Can you please help me?

[patsyburrell]

My husband and I have been married over 20 years and we have a 18 year old daughter and 14 year old son.  My husband never give my daughter the time of day.  Her and I have always been so close.  It''s all different now, she never wants to be around me and it appears she hates the sight of me.  My husband has been going to her bedroom constantly laying on her bed and talking.  Then of course he says he fell asleep but this is now an everynight situation and now he wants her to go everywhere with him.  Their whole relationship is different.  Could he possibly be having sex with his own daughter?  What do you think is really going on?


This discussion is related to Sleeping in bed with mom.

[patsyburrell]

Please someone talk to me and tell me if you or anyone you know has ever experienced anything like this.  I'm just in shock and I want to know how to find out if it is happining. Do I ask them? It's so hard to act normal like nothing is going on.

[Bradjani]

Do not allow it a single moment longer. You must deal with it. Discussions and ultimatums. If nothing is happening, he still has no reason to be in her room at night, and he should not want it to appear there is something. Insist all doors left open. If happens again, move out with daughter immediately. If nothing is going on, he should have no problem with the open door policy and not going into her room after dusk.

[foursquare]

What's your gut telling you?

I think this is one of those things where you need to trust it.


If it's true, you need to get your husband out of the house PRONTO.

[bBarry]

The State Police would give him a lie detector test.

[unisom69]

lie detector tests are not conclusive by any means. most law enforcement doesnt employ polygraphs like at all

[margypops]

I think you need to have some straight talking here and tell him you are not comfortable with his behavior , havent you asked your daughter about it , you should sit and ask her , when you know he is in her bedroom you should call him out and really not allow it as it seems like enablement .,the fact you know and he is still doing it, if he wants to talk to your daughter tell him you will join in and talk in the living area.

[star029655]

Why don't you stay awake when he is in there and just walk in the room in the middle of the night.  You need to trust what you feel inside and act.

[Here_to_help_not_professional]

You could always while he is in there, sit with them and try talking to them casually and see how they act. But if you feel like something is going on and you are seriously worried, trust yourself and ask them either together or separately but directly. As if your worried you can't sugar coat it. Hope for the best for you and I really hope this isn't happening and they have just developed a father daughter relationship after all the years x

[Here_to_help_not_professional]

You could always while he is in there, sit with them and try talking to them casually and see how they act. But if you feel like something is going on and you are seriously worried, trust yourself and ask them either together or separately but directly. As if your worried you can't sugar coat it. Hope for the best for you and I really hope this isn't happening and they have just developed a father daughter relationship after all the years x

[Justmyopinion123]

Trust your gut. I don't believe your husband will admit to such a thing. Predators are very cunning and can easily twist & manipulate. I agree with the previous comment ....when he's in bed with her open the f=%#@n door. Or, take her to be examined or talked to by a professional.

[Imamonk]

It would seem right to question them both, especially your daughter since you once shared a close relationship with her. And I strongly agree with Kryan, that person is dangerous to the household.

[Sabella1S]

If he has ignored her the majority of her life it's possible there is another explanation for it. My dad did a similar thing with my sister when she got older.

But he did it out of guilt. He felt bad that she had to hear that she was the reason our parents got divorced her whole life.

Which was compounded by the fact that I was literally the only child he wanted, the only one he planned for and when he left my mother I was the only one he wanted and tried to get custody of until my stepmother told him he had to take all of his children not just me.

My siblings knew all this **** because he was not shy about saying that I was the only child he wanted. When my sister got older his guilt got the best of him and he tried to overcompensate with giving her **** and including her in father daughter outings that had only been me and him before.

The sudden change might seem weird but it's possible that his guilt for ignoring her got the best of him and he is overcompensating in an inappropriate looking way.

[AllSmiles1991]

That is very odd, I would definitely ask your daughter in private while your husband is gone. I would say, '' How do you feel about your father spending so much time with you  and see how she acts about the question.

[jimmorrisonsbutt]

Dude. I lived with my aunt and uncle for a year and ended up having a sexual relationship with the husband. This is EXACTLY what we did. He would help me with homework and then fall asleep and then early in the morning the wife would realize and come down and get him. We went to the store together, on walks at night, watched movies together, I helped him with building projects. We weren't actually related and his wife was evil so it's not as ****** up as yours but I wholeheartedly believe that's what's going on in your home. And my gradual infatuation with him was also my gradual hatred of the wife. So that's you in this scenario. And that explains why your daughter doesn't want to be around you. She's jealous. You gotta get him out of your house. Your daughter is going to hate you for it but know that you're doing that right thing. And get her some therapy. It takes time. But you cannot let her be around him anymore.

