My wife abuses me

[jetx]

I have been abused by my wife since I got married. I have to admit that I have made a couple of decisions in my life that my wife wasn't happy about it that has made our lifes from an economic point of view more difficult. As a result of those decisions I get abused on a daily basis. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been feeling guilty and put up with it for the longest time. We have three children and if it wasn't for them I could take some action but I don't want to risk my children. I know that if we got a divorce she would make sure my life is as misarable as it can be. We met in the USA and when I finished my degree I wanted to go back to my country but she didn't want to come. I was madly in love and I decided to stay. We got married and that's when the abuse started. I had kept a few things to myself about my past relationship's. She started a brutal interrogation that lasted for six months. Every detail, every action, everything she demanded to know and didn't stop till she got all the information through mental torture. What I mean about mental torture is that she would ask me the same questions for hours, days, weeks, months, non stop. She would argue with me till early morning hours  non stop. And the next day and the next. Finally we got through that stage and life went back to "normal". This abuse has continued for different reasons. There is always seems to be a reson for her to abuse me. She is not happy with her life and I get the blame. That's OK. But is that a normal person's behaviour? Today again from the minute i wake up she has been shouting at me. 9 hours in a row non stop. Always the same things over and over. If you had bought a house when I told you!!!!! etc... etc...

[Barbarella]

Are you in any kind of therapy?  Staying in the marriage for the kids sake is not always the best.  Don't you think your kids overheard by now your wife yelling at you for hours?  Do you think its good for the kids to witness and hear that on a daily basis?

See if counseling can help you.  If not, and you do not want a divorce because of the kids I guess you are stuck.  Next time she yells endlessly can't you just walk out?  In the yard, go for a walk, a drive, take the kids with you if that makes you feel better.

Remember you only allow a person to do abusive things to you if you do not do anything about it.

[faithfulchild]

I am really sorry about what you are going through butThis is not normal you guys need to see a counselor immediately!

[jetx]

Thanks for your concern. Sometimes I walk out when she yells endlessly but sometimes if I try to walk out she will threaten to destroy everything in the house. And yelling in front of the kids has never stopped her. I can not reason with her.

[layne2000]

Your wife sounds very unhappy to me.
Are we getting the whole story? or are you not the angel you appear to be? lol
Sorry got to ask this as sometimes things are not  as they seem.

[Jaybay]

No, this behavior is not normal.  You and your wife are the only people in the world who know what your issues are, and you are the only people who can change this behavior.  I don't mean to say that YOU can change HER behavior (you can't), but if you are both willing to salvage your marriage, it can be done.  With small children involved, some kind of therapy would be useful - if for nothing else than proving to a judge that you tried to fix the relationship before heading to divorce court.  Who knows?  It might actually restore your marriage.  Can't hurt.  If your wife refuses to go, there isn't much you can do but try to make things as normal as possible for your children.  Can you at least get her to agree to stop the screaming in front of the kids?  Will she give you that much cooperation?

Successful counseling depends a great deal on how open you are to it, and the individual counselor.  If you end up going alone, a good therapist can help you learn how to deal better with the constant arguing without losing your mind.  I suggest a PhD psychologist for talk therapy rather than someone who is just graduated with a psychology degree and set up a counseling clinic.  An MD Pychiatrist will typically just push medications on you and not focus on talk therapy.  You may have to try several different ones before you find one you click with.  Your children deserve to have at least one stable parent, right?

[jetx]

