Help..Mom is stoned/fried/both??

[Hope75]

My mom is bipolar and has been a binge drinker/prescription pill addict for 17 years now.  During her last episode, Dec. 2006, she was acting crazy and kept complaining about her tailbone/back hurting and NOTHING helped.  I would ask if she would go to the chiropractor, which she says hurt her.  Then I said go to a physical therapist - they discharged her.  She says she has arthritis, but she is only 56.  So in Dec. 06, she drove to a pain clinic, one hour away and demanded pain pills.  They locked her out of the clinic and she faked a seizure on the sidewalk.  An ambulance and a cop picked her up and took her to the ER, where she assaulted a police officer and a nurse.  She was taken to jail for 8 days, where I refused to bail her out because she has done this stuff so much - I wanted her to hit her bottom.  She was hooked on painkillers - Darvocet.  She will take any pill you throw at her.  Well, it is Dec. again and I think she is starting up again.  She called yesterday and said she hit her head on the toilet and cracked the toilet after falling in the bathroom.  She was taken to the hospital by my aunt who says she had no bumps on her head and was sent home with a diagnosis of "severe whiplash".  She has "fallen" several times and 'hurt' herself.  I saw her over Thanksgiving and she acted like a 90 year old woman, shuffling her feet, every movement was slow and not thinking clearly.  She was active, healthy and had two black belts in martial arts just 17 years ago - and now she is like this.

My question:  do you think she is still taking pain killers, or has she fried her brain after over a decade of abuse??  Or is it a little of both?  I know that she seems fine when she is off all drugs, but then starts the 90 yr old act every winter.  Do you have back pain when you aren't getting pain pills you are addicted to?  Do I take her word for it and believe that her back just plain hurts?  What am I supposed to do with her?  She is pitiful.

Thanks for any feedback.

[DKRaider]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation....I'm also sorry to say I don't think you can believe what an active addict tells you...we'll say anything to get our drug of choice and tell people lies after lies. It will only get better for her when she is ready to quit. I'm sure their are plenty of people you can talk to about her to help yourself...the hardest thing to do is disconnect from somebody you love but you can't let her disdurb your life....there will be plenty of suggestions from people here on the forum just hold on ok. I wish you nothing but the best....
DK

[m_i_strongenuf]

Hi Hope~
do you not believe she has arthritis because she's only 57? Let me tell ya, I am 41 and was diagnosed over 10 years ago, it's in All my joints, neck being the worst. Now, whether or not it's a legitimate claim in regards to "excuses" for drugs...who knows. Like DK said, we will say anything if we are using and need a fix. Although I have do several legitimate "chronic pain issues", in the past I also had several unexplained "falls", if you know what I mean. However, I do know that narcotic pain medicine doesn't really do a whole lot for arthritis, there are many meds on the market these days that are very effective and aren't addicting. They actually help the problem, instead of covering it... and you can't abuse them.

honestly, if you're saying this behavior only happens when the cold weather comes, there are few things that could be going on. She may have actual pain (I know I slow to a crawl this time of year!) which is exaserbated by the cold. OR maybe she slips into depression for some reason, which does lower our natural pain tolerance, thus making the pain worse. And if she's depressed and in pain, she really does believe she needs to be medicated. OR she's still an active user and any real pain that she may have, just happens to get worse in the winter months??

Do you know if she could be suffering from depression? was there ever an "incident" in the winter, a death, divorce, etc., that the memories come back to the surface this time of year? I'm not a doctor, but I do have an AA in psychology (I know, go figure!). Believe me, if she's depressed and an addict...she needs your help and support.  before you write her off completely, just try to see if you can find anything that could be a clue to whether she's using again, talk to her, call her on it and watch her closely (reactions to questions, etc). She's your mom, and it's harder for us to lie to our children than anyone else, I didn't say impossible, just harder!

Good luck to you and your family. We're all here to help. You can send me a private message anytime you'd like if you want to talk about depression, I'll help the best I can. I'm always around!