[Tbj424]

You can't just say that she is jealous and that is why she is acting like that. She could also be really upset with her mother for not being able to see what is happening behind closed doors with her dad. That's usually how teens act. The "how could they let this happen???" thought. I know it sounds like it doesn't make sense, but that is how they feel. Like "they know me well enough to know that I'm not OK" its a very uncomfortable thing to talk about with a parent because of fear of said parents reaction.

[jimmorrisonsbutt]

And asking them will not help. If she's 18 she's going to be pissed at you and loyal to him. Father figures can get a real hold on a girls mind. She's gonna protect him and protect their "relationship". She's living in a fantasy and it's probably hurting her very very badly. Asking him will not help. He will probably tell you she's going through something and needs support or it's weird teenager stuff or an excuse like that. You'll know if you have asked him... get him out. I agree with the waiting until the middle of the night to walk in. Or just listen outside of the door. Make them think you're asleep. I know all of this. I've done it before.

[GavinGarrett]

I say hidden camera. Even though this situation has probably already ended.

[Mondy777]

Well let me start by saying Im glad Im not a member of your family's  if a father cant fall asleep on his daughters bed without been branded a peadophile or pervert. Have you ever thought that they have just bonded after 18 years of missed relationship. Maybe your marriage has broken down in his eyes and it is an escape for him?? Dont get me wrong there could be something more sinister but this is a man you have been married to for over 20 years and have two children with, surely peadophila and insest are not the first conclusions you can come to. I truely hope you sort your problem out and I truely hope its an innocent explication.

[boo_kitty]

I'm sorry, but it is in no way, shape or form normal for a GROWN MAN to suddenly sleep in his daughter's room whom he had no relationship with before.... No, it is NOT normal.

[Kinsleyc]

I'm glad your not a member of this family either! I have never heard of a father crawling into bed with his grown *** daughter! This is really disturbing and definately strange.The girl is 18! Sorry not right! If it is a situation where  he's having trouble in the marriage area with his wife and wants some space there's a damn couch he can sleep on! The 18 year old daughter's bed is unacceptable!
This needs to be investigated this poor girl will be ruined for the rest of her life all because the man(perv) she calls dad wants to manipulate and prey on his daughter ...Disgusting he's a predator for sure! What the hell is wrong with this damn world!!!

[deadsirius]

If it was like once a week thing maybe but every night? if it didnt happen before? i wouldnt automatically go for predator maybe, seems a bit extreme, but it is strange if it suddenly happens every night, in bed, not in the living room or something. Porn sites will also show you that some men have very disturbing fantasies involving their daughters (as do daughters involving their fathers but theyre hormonal kids, the adult should know better). The fact that the number of these men (and women) is more than 0 is concerning.

[Imran_123]

Don't spoil your relationship with your husband and always keep watch on them. Dont worry If your husband's nature is good then he will never have sex with his own daughter. And give more love to her and always be agree with her.try to take out her for 3 to 4days .

[yetolder]

Imran_123, sorry but you are very naive about this. I and my sister, by turns, were both victims of this and our father was a paragon of virtue in others' eyes. When I finally ran away at 16 (upon which he started grooming my younger sister, unbeknownst to anyone) I agree with both the commenters, one mentioning the girl's changed attitude toward Mom being borne of jealousy and the other saying the girl could be resenting the mother's inaction. A third possibility about her attitude change is guilt. But the daughter's sudden alienation from Mom is a dead giveaway that something very unwholesome is going on, had resulted in or is leading up to sexual relations between dad and daughter (with luck, you can stop it while he's still grooming her mind to that end.) By the way, another clue is in the fact that Dad never related to the daughter before taking this sexualized interest in her: he either is psychopathic and never felt a fatherly bond with her, which of course lets her appear to him as sexually desirable; or, more commonly seen, perhaps he was always nonplussed about how to relate to her if she happens to be very appealing to him - many diligent fathers struggle with this, and maybe the loose mores of modern culture have deluded him to think anything goes now that she's adult. Clutch your pearls, people, and then get over it and jump into action. This sh!t definitely happens, oftener than we'd like to think; it has always happened, even i  the straight-laced "good old days" in the 1950s when it happened to me, which I was told by the authorities when I went to them for help with emancipation as an i dependent minor. Get him out, with the added barrier of a restraining order specifying any contact with daughter; better yet, because he obviously doesn't care about rules and conventions, just get yourself and daughter out together, even to a women's shelter if need be. Daughter will need lots of therapy, needless to say.

