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Pregnant and not happy
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Pregnant and not happy

I've just found out this morning tha I'm pregnant and my initial reaction was to burst in to tears and horror.  I do not want another baby.  I have a 3 year old and my DD has just turned 1.  I am content with my life as it is.  i've told my DH, and while I thought he would "tell" me I'm having the baby, he considered my feelings and we'll be talking about it tonight.

I'm about 6 weeks?  What happens with a termination?  Am I still at the stage where they give me a pill to take?
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Avatar_f_tn
Um I don't know as that isn't something I like.  You know there are females in this world that can't have children and would love to have a child.  Have you considered adoption?  My sister-in-law and her husband couldn't have children, but they found a woman that had two children and didn't want another, so she did the most loving thing.  She gave her son to a secure home with loving parents.  If you truly do not want this child, which I am assuming that you don't since you are talking about aborting the baby, look into adoption.  You can be in control of where he or she goes, and the adopted family will pay any medical costs.  Please think about this.  
All I can tell you about a six week is when I was six weeks we saw the baby's heart beating on the internal ultra sound.
I will let you in on my story.  With my first little girl, my husband and I had just gotten married three months before.  The doc put me on predizone and didn't tell me it messed up the pill.  I was upset at first because we weren't planning on having children for a couple of years.  I got over that though.  My little girl is now 5 years old and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Which you may be very serious about not wanting the baby, but please consider doing the best thing for the baby and the best thing for parents who can't have children and make their dreams come true.  
I have two children.
Going from one child to two is harder then going from two to three children.
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Avatar_f_tn
I wanted to add that there is even some women on this forum that have been trying and trying to have a baby with no success so there are women out there.  Their stories sometimes break my heart because they want a child soooooooooo bad and it's just not happening for whatever reason.  
Again I am not trying to decide for you, just letting you know that there are other options.  
If you do decide to abort, then please please have your tubes tied so this doesn't happen again.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you Laura, and I can see your POV, but another reason for not wanting it is not just the baby after.  I don't have very good pregnancies and afterwards I get SEVERE PND.  I am very careful and I am on the pill, and have not missed one, but as they say it only works 99% of the time.  I have thought if I could have a baby and give it up for adoption, and I honestly do not think I could.

And I know that I seem very selfish here, but this is by all means not an easy decision and  I have thought of nothing else even before I took the test.  And this is a decision that would affect not only me, but my whole family and my marriage.  My DH struggled very hard with me with my last pregnancy and depression, which was worse than my first pregnancy, and I don't know if he could go through it again.  So please do not think that I am a careless person who is taking the easy way out, because I'm not.  I am also thinking of my husband, my health, my marriage and my children.
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Avatar_n_tn
Hi there.

I had an abortion at 8 weeks about 3 years ago. It was not a nice experience and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. You must really be sure what you're doing and really talk through every possible issue and think of how you'll feel looking back on your decision in the future. My experience has stuck with me and always will.
However it is all pretty straight forward it usually goes like this: your doctor refers you onto a clinic to speak to a specialist. At this stage they take a sample of blood and talk through with you the procedure and go through with you your reasons for the choice you are making to ensure you are sure of what you are doing. They do the blood test just to ensure everything is in working order and there are no complications. They will then refer you on to your nearest abortion clinic and you book in at a date and time to suit you. Once at the clinic you are taken in and an ultra sound is performed to check all is still in working order. After that you are taken off, get changed and given 2 pills to insert inside yourself which softens the wombs and cervix. You are given a choice of local or geneal anesethetic but i really do not think you want to be semi concious for this and advise you are put fully to asleep. They then perform the procedure and within the same day you are sent home. You are advised to return for a check up with your GP 2 weeks after to ensure everything is ok.

Hun, it was the most traumatic experience i've ever been through and i think about it every day. Its the easy choice to make but the hardest to live with but if things just arent right for you then i wish you luck. Make sure you have friends and family to support you before and after.

I hope things work out for you.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm not thinking that you are careless at all.  
I want you to be aware of something though in case a doc doesn't tell you.  I know someone who had an abortion, and believe me after that she has struggled with depression everyday.  Don't do it because you are worried about depression while pregnant and afterward, because there can be more depression associated with abortion.  
I am confused you said DH which usually means divorced husband, but yet you said you are thinking about your husband and marriage?  
Your right about the birth control pill, because there are women that get pregnant on it, and maybe you will help many of the teens on here that believe as long as they are on the pill, that they won't get pregnant.  That is just not true.  Many women are part of the 1% that get pregnant on the pill.  Believe me when I was pregnant I talked to alot of them in the OB office.  Plus many women don't take into account that if they are over weight that their chances even rise.  
After our second child was born, we knew that we couldn't afford anymore children at that time so a week later my husband went in to have a vasectomy so that accidents didn't happen.  I'm not trying to tell you what do to, but the best thing to prevent this is if you or your husband go get something fixed.  
If you do this, and it is your decision, please get some counseling afterward, and maybe even before because it is very hard on a woman, and make sure that nothing gets discussed around your children so at they don't have to deal with it.  I am sure that you wouldn't do that anyways.
I don't believe that anyone has the right to force their beliefs on anyone, I just believe that someone should know of different alternatives just in case.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you Laura.  Sorry, on other forums I have posted on before DH means Dear Husband, so we are still very much together.

