coping with ADD fiance, advice please

[swabes]

About 3 months ago my fiance was diagnosed with ADD, someone we have learned he has had from childhood but was never diagnosed or treated. He also has OCD which is being treated.

I realise that his behavior is something that cannot be altered quickly, these lifetime of bad habits will take time to break but I am finding it all very overwhelming and hard to be in a relationship.

He is yet to be seen by a professional but has asked for my help. I have tried my hardest. I made him aware of his inappropriate behaviour, something which he asked me to do - but each time I do he resents for doing so. Any advice i give is brushed aside, he says he cannot take what I say on board because i am not a professional. He also uses his ADD as an excuse for every day problems which are not related to his ADD in anyway.  
He is uncontrollable and I cannot be his counsellor any longer, I fear it will tear our relationship apart. How can I be there for him without becoming too involved and stressed.

Has anyone else experienced this and can give me some advice on the matter?

[allmymarbles]

I guess what disturbs me is that he is using his condition to gain an advantage. That is a character trait unrelated to his ADD.

[swabes]

Thank you both so much, I thought I would find the OCD most challenging but  this really is straining us both.

I have tried very hard to be compassionate and understanding but it feels like I'm pulling both our weight at times. His upbringing wasn't a very loving one and i often find myself overcompensating for that.

I will definitely look into the links provided. It is just such a frustrating time and I feel like an old nag over everything when all i want to do is care and help, im just at a loss how and without burning out.

Reading the links will be a great help I think and I will definitely step back a bit and let him step up to the mark.
This whole scenario and the fact that the root of our relationship problems now has a name and is treatable is just very difficult. Thank you again, you habe no idea what it means to have someone experienced point me in the right direction after feeling so lost. I really want to help and save our chances together.

[Sandman2]

    Standing up an being a man is one thing.  Not being able to stand up because you don't know how is an entirely different matter.
   You say that, "He also uses his ADD as an excuse for every day problems which are not related to his ADD in anyway."   My question is do you have any idea how add or adhd can effect your daily life?   It literally effects everything that you do.  And if you are not aware of how it is effecting you, then how can you deal with it?  Both you and your finance need information.
For example when you say,  "I made him aware of his inappropriate behaviour, something which he asked me to do - but each time I do he resents for doing so."   I understand his feeling.  All his life this is what people have been doing to him.  What you need to do is to help him avoid these behaviors - not tell him that he has just screwed up.  To do so both of you need the information to understand what is happening.  There are sites that give lots of information on how to try and deal with the daily challenges of ad/hd.
   Its a little hard knowing what to recommend because I don't know what you do know or understand about it.  So lets start with the basics.
   this is probably one of the most comprehensive sites.  I have given you the link to the adult AD/HD page, but it also has tons more of informatiion.
      http://www.help4adhd.org/en/treatment/guides/WWK9
   Next, I would look at this site which is written by an adult with ADD.  It covers all the trial, errors, hardships, etc.  And also has a lot of good resources.  But I also like it because it shows that the person with AD/HD is not alone.  There are lots of other people out there with it - it's a matter of learning how to cope with it.  The site is
         http://jeffsaddmind.com/for-first-time-visitors
   Finally, (well not finally, as I've got lots more) this site is full of very practical ideas.     http://www.additudemag.com/channel/adult-add-adhd/index.html
     There is enough information here to keep both of you involved for quite a while.  Information is the key!   If you have any more questions or need more info, please ask.  
   And do understand that you are trying to be his counselor with no training on how to do so.  That is very difficult.  You might be able to be his guide.  You might be able to understand what he is going through, and thus understand why he does what he does.  But, don't put your self in the position of someone who gets paid big bucks for their expertise.  And, (in my own opinion) the most important thing will be how much he is willing to get the information that he needs to deal with this.  If he is not willing to go that far - then I agree with allmymarbles.  Best Wishes!!!

[allmymarbles]

Your relationship is taking an odd turn. Do you want a patient for a husband? And a recalcitrant one at that? If he does not stand up and be a man, you will lose respect for him. Not a good foundation for a marriage....