felling rock bottom

[stilltrying1965]

Well after 6 realy happy days i dont understand why i feel so sad today. the last week has been amazing kim thinks its like living with a different man the house full of laughter but today iv been so quiet drugs on my mind iv tryed everything to stop all those negative feelings i pray its just 1 day as i cant and wont go back to feeling like this all the time. Is it ok to have a bad day. I was at the doctor this morning and i wanted to stop my valium but she wont let me as my seizures get that bad but who is she to decide what i want to take and what i dont want to. Thats not fare i want of all my meds as the valium could cause this to happen i was great all week till i got my refill today i dont no the cause of this but its realy got me down and iv tryed everthing to be happy is it ok to feel like this now and again as i dont understand whats happening to me especially today ,,,,,,James

[stilltrying1965]

Aye thats how many a used to take but only 60mg a day now but they give me 2 weeks at atime 84 every 2 weeks but a try no to take all them as they make me feel all drowsy and a dont like that feeling anymore i like to be in control but am going to ask my doctor if a can stop taking them but under the doctors supervision as everybodys tells me its dangerious to just stop but a keep telling the doctor am no wanting to take them anymore and Kim says she will come way me to see the doctor and see what can be done to get off them thanks sophie x PS Kims going to pm you tonight so as you can send that book,,,,,,,James

[SophieShine]

That's insaaaaaane!!! 110mg of valium would knock a horse down for a week!!!

I understand the dr that told him to keep on taking 60mg and I never thought I'd say that believe me. But in James' case it seems to be like a maintenance dosage...

Maybe he could try to go lower WITH dr's supervision and a VERY slow tapering plan if he really wants to BUT now is definitely not the right time, one battle at a time, you can't win them all simultaneously, unfortunately...
Don't forget that the fact that he used for so long took it's toll on his body. James is a very strong man, (I'd be dead 20 times!!!) but still he's gotta take his meds for his heart condition and for any medical condition he has. He just has to take them as prescribed and not all at once.

[stilltrying1965]

Yes sara hes on carbramazapine too. Hes also on a hrt spray for his angina, but when he used to take them all at once when he first got them he was actually bouncing off the walls coz he wasnt used to tablets like that, but i think they went overboard with them all. A few years ago james had a cpn (community physiciactric nurse) and he said he didnt think that james would ever be able to completely come off diazepam altogether due to the time hes been taking them and the reasons hes taking them. He said it might just be even 1 or 2 but he honestly didnt think he could come off them altogether, it was too risky so i dunno, what do you think. I think he might have to take even 1 or 2 a day if its the only thing that keeps his seizures away...Kim

[stilltrying1965]

I know Gizzy but do you know something, he actually used to get 110mg a day and its took him nearly 20 years to cut down to 60mg coz in they days they just handed them out like sweets. James was actually at one time the highest prescribed diazepam person in Edinburgh. It was a shambles and took 20years as i said to get down to that, although he used to refuse to come down them coz he used to swap some for H. It was only when they started tightening the laws up they started going down, even now i dont know anyone who gets that amount of diazepam. By the way he also used to get 60mg Temazepam on top of that to help him sleep. But theyr much stricter now, that would never happen now....Kim

[dominosarah]

Is he on other seizure meds?

[gizzy32]

OMG, 60 mg a day? I have taken diazepam, I think they were 5mg pills? I know I don't know much bout valium and stuff, but that is a crazy amount.

[stilltrying1965]

Hi Sophie, he gets 60mg of diazepam a day which is quite a big amount. Its not even legal now to give that amount out to people in this country now. The thing is that they do depress him a bit, but im going to speak to him later and im going to go in and see his doctor myself and see what she says. Ill sort him out very soon lol  im gonna pm you soon with that address Sophie before i actually do do him a severe injury (joking, not lol). Kim

[stilltrying1965]

Oh tell me about it sara, i sometimes wonder how iv never actually done him a severe injury lol

[dominosarah]

Thanks Kim......god he is stubborn!!!      

[stilltrying1965]

Hi everyone, its Kim, hes away in the shower so ill just nip on lol. Hes been like this for ages coz of these valium. His doctor has told him that he CANT do it, but he thinks coz he came off heroin, he can come off diazepam, but he got them to control seizures. James has had very serious head injuries which caused the seizures so i dunno what hes thinking about, hes had some real bad seizures. The thing is when he was taking the H, he used to only keep a small amount of valium and swap the rest for H, so he thinks that just coz he only took a couple then he can do that now, but hes been taking them more reguarly.Wev had quite a bad day today with a personal family matter and i think its maybe wound him up a bit. Hes got the music blaring in the shower sara lol  I told him he was going to get his *** kicked. Ill do it myself in a minute if he doesnt get that stubborn head off lol.....Kim

[dominosarah]

James.....you know bloody well that you cant stop the valium ct.  Get that thought out of your head.  You will be setting yourself up for a ton of problems if you just stop.  You may not agree with the doctor but you need to respect that decision given your issues with seizures.  Got any music going there?  If you do turn it up and dance like noone is watching..........sara

[SophieShine]

here's some info on benzo; http://www.benzo.org.uk/
and an example of tapering plan: http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzsched.htm#s2
Now don't get me wrong, This is to give you an idea of how a tapering plan is like, you have to do this under supervision of a doctor James. Valium is a long acting benzo with a long half life and it's mostly what they switch you on to start the taper BUT you really need to see an addiction specialist to help you there....

[gizzy32]

We all have bad days from time to time James, it's normal. I am happy to hear you had a great week and stayed positive. Keep busy today and get all the support you can, tomorrow will be better. Can you talk to your dr about tapering off the valium?

[SophieShine]

you have to taper it off James how much do you take a day?

[stilltrying1965]

Aye but it should no be up two doctors way what am wanting to do its my life so how am a ment to stop taking valium ,,,James

[SophieShine]

Hey James!
Sorry you feel so bad today but feeling down is part of life, it's no fun but at least you're not numbing yourself anymore to escape it. Be glad you CAN feel down...
As for the Valium, you know you can't stop it, it's a benzo, you'll have to taper it off slowly, I can help you there if you want to but I'd wait to be more stable before starting a tapering plan right now.... Holler if you need me, you know I'd be more than happy to help you and to give you advice!
Sending you strength and love over The Channel, give a big kiss to Kim for me!
xoxoxo. sophie.

[Amaryllis1974]

Hey James,
We can not FEEL the good without the BAD. It's so normal, so don't read too much into it. Just accept that you are in that place today, and I promise, if you TRULY accept it, it will change (or your perspective will).
You are so loved, remember that.
Amy

[stilltrying1965]

I have 200 plus clean days from taking heroin for 13 years this is really hard today though and thanks Cathy i will go for that walk i think and try and clear my head ,,,, James

[Jaybird30]

It will pass!  You need to know that first off.  I always try to do something to get the mind working on something.  Distracting yourself really!  I don't know how many clean days you have or how long you used but I went 20 days on first detox and felt normal after about a week!   Then I thought I could eat a pill here and there and be fine but that didn't work either.  I used for about a month straight and now close to starting day 4 again(dumb$&@)!  Feeling great so far today but know the mental stuff will happen sometime today but I also know it is temporary!

[cathy5841]

James, remember everyone has bad days...EVEN NON_ADDICTS....it is okay to have a bad day!!!  dont let it get you down....head out for some exercise and get those endorphins flowing!!!