Before now, termination was, not something I was against because people have their own circumstances to deal with, but it was something I never thought I would even consider.  But now I'm in this situation it is one option, along with the other options I have, that I have seriously considered.  I won't go in to depth about how severe my PND actually was, and still can be TBH, but I do know that having this baby and not having this baby are both going to affect me greatly and bring their own problems along with it.

It's something I have been thinking about in great depth, I've thought about nothing else, but I do have some more thinking and deciding to do.
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh good to know I was thinking it meant divorced husband.  :)
Whatever you decide, just make sure you talk to people, and find someone that you can talk to outside of your family.  
I am sure everything will work out the way it is suppose to.  
Good luck.
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134578_tn?1383690151
On this forum, we mean dear husband when we say DH.

I would keep the options open, honey.  I am one of those who tried for years to get pregnant, but I would not wish an unwanted pregnancy on any person.  Talk to your husband and think hard and listen to your heart.
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Avatar_f_tn
yeah she told me that.
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Avatar_n_tn
It's been over a week since I found out I am pregnant and I am so confused.  One minute I hate myself for getting in to this situation, feeling like my body is being invaded, feeling resentment, alone, depressed and I feel like I know that this can't continue.  But then the next minute I still feel all of the above, but don't think I could terminate the pregnancy.

This is horrible.  And I know this can be a sensitive subject for some people, so I am very sorry, but I am genuinely in need of some advice and someone to talk to.
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203342_tn?1328740807
chel, I know you're scared and dreading the PPD that you may encounter. I say MAY because each pregnancy is different. My sister had PPD and I believe there's drugs and ways to help you through that.
I know what that's like to find out you're pregnant when you didn't want or plan on another. Let you tell you a little of my story. My family went through a very dark time with two deaths and one near death in our extended family. We wondered if we'd ever feel joy again. After the death of my grandmother whom I was very close to (closer than my own mother) I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock. I already had a 12 year old and a 16 year old. We had not planned or wanted another one. I was already 39 at the time and knew the risks of being an older mom. I think my husband and I walked around in shock the first few weeks after we found out. We didn't even tell anyone for awhile yet. We were panicking. We didn't feel like we could afford another child. And I liked the fact that my kids were older and more independent and I could do more for myself. I had just completed schooling for my CNA lisence and was looking forward to going back to work. This was just not good timing! Or so I thought. God, I believe, had other plans. Even though I worried in my pregnancy of any complications I could have being an older mom, everything went smoothly in my pregnancy. And here's the miracle (and yes I believe it was a "God thing"). My son was born naturally without being induced exactly one year to the day that we buried my grandmother. My family was overjoyed. My mom was thrilled with being a grandmother again. Do I think this was a coincidence? No, I don't. We felt strongly that God was telling us where there was death, He was bringing new life. And He not only brought this new life, this little miracle, into our lives, but our little boy is the sweetest, loving, precious child. That's why his name is Lucas. It means "bringer of light". And we felt like he brought light back into our lives. My older kids, now 15 and 19, adore him. And we can't even imagine life without him now. Every time I look at his sweet face and think how we could have not had him had we taken the means to make sure we never had children again, I'm just in awe over what God has brought us. Yes, I do believe that every child is God planned and a miracle whether or not you planned it or not. Every life is precious and worthy even while still in the womb. It is a baby. It is a seperate being with it's own soul and deserves the right to be born and live a full life.
Please, please be brave enough for the sake of this baby's life to give him or her a chance at life.
I believe in the power of prayer and I will pray that this would be an uneventful pregnancy and that you wouldn't even get the PPD or if you do that it would be mild enough to be controled. Give God a chance. He really can do miracles!
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Avatar_f_tn
I've had 4 children and I love them very much but I've had a termination and the experience wasn't a bad one, you wake up and it's all over. Counseling is available for you too. At 6 weeks you'd need a D &C , which takes about 5 -10 minutes under anesthetic. This is you and your husband's decision, no one else's. Posting in a worldwide forum will get you all sorts of judgmental responses. I believe in abortion but that's my view, many people don't and it's a debate no one can win. Here is an Australian website with FAQ that might help you. Good Luck with your decision. www.gcaus.com.au/terminations_faq.php
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263950_tn?1221594291
Hi hon. I hope you don't let other people's opinions and judgements sway what you think is best for you and your family. I myself, do find it hard to hear that- only because my boyfriend and I want a child badly and have been trying for months and just can't seem to make it happen. However, I am also an adopted child- so I do know what it feels like to be on the other end. I'd say if you feel that strongly that it will ruin your life, listen to your heart. I would hate to think you'd feel pressured or guilted into having a child you didn't want- and perhaps resenting the child later. However, if you are worried about depression and or family issues. Talking to a therapist or your dr can really help. There is possibly some underlying issues that need to be addressed. Such as clinical depression. Either way, don't allow someone to make you feel guilty for doing what's best for you. Good luck hon.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you all for your advice.  I know that this is ultimately a decision that can only be made by me and my husband, but it is also comforting to hear other opinions and sides of the story.

