the big day is tomorrow

[alexandra fox]

Hello everyone, it is Tuesday morning here where I am, and though I never thought it would come, this is my last day using god willing. My last exam is this evening, so my last dose of pills will be mid to late afternoon, and then that's it. Long holidays before the next session begins, a perfect opportunity to regain that strong foundation in recovery that I had for the first five years or so after getting clean originally.

My feelings are confilicted. On the one hand, I can't wait. This past month has been absolutely the worst I have experienced in a very long time, finding this forum was the saving grace that led me to getting totally honest with myself, with you guys and with a couple of freinds who have become my support system. My health deteriorated badly, I had dreadful swelling of legs and face, and again it was the very kind ppl here that reassured me and gave me advice, very much appreciated because I was truly freaked out. And my study and work were very affected, no preparation for exams, lots of stress and fear and self hatred and disappointment. And a few issues on the personal relationships front. Through all this, no pleasure or relief in the pills, all that long gone, its probably been a year of using simply to not get sick rather than to enjoy. For all these reasons, and a dozen more, I cant' wait.

However, I am also having moments of deep, bowels-turn-to-water kind of fear, really intense. I know this is normal, I am so blessed to have my past drug use and recovery experience behind me, I  know that the promises of a better, happier, free life are absolutely true, and I can much more easily muster the faith that all will be well. But that fear is still there. Not so much about hanging out I don't think (although if the truth be told, I really am not looking forward to this at all - when I was a heroin addict, it was such a regular event that I almost developed a kind of 'immunity' to it. Having been clean and physically comfortable for so many years, I have become a wee bit weak - but I am prepared, got vitamins and amino acids and anti histamine sleep aid etc). The fear is plain old fear of the new, fear of change, fear of losing my perceived crutch and support - and I emphasise perceived, becasue the pills do not help me cope, they help me avoid, deny, postpone but they diminish my ability to truly cope and get through things.

At the moment, about 90% excited, 10% scared. I look forward to sharing my journey and my feel-better strategies on this forum as I go along. If anyone else will be on Day 1 clean on wednesday, I'd love to hear from you, we can cheer each other on.

Alex

[mlconnell]

I am so happy for you. I in still on day 2 and hurting quite badly but I am asking thr lord to send his angels and comfort you now and forever. Everything will be OK.

[natalile]

That's it hun there done dusted now it's you time i no your ready. You've been ready for this for along time now you no to just keep posting we're all here for you every day you've help so many of us me include now it's our toun we'll all beat this together. all the best hun your energy will come back with a bang you can have some fun. I no your strong enough to put the hard work in you no how good the benifit's are keep posting nat :)

[wait2long]

I'm routing for ya hun!!!!  also, i'm here if you need to chat, my e-mail is in my profile...good luck!!!  stay positive and keep your chin up, as hard as it may seem....

[alexandra fox]

Hello to all you lovely people who replied with words of encouragement, thank you!

MY EXAMS ARE DONE!!!!! YOU BEAUTY!!!!!!!!!!! SUCH A LOAD OFF ME. Oh its been such a lousy month, but now my academic year is finished and I can begin what I most need to do for myself, regain my clean-ness, restore my physical health, my spiritual connection to myself and my spirit, to have some fun, to address parts of my life that I have avoided or feared - time to move on from this 3 year long period of treading of water, slowly sinking as my energy grows less.

Now a few more percentage points have moved to the fear side of the equation. I am going to add a bit to my journal here on line, more specific plan on how to get through tomorrow - no pills and no classes, a big change to routine, and I know enough about myself that having a written plan does help me.

Thank you so much everyone! I look forward to telling you all, in spectacular technicolour detail LOL, all the sympoms that will make their way through my body....;-)

Jess - let me know which course of action you end up taking

[anotherfinemess]

I am as excited about this as you are! Congratulations on getting through your exams (1 more to go!).  That is no small feat! We're all here for/with you.

[KRC1959]

Good day my China Plate, You have taught me alot about myself and you. As stated above, you have a remarkable way of providing the meaning of your words and feelings towards others and yourself. Truly Gifted and talented. Your soul searching has made you a better person already, and your next battle of your innerself is going to be that much easier. I think you have already won the battle, maybe not the war just at this moment but the Battle at hand, You are prepared and as any soldier in battle, always just a little afraid, but when you start tomorrow that adrenaline is going to flow through you and Nothing, I mean nothing is going to stop you. I know you. And you know what I mean. We are all proud of your commitment to end your oldself and start anew, which you have done before in certain ways. This will be no different. I am 5 days tomorrow and you are going to be just a few hours behind me. OK MATE.
                                                                      JayDean

[lurker]

Glad to hear you're almost done with exams.  I think you'll be able to do this and are stronger than you think. Admitting you are 10% afraid is good as it means you're being realistic.  I hope that you will keep posting during your withdrawals period - I know that we are all asleep when you're awake and vice versa but  I promise if I can't sleep I'll get on-line and see if you're up and about and posting!!
Congrats on taking this first step to a substance free life!

[flmagi]

We're all here for you every step of the way. Don't be afraid. Good luck for tommorrow.
Magi

[allaboutmary]

I am further along 25 days, but I will be cheering you all on.  Go Go Go . Stay strong.  get clean.   Mary
P.S Alex you put feelings so nicely into words. You have a great talent.

[mlconnell]

I am day one clean today from 600 50 Mg Tramadols in 60 days and I can relate to you in so many ways. I am flashing off and on with the cold sweats now and really wanting to cry. I will definantely keep you in my prayers and will share again with you if you want.

Michael

[jessica555]

Hey there!
I too will be either cold turkeying it from methadone...ugh!!!  Or else I will be in worse, with precipitated withdrawals from taking suboxone.  I dont know yet which it will be until tomorrow morning.  I am hoping my Dr can get me in to dose on the sub but I screwed up and took the last of my methadone today which I was strictly told not to take anything 48 hrs prior to the sub or I will be in a much worse state of withdrawal.  So either way I have w/d's starting tomorrow.....so cheers to us and our sobriety.  Lets keep in touch.  I will update you tomorrow morning (tues. here in the states).  Good to know someone else will be going thru the same thing at the same time for support.   Talk to ya soon.....Jess

[what2donow]

That is wonderful!I am on hour 42 clean!I will be here for you along your journey!Keep posting and you are in my thought and prayers!Remember drink lots!!

Lots of love
Jennifer