It's a long story. When we lived in the USA I worked in the airline industry. My roster was very unstable. I would be gone for an average of four days followed by two or three days off at home. My wife worked in the airline industry as well. When our first child was born we had no family around and because it was almost an impossible task to coordinate rosters so someone could be at home I suggested her to quit her job. Wrong decision.She would have liked to continue to work. The only solution was to go back to her parents and for me to commute. At the time I didn't think that was a good idea. I had left my home country in the first place to be with her and now I would have to commute crosscountry on my days off to get to see my family. We were struggling to make ends meet. Then I get this call from my mother telling me that a friend of mine that I hadn't seen for years had called and wanted to talk to me. I gave my friend a call and he said that his company was hiring and if I was interested. I had a talk with my wife and she was not interested because she thought we would be better off staying in the US even if the money wasn't that good. I should have followed her advise. The problem is that she would always complain about our economic situation so I thought even though she thinks is not agood idea she will change her mind as soon as she sees what kind of life I can offer her in my country. By the way my mother should have never got involved but unfortunately she called too many times trying to convince us. And in a moment of weakness my wife agreed so I took the job. We had a good time. My second child was born. I was home every night. But something was missing in her life. Her job and her family. A year later the company run into trouble and I was laid off. We decided to head back to the USA to my inlaws. That was very humiliating for my wife since we had to stay with my inlaws and I was unemployed. That's when all her fury brokeout. I was to blame for the situation because after all it was my idea. For six months I worked with my father inlaw. She was furious with me. She called me every bad thing you can think of. I worked very hard to make up for my mistake but airlines were not hiring and my wife was always upset because I couldn't afford a place of my own and because she didn't have a job thanks to me. I felt guilty and put up with it as best as I could. Out of the blue I got a call from Europe and I was offered a great job. Needless to say this time my wife was very happy because we would be able to have a life again. We moved to Europe, bought a house, had another baby but again something was missing. She wanted to go back to the US with her family and she wanted to go back to work. I wish that it would be so easy. Raising three children is very expensive. Housing in the US is very expensive. Before we left the US my wife suggested buying a house. I wasn't in the mood. I was working for my father in law and though I was doing OK I didn't see that as a job that would allow me to pay for a mortgage. Now that we want to go back the houses are twice as expensive as they were before we left which makes moving back more difficult. 90% of our fights or her fights are related to my decisions in the past. She needs a house close to her family and she needs her job back and not until I can get that for her she will stop. And as times goes by she gets more and more upset. I am trying to correct things. At the moment I can not meet her needs. In my industry good jobs are very competitive. And that's what I need to meet her housing standards. It's not that simple. The other 10% of the issues are related to my family not meeeting her standards as they are according to her responsible for us being in this situation. It's true that I was influenced by them but my decision was based on giving my wife a better life from my point of view of course. Wrong decision again. I wish I could go back and change things.

[Curls]

Boy is this unbalanced.  You make decisions.  She participates.  You and she hold only you responsible for them.  It doesn't sound like you work well together as a team and that's something counseling can help.  It's hard to tell whether what she's doing is abuse or not from here.  Again a counseler just for you can help you tell.  Abuse is manipulative, put downs, and disproportionate, and actively isolating.  It's not just crazy-high levels of anger.

Sounds like you make decisions without working out the possibilities with her and persist until she gives in.  You take too much control, out of your own worries about how to care for a family.  Probably also out of an outdated  somewhat controlling view of male-female relationships.  Sounds like she blames you and takes no responsiblity for the decisions nor for the families well being herself.  She probably feels complete lack of control over the choices.

Staying together for kids in an unhealthy situation makes no sense.  Then they grow up with that as their model and meanwhile have to live with all the stress.

Your choices from here are any of
1. get counseling for yourself
2. invite her to join you
3. talk with your wife and actively ask her to help you figure out how to fix things and how to plan for your futures.  If she feels like she has more control, she might be much calmer.  Don't just apolgize or kowtow to her now...figure out how to work together.  You acknowledge here how upsetting all this has been for her.  Make sure you are acknowledging it to her too.  Ask her to acknowledge how much pressure you feel to keep the family cared for even beyond when she asks you too.
4. if you can't get to a calm healthy place, do what's best for your kids, leave.  If she can't get past where she's out given a good chance and some changes from you, sometimes you have to give up.

Hope something in here helps.

[Jaybay]

But you can't change them, and your wife is acting very childish expecting you to wave a magic wand and make her life all better.  She seems to have forgotten that her primary job right now is to be a Mommy.  When women have children, we have a choice: devote ourselves to being good mothers, or try to maintain a career while being a mother.  

Your wife is baiting you, and you're taking that bait and running with it.  She put her life in your hands and now isn't happy with the outcome.  Completely unfair.  Stop jumping through her hoops and start making your own decisions about what is right for your family.  Certainly ask for her input, but criticism isn't constructive input.  If that is all she can offer, you can choose to ignore it.  Again, she needs to get herself into some kind of therapy.  It sounds like she has a whole lot of issues to deal with and she can't do it alone.  Will she go?  Will you?