I have been through all the possible scenarios, and I am very worried about what my state of mind would be like afterwards.  I do worry that if i do carry on then maybe I would resent my husband (because he's in 2 minds about the whole thing) and then would resent the baby.  I worry that I would get depression while pregnant, and then what would happen if an already depressed new mum gets severe PND on top of that?  My PND was bad with my first, worse with my second with suicidal thoughts, but never any intentions.  What would happen this time?

But above all, I do not feel one bit happy since I found out.  I think I really do need to speak with someone and will make an appointment to, whatever happens.  I still feel very confused and won't be making a decision in this frame of mind.
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Avatar_n_tn
my name liz and its a hard decision to make i may be pregnant 10 late now and my boyfriend want me to have one if it turns out i am as he says hes not ready to be a dad i wish you all the luck liz  
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172023_tn?1334675884
Chel, I wish you the best in your decision making process.  I think the idea to talk to someone objective will help.  

There are pros and cons to each side of the situation, and only you can make the final decision.  Which ever way you decide, be prepared for depression that will almost surely follow.  There are good treatments available.  Don't wait for it to hit you, get treatment proactively.  

Let us know how it goes, but as you know, this site has a lot of women who are TTC and who may have a different frame of mind about the situation.  You have every right to post here, as much as they do.

I wish you the best.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you all.  I've made my decision.  I was booked in tonight to have a consultation about a termination, but I've cancelled it.  My husband and I have talked and I think that if I had a termination then eventually our marriage will fail.  And it's not the baby's fault this was accidental or about how I feel.

That's the first time I've called it a baby... I still don't know how I feel.  There's been a lot of crying this last few hours.  I will still be going to talk so someone about my feelings to get some help though.
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Avatar_n_tn
Your lucky to be able to get pregnet like that. I was 16 and had an eptopic pregnacy. I am 21 now and think i MIGHT be prenet but not sure. I really hope I am cause I reall want children. I even already got names picked out for it if I am. If you dont want it give it away to someone who really wants one. Don't kill it. Abortion is murder. You don't want to be a convicted killer in your mind do you? The hospital can call Child & Youth to come pick it up after you spit it out. Abortion isnt the way.... Make the right choice
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Avatar_n_tn
As I said, I've made my decision and I'm keeping the baby.  I know everyone is entitled to their own views and opinions, as you have yours and I have mine.  But if you read through the posts this has not just been about the baby afterwards and this has been a really difficult situation for me.

But, thanks to those who have posted and provided me with comforting advice and support, regardless of their opinions, I have been able to make the decision which will hopefully be right for me and my family.
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203342_tn?1328740807
chel, I'll keep praying that you will have an uneventful pregnancy and that everything will go smoothly in the pregnancy and after and that you won't get PND or get depression or anything of that sort. I pray that your baby will be healthy and strong and a joy to you and your family. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing from time to time. We care and would love to hear from you. Whenever you're feeling scared, alone, anxious or depressed, just click on here and talk to someone. I know we're not doctors or counselors but maybe we can at least encourage you and lift your spirits and help you feel a little less alone. Try and relax and take one day at a time and don't worry about what could happen, ok? You're very brave and I admire your courage. You'll make it, I know. It's going to be ok. God bless you.
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263950_tn?1221594291
I'm glad you've decided either way. You sound like a very smart woman, who can recognize potential consequences of your actions and are taking a proactive step to ensure not only YOUR stability, but your families as well and I commend you for that. I'd say that to you regardless of your choice to abort or keep it. Try and keep your head up hon.
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Avatar_f_tn
No one wants to hear your guilt trips that 'abortion is murder'. You're 21 and haven't had a life time of extremely hard decision making, which equals limited experience. You just want to spit your venom on a woman who has the right to make her own decisions about HER body.

There's too many people in the world anyway. Humans are a bunch of over breeders, we've raped the Earth of all it's resources and still want more. If an animal species had bred to plague proportions as we have, we would've had them culled!
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you April, Mandy & Evie (!).  The comments from TandC were abit hurtful and harsh, and I did try to deal with them, but it's good to know someone else supports the fact that this is my body and my decision!

