painful sex

[chelsea1992]

hi im 18 and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. When we began having sex it was fine (but not enjoyable). However i started to find it painful, it feels as if its too big for me. I also find it difficult to use tampons. In the last year we have had sex twice because it makes me feel like crying. Its not because of the pain, it just feels wrong and dirty. I also hate being touched and get angry when my boyfriend touches me in a sexual way. I have been sexually abused twice, once at the age of 6 which was just touching and once raped at the age of 13. Recently i have been getting shooting pains in my anus and vagina. I dont no if they are linked. I was wondering if anyone knows what this could be. I cant bare the thought of speaking to someone about it but i no i should

[Des_a_rae]

You are so welcome and I really hope I have helped some, at least. I wish you the best. I hope you finally find peace because like I've said, you deserve it, I deserve it and everyone else deserves it. We ALL deserve to be happy.  :) I'm here if you ever need to talk.

[chelsea1992]

yea i hadnt thought about what had happend when i was 6 for years until i was about 16. i think if i had to tell someone it would be my boyfriend. I would have to write a letter like you did, i would find it easier than face to face. Thankyou so much for the advice, and im glad your happy now!

[Des_a_rae]

It does affect you. Some how you can block things out without realizing it. After I got married I would remember things that I had forgotten. Certain situations I was in, certain times things like that. All having to do with during the molestation. If your b/f plans on sticking around for awhile and you love him and want him in your life it would help both of you if you told him. If he's not "the one" then you need to find someone to talk to. After I got it all out that was a HUGE relief but still didn't help me heal. It ALLOWED me to heal in time though. Even if you need to see a therapists. Sometimes it helps to tell someone like that. That's what they're there for. I was done with this controlling my life when I finally told my husband. I let it control me for 7 full years. I should've told someone when it first started and I blame myself for letting it go on so long.  I know it sounds corny but it's true. Time does heal. You just have to find ways of making that happen. It's not going to fix itself but it deserves to be fixed. FOR YOU!
I knew there was no way possible I'd ever be able to tell someone what had happened to me face to face. That's why I wrote that letter.  I was even crying when he was reading the letter. Knowing what he was reading, afraid of how he would feel towards me after he read it. Just remember that no one can help, if they don't know. I tried to be happy and smile when I was around people for YRS while feeling like I was dying, disgusting and nasty on the inside. It's not a happy place to be and you deserve to be happy.

[chelsea1992]

im sorry for what you want through! It sounds horrible. And that is a lot of help, thankyou! I sometimes tell myself it hasnt affected me but then i realise it must of. And no my boyfriend doesnt no, i have tried to talk about it but i cant seem to do it. I no he would be very understanding about it but i still cant manage to help him.

[Des_a_rae]

Hi Chelsea. I'm so sorry what you're going through and have went through. I can understand somewhat.  I was molested from the age of 12 till I was 16. I never told anyone and one day I realized I was "happy' with trying to kill myself. I became a cutter. I know the whole " take away the pain on the inside by causing pain on the outside" and that is absolutely true. I really felt that way.  Anyways, I would starve myself, I would try to go so fast around curves hoping to wreck.  I went from being 127 down to 89lbs in no time. I looked AWFUL.  BUT being molested made me feel fat, ulgy, disgusting and that no man would EVER find me attractive(in a good way), much less love me. I felt that I didn't deserve to be loved. All of this (cutting, trying to wreck, starving myself) happened within a 6 month time span. I left my parents house because they didn't understand and I didn't want to tell them. I lived with my aunt. My mom would call everyday crying asking me when I was coming home.  THEN I realized I had a brother and sister as well.  My sister was only 4 and my brother was 11. I loved them so much and wanted to be there when they grew up.  I loved my parents too of course but something about my brother and sister made me want to be here. That didn't stop the cutting though.  So i'm turning 18 and my aunt has a (guy) friend that's been coming around and boy did I have a crush on him. BUT in the back of my mind I knew he didn't notice me at all. Yes he was a little older, 6 yrs to be exact but still, it was a crush. Anyways so one day I finally broke down. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I HAD To tell someone. I felt as I was slowly dying. Over time my aunts friend became my friend as well but that was all. SO I thought, I'll tell him. I wrote him a letter telling him everything. We walked down the road that night and he read it. He was even crying when he was done.  I wouldn't let him hug me even though he wanted to. He just grabbed my hand and held it.  Over time I realized he was liking me. It was such a WONDERFUL feeling.  A feeling I thought I'd never feel. He not only became my best friend, but my boyfriend and now my husband of 11 yrs.  He IS my everything. He saved me that night. I was like yourself in a way. I NEVER wanted him to touch me, to hug me, I wouldn't even let him touch my face because I still felt so ashamed. I thought I could get over this on my own. I finally told my parents, they offered me counseling. I declined. I was going to do this myself. My husband taught me not to dwell in the past. I was constantly dwelling up until now. I had to learn to forgive and forget FOR MYSELF!!  I never saw a counseler. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and get over in my entire life. I still think about it, it'll never go away. I've just learn to deal with it and move on with my life. I have a husband/bestfriend who I'm SO happy and SO in love with. :)  My brother and sister are now 24 and 17. I got to see my brother graduate and soon to see my sister. Life is what you make it. That's for sure. I'm not trying to push you, to tell you what to do because everyone is different. I AM trying to tell you to live your life and be as happy as you can possibly be. YOU DESERVE IT!!  My only question to you is, does your boyfriend know what happened? If not he'll never understand!  I'm 31 now and for the last 6 yrs I've been completely happy. Even when I first got married I was still struggling. That's when my husband finally told me to LET GO!  For myself and for my marriage. I was letting all that hurt, anger, RAGE eat me up inside and it wasn't healthy still.  I wish you the best chelsea. I hope you get whatever help you need. If you EVER need to talk I'm here and I don't mind at all. I AM sorry this was so long but how can you help someone if you've been in that same situation if you don't pour your heart out to them?  I hope I have helped somewhat.  Before I started writing I thought "nah, it'll be to long" but then I thought " If I could just help her the least little bit, it would be worth it".  Take care chelsea and again, if you ever need to talk I'm here. :)