[Kdon76]

Obviously him falling asleep in her bed on a daily basis is not normal. It's normal to bond but must it always be at night? Hopefully it's innocent, but the fact that your relationship with your daughter has changed also sets off a red flag. Trust your gut. Talk to your daughter in a non-accusatory manner. Try to find out what's causing the tension. Could it be your husband is opening up to her about marital problems & she's become resentful or could the cause be more sinister in nature. Regardless, start by opening the lines of communication with your daughter. After all, it's your duty to protect her.

[Suze1965]

There is a big probkem here. You need to talk to your husband and ask alot of questions here. This sounding all bad to me.

[kitakita31]

This question is 7 years old, but I would love to hear how it turned out. im almost certain they are messing around.

[Katt219]

Right

[HolidayinGoa]

I think someone in this situation should get help, this may be too much to deal with alone or with just online or other non-professional help.

[Angelwings00]

Your daughter is hurt and mad at you for she feels you will not help her.
Feels you will not believe her. Shame! How are yiu going to handle the situation if yoyr husband, her father is molesting her?  She needs you.  He needs you.  

[prettydarnwitty]

Everything in this situation is a NO NO NO. I don't get some of you people!! Her and her daughter were close now she is WITHDRAWN. The father had no interest in her until he decided to have sex with her. If the father wanted to talk/bond with his daughter why does it have to be at night in her bedroom every night with him supposedly falling asleep. He should want to get in bed and touch his WIFE. The daughter is feeling guilt, shame, depression and confusion. I know this is an old question but to OP if you ever see this, I am soooo sorry you had to deal with this. I hope you and your daughter have been able to heal and that you have lost any emotional attachment to that narcissistic predator.

[Luv5]

This is not a "normal situation."   I would invest in a spy camera/nanny cam.  You can always ask your daughter and/or your husband but you will always have doubts.  

[Unhoely]

guuuurl imma tell u somethin that "Husband" of yours is ******* your daughter im 100% sure

[whenissomeday]

Hey, so I'm a girl, and I can tell you with 100% certainty that I would never have wanted my dad chilling in my room during bedtime at age 18. He would never have done anything to me, but I still wouldn't have wanted a parent hovering over me when I'm trying to sleep. That's weird.

Also, I dealt with molestation from relatives as a child, and this kind of shady lingering separate "quality time"  **** is suspicious as ****. That's exactly the kind of ploy predators use to separate guardians from their targets. This question is ancient, but if anyone came here with a similar situation on their mind: don't live with uncertainty and suspicion a minute longer. Get the facts right now, ask people what's up, see with your own eyes what's going on, and act accordingly. You are a PARENT before you are a WIFE. You have an obligation to your child. Your kid's safety is more important than your spouse's feelings.

[716hogan83]

So what's the results? I'd hide a camera... Wish.com has tons of hidden cameras u can plant in her room

[Nmaharajr0122]

The fact that she seems to hate the sight of you is because she feels you are doing nothing about it. She's trying to reach out for help here read the signs. Takes her everywhere she's helpless if you can't see it she feels she has to go and do what he says she's helpless. Trust me this happened to someone I know and these are the same things. She is being manipulated by this man who's supposed to be her protector. Stop it while can. It's wrong and not normal. No dad that has real love for their of age daughter doesn't give her space etc. He's obviously abusing her and she's afraid of him. Won't say anything coz his her own dad. Hates you coz you're not seeing it. Dear this is sick what your husband is doing. Worse since it is her biological father. Gosh I hate such men. Thank god we got rid of 1 from our family

[sara0330]

From my experience,  yes he is, and the reason why she seems to hate you is because she sees you as competition.  ..

[Rosemary3560]

Hi. I would install a camera. He's probably brainwashed her. It's easy when your that age to get confused. It's her father and she trusts him, she may think in some way it's ok, because he's telling her it is. Do trust your mother instinct it's what we have as mothers and usually is right. God bless you and I hope it's not happening.

[Kymsmom07]

Please help this little girl. I hate to say it but most likely you are  right. I would put a camera in. If it is something like you suspect dont take matters into your own hands.  let the law handle it. She doesnt need her mom in jail. Have you confronted him?