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anybody relate

in recovery from alcohol since may 1990 im 56 now have been thru 5 bypass in 97 have torn rotator cuffs insuline diabetic kidney transplant last feb 2012 been on hydrocodone 10s 6 a day for 14 years then got caught up on suboxene then was doing both would eat 180 pills with help from a friend would run out take the subs to cut withdrawl. this is day 4 of nothing feeling crappy and depressed gots some rids today take edge off. what does one do or has in my situation this has gotten this way after transplant just dont seem to have the fortitude to say when i have been strong willed im a dedicated cyclist of 23 years even last year got 10000 mi even tho 70% was inside i know if i stop i will be dead its the one thing that the docs say keep me living . i just beat myself but dont stop believe me im not making excuses it just pisses me off i let it get this way
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