Aa
Why is it?
For days I have reminded myself of the scriptural passage "blown about by every wind". These times of feeling so very low, then spiritually re-born, then bereft... How can I feel so desperately lost one moment then oriented for a period then cast adrift and lost again. Like searching and finding and losing my way, over and over again.
For 26 years I have known without room for doubt that God loves me, always has always will... that I am safe in His care. And yet, so alone.
It's not a matter of not having a clean heart (as much as anyone can, I guess), or a clean life (I'm squeaky clean, I think, if I have a bad habit it's negative thoughts), or even works (I go out of my way to help where I can, care for those who are in any way depending on me, etc.).
When I try to go to church I am overcome by the agendas of the various churches I've tried... They're either utterly focused on money or on activism. I haven't been able to find a church where they seem to have room for people who just need reassurance (where is my "blessed assurance?"), to worship, and to praise God. My life is so stress-filled, I have nothing left to give but it seems that churches are very much for always posturing in the community... always trying to grow at my expense (one way or another) and no matter how much I give it's never enough.
I was thinking recently of the story of Ananias and Sapphira... and it seems to me that when a church asks more than the congregation is willing to give the congregation dies. Am I the only one who thinks that where the love of God is believers will follow? And even where the love of God is preached (it was evangelists from a small, independent church who lead me to KNOW God) there can be such judgement and partiality... and greed.
What's a struggling believer who is totally burned out in every way to do?
For 26 years I have known without room for doubt that God loves me, always has always will... that I am safe in His care. And yet, so alone.
It's not a matter of not having a clean heart (as much as anyone can, I guess), or a clean life (I'm squeaky clean, I think, if I have a bad habit it's negative thoughts), or even works (I go out of my way to help where I can, care for those who are in any way depending on me, etc.).
When I try to go to church I am overcome by the agendas of the various churches I've tried... They're either utterly focused on money or on activism. I haven't been able to find a church where they seem to have room for people who just need reassurance (where is my "blessed assurance?"), to worship, and to praise God. My life is so stress-filled, I have nothing left to give but it seems that churches are very much for always posturing in the community... always trying to grow at my expense (one way or another) and no matter how much I give it's never enough.
I was thinking recently of the story of Ananias and Sapphira... and it seems to me that when a church asks more than the congregation is willing to give the congregation dies. Am I the only one who thinks that where the love of God is believers will follow? And even where the love of God is preached (it was evangelists from a small, independent church who lead me to KNOW God) there can be such judgement and partiality... and greed.
What's a struggling believer who is totally burned out in every way to do?
I have been taught an acronyn: HALT. It stands for hungry, angry, lonely and tired. These are four things that I have had to learn to look for and deal with appropriately. Too much of any of these can cause me to start what I like to call "stinkin thinkin".
When I'm hungry I eat. When angry I try to be calm and understand why, when lonely I pray, when tired I rest or at a minimum ease up a bit.
Sometimes I put too much pressure on myself and I can be the one wearing myself down. After all I am the one accepting all these responsibilites. There are times where things can be physically too much and I need to let others know I am taking a break. Sometimes the stress is mental and all I need to do is get a new perspective.
Like cloud said, take some time to care for yourself. This should help you to continue on. Hope this helps. Take care and get some rest. Oh yeah, prayer and meditation helps a lot when it comes to getting right with the world.
When I'm hungry I eat. When angry I try to be calm and understand why, when lonely I pray, when tired I rest or at a minimum ease up a bit.
Sometimes I put too much pressure on myself and I can be the one wearing myself down. After all I am the one accepting all these responsibilites. There are times where things can be physically too much and I need to let others know I am taking a break. Sometimes the stress is mental and all I need to do is get a new perspective.
Like cloud said, take some time to care for yourself. This should help you to continue on. Hope this helps. Take care and get some rest. Oh yeah, prayer and meditation helps a lot when it comes to getting right with the world.
Wrong words? No worth?? Cloud, your words explain to me why last night was so difficult. I had given of myself exhaustingly for two days. Spreading information that I knew people need but that doesn't make the mainstream media, mostly. Taking care of business for an upcoming however temporary move and having to reveal too much of myself to strangers, two.
But I know where you're coming from... i'm so tired. I don't have the energy to choose my words delicately, so I just say what I think and apologize afterward, just like you just did. Cloud, you and I, we have value. We have values, too, but we are valuable ourselves. Our words are valuable. Our desire to share is valuable. Very, very valuable. So, thank you for the time and the thought that goes into each reply. You are cherished. (I don't use that word lightly.)
But I know where you're coming from... i'm so tired. I don't have the energy to choose my words delicately, so I just say what I think and apologize afterward, just like you just did. Cloud, you and I, we have value. We have values, too, but we are valuable ourselves. Our words are valuable. Our desire to share is valuable. Very, very valuable. So, thank you for the time and the thought that goes into each reply. You are cherished. (I don't use that word lightly.)
God is not in a building Kat god is in all of us. The greatest and most biggest church exist within you.
Do you believe in balance?
Lets say light = good deeds and giving of yourself
Lets say dark = bad deeds and taking of other and giving to yourself
Balance is the key ying and yang
Give to much of yourself and light over comes your body while this will make you appear a better person in turn you have neglected yourself. Thus you have neglected the vessel which "god has given you" You have allowed yourself to be used for others gains. Now your heart is pained by the burning of the light. Give to yourself allow others to give to you and restore the balance it is not evil to have darkness in you it is simply apart of being what you are. We all must allow there to be time to care for ourselves to at time be selfish. Just watch that you dont upset the balance by taking in to much dark.
Balance is perfection that is why we can never truly find it. Ask yourself what has the church done for me. You can receive gods sign and words any place so it cannot be this. God is just as likely to show itself to you in a beatiful storm as it is to show itself in a place of gathering.
I'm sorry but I don't think you will find your reassurance in money nor activism thats just a church trying to grow and nothing more. Look to the face of those who seek god and you will find that doubt lives in all of us. I'm sorry but You will only find this on your own as you walk on your path to the source.
I wish only the best for you and I hope you find what you need. I'm sorry if I spoke with the wrong words or if my words have no worth You see I am lost and am not sure where I should step.
Do you believe in balance?
Lets say light = good deeds and giving of yourself
Lets say dark = bad deeds and taking of other and giving to yourself
Balance is the key ying and yang
Give to much of yourself and light over comes your body while this will make you appear a better person in turn you have neglected yourself. Thus you have neglected the vessel which "god has given you" You have allowed yourself to be used for others gains. Now your heart is pained by the burning of the light. Give to yourself allow others to give to you and restore the balance it is not evil to have darkness in you it is simply apart of being what you are. We all must allow there to be time to care for ourselves to at time be selfish. Just watch that you dont upset the balance by taking in to much dark.
Balance is perfection that is why we can never truly find it. Ask yourself what has the church done for me. You can receive gods sign and words any place so it cannot be this. God is just as likely to show itself to you in a beatiful storm as it is to show itself in a place of gathering.
I'm sorry but I don't think you will find your reassurance in money nor activism thats just a church trying to grow and nothing more. Look to the face of those who seek god and you will find that doubt lives in all of us. I'm sorry but You will only find this on your own as you walk on your path to the source.
I wish only the best for you and I hope you find what you need. I'm sorry if I spoke with the wrong words or if my words have no worth You see I am lost and am not sure where I should step.
Going to God and asking Him what he wants you to do is a good place to start.
Learning to be still and listen.
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