Feeling human again...

[jen2331]

Today is my 4th full day on Sub.  I am waking up 2 hrs earlier than usual.  I am getting the kids fed, dressed, to school/pre-school, getting to work on time/early, eating, still can't sleep well but not complaining, reading, writing, communicating with my kids/husband, handling finances, making and keeping appts., getting involved with my kindergarteners progress at school by talking to his teacher, and so on...

Before this, less than a week ago, I woke up daily with a dreaded feeling of depression and desperation, angry, scared, vulnerable, weak, uneasy, sick and tired, restless, frustrated, and completely unhappy.  I had my percs/vics/oxys, which I thought was all I needed to feel complete, so I couldn't figure out how I would ever snap out of it.  The pills had turned on me and I no longer was getting high, but using them to maintain a feeling of "normalcy" and not go into w/d.  I had no idea of how depressed I was.  I now realize that I was just existing.  I wanted to die, truly.  I saw no way out.  True desperation with nowhere to turn and no options I could see.  

I was spending every dime we made, secretly, on my ever growing, expensive habit.  I had been here before, but not to this extent.  I had been sober for 3 years before the surgeries that got me hooked again.  I had gone through such severe w/ds that time that I will never forget.  I couldn't do it again.  This had been my secret for the past year.  My marriage was steadily falling apart, my job was a huge burden, my kids drove me crazy and acted out all the time.  And to think of having severe w/d while holding it all together while everything was hanging by a thread made me more suicidal and hopeless.

By the time I went to the dr. last Friday I was truly desperate.  I know I'm not cured and I have a ton of work ahead of me but I have something today that I was truly lacking - hope.  I am now addicted to reading all of your stories and replies and relating to everyone and everything.  When I can't sleep in the middle of the night, I read what you write.  During the day when I can't focus at work, I come here and I get in gratitude and face work and responsibility again.  I'm ready to begin the next phase of this journey and grow, change and live again.

jen

[bbrowneyes]

iam 40 years old raiseing my grandson he is 5 iam hook on pain relevers what do i do i cant make it threw the day with out them.

[dominosarah]

All things are possible when we have hope~~~~~~~~~sara