I will keep you all posted about the pregnancy.  I've woken up today quite positive really with no regrets of cancelling the appointment yesterday, so fingers crossed.
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You are in my prayers.  I'm happy for you and will pray that things go smoothly for you and your husband...and the little one.    ♥  I wish you well.  
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Avatar_n_tn
good luck!  I've been reading tlyour posts and I'm glad you decided to keep the baby.  I hope you have a great pregnancy. and your baby is going to be beautiful!  they always are!
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Avatar_n_tn
stop judging her
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you.

I've made my appointment with the midwife - next Friday.  And I saw my GP today and spoke about my worries and concerns regarding depression before and after the birth.  He's suggested that I speak to a professional and was really supportive.  It may prevent any PND and if he doesn't he said he will be on standby to help me immediately if I need it.  So I'm feeling so much more happier and hopeful.  Even bought my first maternity top yesterday and got quite excited!  I'll keep you all posted and have to say again at how touched and thankful for all of yoiur support.
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Avatar_f_tn
I read all these posts and just felt I had to comment. I had an abortion at 18 (I am now 50) and I have never, ever forgotten it. I have forgiven myself for having one, but I didn't forget. I have since had 5 wonderful children, 2 miscarriages, so I have been through alot.  It was definitely your decision to make and a very tough one too. I would think that you will be able to find help for your PPD - just make sure your doctor is aware of that.  I wish you all the best and I hope that you will find much joy in this child. Take care.
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266583_tn?1189759436
I just wanted to add that I had depression during my pregnancy with my 3rd child and was put on Zoloft, which helped tremendously.  I'm not an advocate for traditional medications, I normally won't even take a tylenol for a headache.  But I would start crying for no reason...  Zoloft, as my doctor put it, was safe to take during pregnancy and while nursing.  Good luck with everything.  ♥
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263950_tn?1221594291
I'm so happy to hear you feeling better. I really think it's great that you are being so pro-active with your well being. There is no shame in asking others to be there for you. :)
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Avatar_n_tn
Thanks.  I was wondering if there would be anything that I could take if I did start to have problems with depression while pregnant, and my GP said he would look in to it, so it's good to know that there is, just in case.  Hopefully I wont need it.
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Avatar_n_tn
I wish a man would adopt me and baby to be rather than me adopt baby out.  I'm a single mom and would love a family with a husband to have this baby with. :(
Lonely in CA.
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Avatar_n_tn
By the way, I'm 6 1/2 weeks pregnant and am considering abortion... to avoid being alone again, poor, single mom of 2 young teens.  My lover had an affair and wanted to marry another woman.  I can't take him back.  I have so much distrust.  I dont' want to stay with him for the sake of being pregnant either.  
I want to have it but with another man who loves me and can provide a home.  But,that is not reality.  So,I may have to abort.  I just want to hold on a couple more days, to reconsider.  But, not for too long.  I'm scared. Time is ticking.  I don't want to go through it all over again poor and on food stamps and I dont want to do adoption... no way.  I wanted have another baby.  Circumstances are just so bad now.
Help.  Any subjestions?
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Avatar_f_tn
This is a decision you're going to have to make yourself. You've been through bringing up two kids to teens already and have lived it tough. Can you do this again? Will you resent the child if you do go ahead with the pregnancy and birth? Your two kids are probably nearing independence now and you'll have some freedom back. Is this what you want now for your future or do you feel you have enough love and time to give to a new child. Are you emotionally able to cope with bringing another child into the world? If you are then you know what to do.

Like you said, it isn't realistic to think that a caring man is going to appear and give you and your unborn child the family you hope for anytime soon. I'm not saying it's impossible but the chances are low if we're looking into the near future.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons Laura. If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy I wish you all the best and if you don't I'll wish you all the best just as equally. Whatever the decision, don't feel guilty ok. :)
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Avatar_n_tn
Congrats on your pregnancy! Be encouraged! I have read through the forum for the last thirty minutes and seen all the encouragements, strong beliefs, and warnings from women who have shown genuine concern to your unexpected and unplanned pregnancy.
However I noticed no one mentioned taking a little retreat for yourself or shared time with you and your DH; that time alone will help you to focus and be strengthed with your decision to give birth and parent your baby. You will have an oppurtunity to dicuss what things you want done differently with the pregnancy, labor and delivery process, names, the sex of the baby, and laugh together about all the wonder charateristics you enjoy from your other children that you hope to see in this new little one.
Keep in mind the actress Brooke Shields who experienced PPD after the birth of a child she so badly wanted, she was critized and she was encouraged but she made it. The second time around there was no PPD sytoms whatsoever! You know the saying, "no two pregnancies are the same".
I think you should post a new forum... "pregnant, very happy and welcoming baby number three"
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