~shelly~

[m_i_strongenuf]

after I read what I wrote, I want to clarify something:

I know you said your mom is Bi-polar, and I asked you about her being depressed, which sounds like i'm crazy, but there is a difference.  While the bi-polar syndrome is caused from a lack of certain brain-chemicals, as is clinical depression, I just meant is there something "inparticular" that could be making her worse this time of year?
Hope that makes more sense??
=o

[lost28]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.  i know what its like to have a mom you have to take care of.  My mom is an alcoholic, 62, and refuses to quit!  The problem is that these meds do control your life!  Beleive me I know, but you need to take care of yurself first and allow her to bottom out.  I also have a daughter whose bi polar and if she's not on her meds she goes nuts!  Is she taking anything for the bi polar?  Unfortunately sometimes it takes some longer to bottom out than others and then some never do.  All you can do for her right now is love her and pray that she doesn't hurt herself.  You and your family need to be on the same page so that she knows your not going to help her get the pills everytime she says she's fallen or hurt herself.  Eventually she'll nobody to go to and that might be the best thing for her.  Keep your head up and just know your not alone.

[GoingToMakeIt]

Oh my. You are in a tough place. I am sorry that you have to go through this. First and foremost, you have to take care of yourself. As to whether she is still taking pain pills. The hard truth is, unless you know she quit, she probably is. These pills, esp. the lack of them, absolutely drive you crazy until you get more of them. That what addiction is. In your case it is more complicated with your mom's bi-polar condition. Are there any counselors (church or otherwise) that you can turn to. This is for you, not her. You need to be fully equipped with as much help and advice you can get. As you probably know, unless your mom wants to be helped, it probably won't happen. It is hard enough when you want to quit. If you aren't fully convinced to quit, you won't.
Keep in touch. I and ALL on this board are here to offer as much support as we can.
Take care of yourself.

[1234betterlife]

i am so sorry for you. you are in a terrible spot. i agree that YOU are the one to focus on. unfortunately you cannot just turn off love and worry for those so close to you . especially your mother. she is in a bad place and needs mental health services badly. you could try narcanon for yourself. i wish i had more to help you with. please keep posting.

[Hope75]

Thanks all, very much.  It is great that people take time to help someone they do not know.  To answer some of the above questions, I do have weekly counseling.  It is the only thing that has kept me sane.  I have struggled with severe panic attacks/anxiety and have been doing pretty well the last 4 years, even through all my mom has put me through.  And yes, I do believe she can have arthritis, but it doesn't make you act like a zombie - which is where I think the pain meds come in.  I am now struggling with unexplained pain - burning pain in my feet among other strange physical symptoms that remained unexplained.  I thought I had MS last year, now it is down to fibromyalgia.  Go figure, with all the stress I have dealt with for years.  I am doing everything in my power to not take any pain meds - so far so good.  Anyway, yes, my mom has been medicated with every bipolar med known to man for 20 years.  She used to be okay between episodes of drinking, but now she is never okay.  She is a sad shell of a person, it is heartwrenching.  I have tried everything, and I mean everything to help her.  I am finally at a place of detachment, but I still question myself when situations like this come up.  I feel like a real *** sometimes, maybe, cold-hearted.  But that is what I have to do to save myself.  I honestly don't want to see her anymore, ever.  Sadly, I wish she would disappear.  But, that won't happen, I will continue to go see her, feel sad, and she will continue to be a shell of a human.  The mother I knew has long since left me.  That's the way it will be, I know.  

[IBKleen]

Hope,

My heart breaks for you. Here you are grown and the tables are turned. It is so sad.

Keep on taking care of yourself lady. Be GOOD to yourself.

I know you saying that you wish mom would disappear comes from anger, and that is understandable. Keep your distance but don't cut her out of your life. I say this because some day she will be gone and I would hate to see you deal with guilt on top of everything else.

