will go to her house IF she want's or we can go party. she may want to go stay with her mom tonight. I'm gonna wait a while and see what she decided.You all were right about people asking her stuff. I hadn't really thought about that. I want to go, but i think being there for her is more important. I know she would do the same for me.

[oceans3]

just an FYI....i have never experienced a miscarriage (thank God) but knowing myself, i would NOT want to go to a party and i would want to be alone. be sure you tune into that with her and give her space if she needs it. this JUST happened so she may not want company right now, even if you are a great friend with the best intentions. some people just need to be alone in their thoughts and think. plus if her husband is there, this may be that time she can utilize to be with herself ya know? maybe i am wrong, but if she does not want to go, i would even take that as she wants to be by herself???

anyone???

[AnnieBrooke]

If it were me, I'd want to be home, have a nice bath, enjoy the peace and quiet, and get some sleep.

[jackiemoo]

I just wanted to say, you are a great friend. I am jealous. I wish that I had a gorlfriend who cared so much about me. Your friend is very lucky and I wish the best to both of you.

[AnnieBrooke]

If she feels she must go to the party or she will disappoint people, that is an added pressure to the grief of a miscarriage.  If she would feel like she should have a smile on her face, and when people ask "How are you doing?" say "Fine," then DEFINITELY don't press her go, because she doesn't feel fine, and it would be heartbreaking to have to say she does.  Or would you have her be there with a sad look on her face and when people ask her how she is doing, say "I had a miscarriage"?  I am CERTIAIN she would not want to do that at a party.  I wouldn't urge her to go unless she herself thinks it will take her mind off of things and be a nice diversion.  Don't put her on the spot where she has to pretend to be happy because everyone around her is in a party mood. That is pure hell after a personal tragedy.

One possibility, if the party will be a long one and relatively close to her house, is for you to gather some of her close friends from the group and to go over and see her for a visit during the party.  That would be sympathetic, and would make her feel cared about, without forcing her into a world of hilarity that might feel artificial to her just now.

[Tia Lucila]

It really depends how close those friends are to your friend.  The day after my m/c I went to dinner at the house of some of my friends.  I know them pretty well, so it was a good experience.  I would have absolutely hated having to meet new people and make small talk though.

[lucylocket2]

The friends are ones that we do everything together, yet other people are going to be there though. Not many people know about it. but, you how news travels fast. there might be some moron there that put's their foot in their mouth. I think I might go by and see her. feel out the air on how she is.and go from there. I guess i just want to get her mind of of it, but i know that's not possible. Does that sound bad? I can read her pretty good, so I will be able to tell how she is when i get there. Maybe if she doesn't want to go then i will take her a few good movie's and some junk food. Chocolate always makes me feel better.I just don't want her to think I'd rather be at a party than with her.

   thanks for saying I am a good friend, i just do what I know she would do for me. See, i was great friends with her husband. We went to school together. he and my husband grew up together and have always been best friends. When he met her, I said she was a keeper. She is so much like me.so, he married her! She and I have been best friends ever since. She is a very sweet person. I just love her to death.

[jackiemoo]

Well you are very welcome. Good friends are very hard to find and even harder to keep. This is my second pregnancy and the wierd thing is that both times I have been pregnant my friends flee from me. I hang out with a lot of guys and only some girls, but no one even calls me to check up on me or anything. It hurts my feelings a bit. I always imagined going baby clothes shopping with my best friend on the weekends when I was pregnant. O-well, my best friend is my mom right now. She is always there for me. Well sorry to make this about me... ahh!

Anyway, I think you should go to the party for a while, and then go check on your friend with some movies (funny ones) and some ice cream!

[lucylocket2]

i know how u feel about friends leaving when u get pregnant. When I got pregnant with mine, i lost every friend i had.I looked at it, as they must not of been good friends in the first place. I usually hang with the guys too. That's why I was determined no matter how grouch my friend got with her first i was going to be by her side. I know what it's like to not have a girl to talk to about girlie stuff. i mean, you can tell a guy - my butt is wide, my boob's are swollen, and I'm leaking thru my shirt.

[jackiemoo]

Yeah that is so true. I have one friend who is supposed to be my best friend, but she hardley ever talks to me anymore. I think she is a bit jealous that I am pregnant, because she really wants to be but her husband, who was my best friend in high school too, isn't ready yet. She is only 23, so she has soo much time. I am 27 and this is my second and last. My man is always there for me though so that makes it all up for me. We recently moved to a small town and my man's ex lives in the same town, well one of my "best friends" helped us move in and he says to me:

Hey, now your b/f can go get a booty call anytime your not home.

It really hurt my feelings, My guy stood up for me, but I am still bent about it. I mean I am feeling pretty fat and growse right now, not exactly sexy ya know.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[oceans3]

honestly, maybe i am a meanie but i dont think one of the choices should be you missing out on the party and go to be with her. if she chooses not to attend, then she most likely doesnt want anyone around at this point and may need to be alone.

i would try to convince her to go at first and even offer to bring her back home (if after time she feels she is not ready to be out and about once she gets there). if people know about what happened to her it may turn into.....i am soooo sorry to hear about what happened and so on. at this point, i dont think she wants to hear that.
if she says, no about going, i would just say, okay, but ya know, it wont be fun without you and we will miss you there. if you change your mind, call me and i will come pick you up. maybe even call her from the party, see how she is doing and if she has changed her mind. at least she will know you are thinking of her while you are there.
other than that, you cant stop your own world because of what happened. let her "grieve"

[glad2bamom]

I don't think you can decide for her.  She needs the opportunity to grieve this one on her own.  And, as far as the husband goes, he may be handling it the only way he can.  No judgements from my way--give her the option.  And, if she says she wants to be alone, then maybe that means you too, should go to the party.  Tell her that you'll go, and then come by to check on her later.  She should make this choice by herself.  I understand your need to "help" her through this.  If you guys are as close as you say you are, then she'll let you know if she wants you to stay with her.  I admire you for your friendship and love for her.  Trust that she'll be honest.

[needshelp]

Ask her how she feels, if she doesn't want to go is there any way you could go for a while then go back to be with her? I know after my MC i wantedt to be alone. I am just the type that likes to deal with things my own way in private. She may need some alone time to grieve on her own as well. But if she feels up to going, i hope for her sake people there don't bring it up to her to often and make her feel she would have been better off at home.