temper trantrums

[lablovergirl]

My 5 year old son has recently started throwing horrble tantrums and my husband and I are at our wits ends. He can be so sweet and loving for a very long time and then it's like someone threw a switch on a caged lion. He is in kindergarten and his teacher says he is always well behaved and liked by all the children in the class. We have taken toys away, sent him to his room, denied TV, and time outs. He becomes so enraged he growls at us, yells we don't love him, he doesn't like us, and screams like we are killing him. His Doctor says all is well with him and he does not act like this around my mother and becomes hysterical when I tell him I am going to tell her how he is acting with us. He says he loves her and will not be bad with her. I have tried picking him up and holding him and telling him how much I love him and eventually he will calm down and say he is sorry and will never act like this again. I got so upset the other day I started to cry while he was having a fit and he stopped, looked at me and asked me why I was crying. I told him it was because he had hurt my feelings and that I was sad seeing him so upset and that my heart was breaking. He wiped my tears and told me he loved me but within an hour when I told him it was bedtime, the war was on again. Please let me know if this is "normal" behavior and how do we handle this. I appreciate any and all advise I receive.
Thank you.


This discussion is related to Temper Tantrums from 5 1/2 year old girl with typically sweet disposition.

[jamelia]

I am in exactly the same situation with my 51/2 yr old boy. We have just witnessed this week the most horrific rage tantrums, which is so unlike him. I am use to the normal temper tantrums that most kids have, but these were totally out of his character. He said he could feel the good person inside but the bad one wouldn't let him out. I know the answers I have seen on looking around are time out etc... but that is not working on us during these rage tantrums, there is no getting through to him. I have spoken to him afterwards and he says he will try not to let this happen again, but it does as soon as we say 'no' to something, and it's not like he is not use to hearing no. We as parents don't give in to everything they want. He has just started school and seems happy enough and doing well - I would say average in everything so nothing of concern there. We do wonder whether it might food related so are cutting out sugary things at present to see if there is something that is triggering it off. I only hope this is just a phase and not an ongoing thing as I really find it hard to deal with, not so bad when we are at home, but one episode was outdoors and that was very difficult trying to control and also try and get my 3 yr old back to the car.
If you find any solutions that work with you, please share them as I am in need of good advice. We have tried the time outs, the hugs, the getting down on his level and talking softly or sternly with him - it's like nothing at all will work and he lashes out at me. I held him and tried reassuring him the other day while he was going through this as the tears rolled down his face - and then when it's all over he is back to the good normal child that we know.

[benjimom]

That's great taht he is doing well at school and with other people. Maybe he gets tired and acts out with you.  sometimes parents see the worst. I would try not to react to his tantrums and to not put a lot of energy into trying to calm him, let him learn to calm self.  If he sees you reacting so much, he might keep doing it over and over again to get a reaction. I know it's stressful when kids act out!

[specialmom]

I must say that I am pleased to hear how well he is doing in school and away from you.  That means that there is most likely nothing outside the norm with him in terms of his make up.  I think perhaps a parenting class would be helpful, to be honest.  You are his parent and  yet you cry and he has to wipe your tears.  That worries me.  I would switch the dynamics to more posative.  Instead of being angry and upset, try to get him to be motivated to do as you want him to.  Posative reinforcement vs negative.  Reward charts, coins for good deeds, earning some special activities of his choosing, and lots of praise.  You've done something right that he is so well adjusted everywhere else----  that is great.  good luck.

[margypops]

As he is good and no problem at school and with your mother it would be a good idea to look at the home dynamics as something is upsetting this child, perhaps some parent/child interaction should be a concern, your post was not asking WHY it seemed more concerned with Punishment and I believe that could be the problem I suggest you ask for help with your interaction with him ..

[mammo]

I feel by this age, tantrums should be at a minimum.  Normally kids will act badly with the people they feel will let them get by with it. It may be the reaction he gets from you and your husband.  Don't do a lot of talking when he is being disciplined, it's not up for debate.  Do not allow him to scream at you, be firm, always get down on his level and very sternly tell him "we do not scream at people!" After his punishment is over, make sure you give him a big hug and tell him you love him. I think because he does so well with other people, in other settings he has learned that this behavior is somehow okay at home. Be consistent, and firm.  He sounds like a good kid who is either doing this for attention, or because he can. He has to learn now that mommy and daddy set the rules not him, and this is the age where he has to learn to respect both of you. If you don't get his respect and get control of him now, you never will.  Be firm in your discipline, little talk, and when he has settled down, ask him if he understands why he was punished, he will say yes, and they a hug and an I love you.  Consistency is so important with kids. If you keep talking to him while he is in time out, or during any punishment he will not take you seriously.  He will sense that you are trying to smoothe things over, he needs to know you mean business.  Good luck and take care.

[RockRose]

Don't tell his beloved grandmother about this  lablovergirl.  

Suck this up.  Really,  he's succeeding in so many areas.  He's doing great in the classroom,  he's doing great with his grandmother,  somehow he has some extra energy and anger that he saves for you.  

You're old enough to just suck this up and stop making this about you.    Stop crying.   You're 45,  5 years younger than me.

Stop making this about you.  He's a baby,  make this about him.