She is your mother and I know you love her. It is OK not to LIKE her, or who she has become.

Take care of yourself and post anytime you need to.

[xyborx]

This is very difficult... But try not to get too caught up in the emotions of love; take a more intellectual approach, and remember that 'true love' requires devotion to knowledge - it is more than just a feeling. Do not be a slave to your own ignorance or she will drag you down with her.

Good luck.

[loriegurl]

Honey her addiction is something that you will never fully understand and you cant help her UNLESS she truly wants it. Let her know you love her but that you will not enable her or support her unless she is making progress in getting clean. It is called "tough love" and she may hate u  at 1st but eventually she will want to be clean. Until then, there is very little that you can do. God bless you and I will  keep u in my prayers.
I pray God that you will give hope strenght, will power and courage to do the right thing. Also give her the wisdom to know how to handle this mess. she is not an addict and it is very hard to understand. BLess her Lord and keep her strong in the struggle. amen.

[xyborx]

Exactly... love is very tough and in the absence of divine intervention, one really must learn to use all of their brain.

[angel456]

have hope. 1st-have your feet examined by a neurologist. may be nerve damage somewhere. i just found out, thru a mri. i have a syrinx in my spinal canal. and degenerative disc disease + others. take care of YOU. 2nd drinking and drugging Do NOT mix. a combination can indeed cause mental instability, also combined with stress depression who knows what else your mom has. It is her choice to see a therapist, to take the doctore's advice and to do what she can for herself. you cannot carry her to the doctor, you cannot get into her head and try to change her.  you cannot let anger desstroy what you feel for your mom. 3rd -im happy your getting therapy and kudos to you for caring enough to post this concern about your mom. I grew up sexually abused , tortured and threatened by many in my town. i was also threatened with a knife by my mom in one of her and i's drunk episodes. it takes two to tango. i had such a hatred for her , we were both in alcohol addiction and our home was dysfunctional. i sobered up and before my mom died, i did a personal inventory and made amends to her. ever since , the time before she died, she would say how proud of me she was. ive been sober 27 yrs now. my ma and dad died two years apart. and my oldest sister a couple years after they did. but im so thankful i didnt go on hating her. i had to let go of that 'hurt abused child' within and allow my mature woman to come forth. please keep the hope and dont block out your mom. be an example and continue to be a friend to her. detachment is important. to thy own self be true, be firm.

[Curls]

Check out NAMI - National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, which can point you to the local chapters.  Over the years they've developed peer to peer programs that get rave reviews.  Many of them will know exactly what you are going through, and may be able to give you guidance and ideas from the legal & medical systems, to your own feelings, to options you may not know about.  This is such a tough situation for you to have to deal with...all the best success with it.

[Hope75]

You guys are GREAT.  Wonderful advice from all of you.  I am stressed this morning, talked to her yesterday.  She said she had a headache (go figure, hitting the toilet with your head).  But, the conversation turns silent and I don't know what to say.  I just make small talk and it ends abruptly, but I always say I love you.  My mom's brother (my uncle) committed suicide with a gun in March, which was no help to her already weak mental status.  It was devastating to the whole family and still is.  He never drank or did drugs, just was a hard working man who had had enough depression and anxiety I suppose.  Then, her sister admitted herself to an alcohol abuse center 2 months ago.  They are all screwed up - I hope and pray I don't turn out like them.  So, my chest pain and anxiety this morning is all about pent up stress, anger, sadness.  I must not be fully detached then, huh:0)  I won't cut her out of my life, I don't have the heart for that.  I am not an addict and I thank God for that!  I have many other problems, but that is one thing I have avoided so far.  And I say "so far" because I have dealt with so many loved ones with addiction, that I know that anyone is susceptible.  Nobody can claim to be immune to it.  We are all human and flawed, it just depends on what our journey brings to us and what choices we make in our journey.  Thanks again for all your help - will update you as things go along:0)

Take care all!