[Curls]

One more idea - get yourself and your wife checked out for depression and bipolar depression.  Both can lead to unreasonable anger.  Depression can have an odd effect on the family dynamics.

[jan10]

okay

[jan10]

Your situation sounds rather complicated. Ofcourse it is hard to judge a situation from just one side of a story. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of frustrations. Women who are full time mothers find it to be a very hard and challenging job and it is not uncommon to have a wife that is not too happy. Maybe she feels she has no control of her life and the decisions that you had made for you both. Unfortunately, in todays world its just too easy to walk out when the going gets tough. If you still love her, make future decions with her, do things to correct the situation, take the initiative to calm the situation down. Your kids will be watching and learning from your reaction as well. Good luck to you!

[jan10]

I really appreciate a lot for your inputs and your interest. It's a rather complicated situation which I created and it will take a lot of changes ta make it right. I don't think either of us is depressed. My wife's reaction to adverse situations has always been the same. A lot of anger for long periods of time. Things that i or somebody else said let's say ten years ago come up all the time as if it had happened yesterday. I on the contrary forget and forgive very quickly. I love my wife and I just hope that if I can giver back what i took from her she will change. Thanks once again to everybody for listening and expressing concern about my situation.

[Curls]

Jan, did you change ids?  Please don't be hasty judge the depression and bipolar for yourself.  I've seen it in people who would swear that wasn't going on.  In your wife's case it really might be the whole problem and a little pill could fix it all, especially since you say her anger has always been the same style.  I'm not talking about depression from circumstances...I'm talking about the chemical version that just happens.  Your description, "a lot of anger for long periods of time" is a classic sign.  It's a simple enough rock to overturn/check out.  It's your choices of course, but that's my experiences.  

Giving your wife back what "you took from her" won't fix things.  Those words are part of the same pattern you are in and have been in.  Changing the dynamics so that you both take responsiblity together, truly listen to each other, and most importantly work to make decisions together...that's what will change your marriage and your lives.  Can you look for some counseling or support group to help you get started?  As you said it's a complicated situation.  So, you deserve some help to sort it out, with outside and experienced perspectives.

Good success.  Let us know how it goes.

[faithfulchild]

After listening to you i really have to commend you for hanging in there. I think though that you need another strategy plan for your situation. So far you have been trying to "fix" things and playing the blame game. Obviously that is not working! Your wife complains about her not having a job, be near her family and that you have been making unwise decisions, you need to read between the lines. What she is actually trying to say is that so far she has sacrificed her family, independence and copmromised herself for you. She does not believe that you appreciates her decisions and therefore at the end of the day whatever she says does not matter to you. She gets mad and cals you name because its the only way she knows to get your attention. You need to be supportive by being a little more trusting on her part. Ask her opinions on things and do not just ask her and then go with your plan. Give her the chance to make decisions and demonstrate her independence once in a while, and even when it is a stupid choice that she makes you have to let her know that she has your support anyway.

She is obviously unhappy about the roles that she is playing in the family. She feels that she is not doing enough and therefore she is not cotributing enough. What about her girlfriends are they working? Does she even have a social life? What about the children's future are they secure? these are all things that can be driving her crazy.

One of the hardest lesson i had to learn was to sit by and let my husband take care of me when we had our daughter. I had a C-Section so i had to lay off the work for a while.  I felt helpless, weak and humiliated at first because it was all new to me and i hated feeling helpless. In my reliogion it is stressed that a man should be head of the family and should therefore take the leading role. But all my life i have been taking care of me so i found it completely hard to let someone take care of me. At times it makes me really angry and although i do not call him names i make it completely clear that i am furious none the less.

Tell her that you appreciate what she is doing  and get her to understand that the role that she is playing in the family is an invaluable one. You need to help her to understand that you and the rest of the family needs her.

I really hope this helped

[faithfulchild]

STOP TRYING TO FIX THINGS BY YOURSELF ASK HER TO HELP YOU. TELL HER THAT SHE WAS RIGHT AND YOU REALY WOULD APPRECIATE HER HELP IN HANDLING THE CONSEQUENCES.

[jetx]

Your comments are of great help. It's true that I have made decisions without taking her opinion into consideration. My primary responsability as a husband and a father of three is to take care of my family financially. I know my limitations as a person and as a professional and sometimes I can't accept her suggestions when I believe it will but put our future at risk. I have been unemployed before and I dread being in that situation again. But you are absolutely right. I should let her know more often how important her contribution to the family is and let her make more decisions even if I disagree with them. My wife likes to take risks and doesn't worry about a negative outcome. I am the opposite way. Making decisions together will change our marriage and our lives. It's true. I just hope that it's not to late. She expects her life to be the way that she thought it would have been if she had made the decisions but even if I try my best there is no guarantee that I can meet her expectations. And if I don't ... Should there be such a fine line between success and failure? I wish there wasn't.

[Jaybay]

BOTH of you need to forget about this idea of "meeting expectations".  You are a couple.  You make decisions for your family together and live by the consequences together.  Get it?  Nobody, and no couple, can make some kind of a life plan and expect it to come true.  All you can do is deal with what you've got.  You use your own brains, your own abilities, and live the best life you can.  Your wife's job is to be a Mommy - and it's a BIG job!  If she can somehow find a way to contribute money to the household, more power to her.  If you are the only breadwinner, then you both need to figure out how to manage your money.  Marriage is a hard business - and it really is a business when you think about it.  The husband and wife are equal partners.  Your wife takes risks; you dont take risks.  Surely there is something in the middle that you can both agree on?  

Marriage is work.  It isn't all just love and sex and having babies, as you already know.  You and your wife seem to be polar opposites in many things, so both of you are going to have to compromise in certain areas to make your marriage work.

[Curls]

I'm so glad to hear what you said to faithfulchild.  You're on the right track!  All the best.

[jo929]

it seems to me that you must enjoy the way things are or you would not have ans tthe first question she asked and it really does seems that you enjoy this or you would be gone pronto you can always file custody to see you children think what they have to listen to it is not just you and your wife the chilldren will grow up beleivin that as a way of life get out and both of you can have some peace also maybe the children will have some quiet              Madame

[dove3053]

So what were the mistakes you made?

Dove

[jetx]

Biggest mistake I made was to discourage my wife to keep her job after giving birth to our first child. My job involves irregular working hours and overnights and my wife's job is very similar. I didn't think it was going to be possible for her to continue to work.

[jetx]

I don't enjoy the way things are. It's difficult to explain why I haven't left. For the longest time I felt I was risponsible for the situation that i had created so I took the abuse. Now nothing much has changed. I should leave but I can't. First of all I feel it's wrong for me to go. I take the abuse and hope that one day it will stop. I feel sad for the kids because they watch every scene. Yesterday i lost controll of myself and broke quite a few things in front of their eyes and then I grabed my wife and pushed her to the floor. I had been listening to her complaining and insulting for over four hours. I should have left and go for a drive but I didn't this time. I regret that very much. it's not the first time that i loose it. It's happen before once or twice. i have never been a violent person and now she can accuse me of being abusive. She can't stop herself. My family's wife have noticed that i have changed since I first met them. I feel like i have been fighting a war for years and wars change people. I have never told anybody because I feel it would be a betrayal to my wife. At the moment I can't see any other solution. I am working to make things right again. It might take me another six months or so. Then if the situation doesn't change I will give up for everybody's sake. if I could go back in time I would change many things. I fear for my future. I have never seen my parents fighting. My children are witnessing ugly scenes. i feel sad and trapped.

[jo929]

i see that your mind is made up and i do not think anyone is going to chane it .it would appear that you do not have any self confidence, also the children are still watching mom and dad and now violence ,sometimes one can be pushed to far and then what happens i really am worried you think you can make things right but you cannot turn the clock back and if you get to mad then think what you might do i still think a seperation for now might make you both do a little thinking as long as she has the upper hand you will just keep trying then i shudder to think what might happen i do wish that i could offer you hope on  the decision you made but i dont feel  that your way is going to work and yoy seem to be so stubborn on what you are going to do  so all i can do is wish you all the best

[jetx]

Your comments are appreciate it. You might be right. I am very stubborn but I feel that I have to give it a try. Thanks.