How to quit benzodiazapines after 22 years of usage?

[angst]

I have PTSD and borderline personality d/o.  I am not a strong borderline.  I hold down jobs for long periods and I'm not sexually overactive.  I've been in therapy for 7 years with a PhD in psychology.  All my doctors, since I was 14 years old have placed me on one or another benzo.  I've tried SSRI's and the new neuroleptics.  I've tried all the new anticonvulsants.  I am a nurse without a license because of my addiction to opiates.  I live in a state where methadone is illegal for treatment.  I travel across state line to obtain it.  This time it saved my life.  I do not misuse the xanax or whatever benzo I am taking at the time.  I know one of the side effects is memory loss.  I cannot function without it.  I am home bound.  I cannot work, take my child for outings, or drive.  Will I ever be able to get off the benzodiazapines like the licensure board wants.  I do not want to practice nursing right now.  I do not want to be around the drugs.  I am changing my career.  Do I need a good psychiatrist instead of my internist who treats me for asthma.
Asthma is another reason I take the benzodiazapines.  A SL xanax will help stop a broncospasm after I've had my albuterol inhaler much quicker than without the xanax.  What are your thoughts?  I always tell my doctors that I am an opiate addict on methadone.  I give them a list of all my meds.  I take trazadone to help sleep.  But I usually get less than 18 hours of sleep anyway.  Can you help?

[skipper]

angst:
welcome to the forum, always room for just one more addict, come
in!

about the benzo's...ithink your best bet is klonopin, but maybe
your doc has more insight. i've never (yet) been addicted to
benzos, but back in the mid 70's i had me a ripper of a penta-
barb habit. i was working in a medical research unit and had ac-
cess to 100 ml vials of pentabarbitol. i think there was 300 mg./
ml/ (5 grains). i used to wake up with rug burns from my face to
my feet after a good night of shooting that pure **** into my
veins. at the lab it was used for "putting down dogs" (1 ml for
every 2 kilograms)

i was detoxed in a psych ward. they used the Berkly Method, which
involves switching you over to pheno-barb. i had several seisures
and *word salad* (know what that is? if so i feel sorry for you).
they dosed me with 1/4 grain phenos. my early doses filled dixy-
cups! i think it took a total of about 12 weeks to detox me.
there are beter methods in use now. i believe the berkly method
is one of the cruelest ways to go. it got me off that **** though

the worst drug i've ever w/d from were barbs. i've since been an
extensive opiate abuser. opiate w/d is a childs cake walk com-
pared to barb w/d!

i wish you the best of luck getting off the methadone. just keep
telling yourself "if it doesn't kill me (getting off it), it will
make me stronger!

please keep posting and keep an angel on your shoulder!
kip

[Seamstress]

I had a friend who did the phenobarb taper. She didn't have any of your problems but she did suffer protracted withdrawl which thankfully, has resloved after 6 months of hell.  I'd never recommend that.  As Jafco points out, if the medication is necessary for you quality of life, then by all means stay on it. There is a big difference between addiction and dependency.  As an addict and abuser, I can tell you that.  I wish I could take it responsibly because I believe it would help me but unfortunately, that's not in the cards for me.

[jafco]

It's sounds like you have been through alot and I wish you well. Do what you need to do to have the best quality of life you can, even if it involves medication for now. I know that feeling about not having the meds there for you. It's not a good feeling, which is one of the reasons why I quit. I just got tired of spending all my time worrying when I'm going to run out and if I'm going to able to get my prescription refilled early. Or if they were going to cut me off all together. I agree that there are a lot of different opinions on how to manage addiction. The most important thing is that it is safely and compassionately done. So go with what feels right for you.

All the best

Jafco

[angst]

I can manange to take the xanax as prescribed.  The doctor would be upset with me if I came back early or started doctor hopping.
I'm lucky to have him, and I do not want to risk losing him.  He knows I am on methadone.  I get 6 take outs and do not abuse them.  The thought of not having my dose for the next day keeps me straight.  Thanks for the support.  Excuse my ignorance, but what is protracted withdrawal?

[angst]

I hope I got the nickname right.  That sounds terrible.  I probably would have been in that shape if I had stayed on the rehabs recipe of 5 drugs for my xanax.  I was pretty messed up when I got out of that place.  My psyche is building itself up more by the day.  I feel more real and less surreal.  Thanks for the answer.

[angst]

When I entered my last rehab for having a positive UDS at work.  I am an RN and worked in a busy, poor private hospital.  They took me off the xanax completely and put me on phenobarb for a couple of weeks.  That is when I had the heart attack.  The phenobarb did nothing for me except give me a terrible headache.  I know it is a potent barbituate.  I sister took it for epilepsy for over 30 years.  I was on 360mg/day for 3 days, then 270/day for 3 days, then 180mg etc...  It almost killed me.
So the experts do not always know what is best.  The doctors were from various backgrounds with a history of substance abuse themselves and had become addictionologists.  I will stick with this for now.  I do not know if I'll continue this for another year.  I cannot see that far ahead.  My detox off methadone and any other drug is in my control right now.  I do not dose on methadone at the highest dose, but I am on 90 mg.  I will probably drop to 80mg in the next month.  I was on 80mg until I had a total abdominal hysterectomy and oral surgery right behind each other.  Thanks for all the advise.  Honestly, being dependent on anything bothers me.  What if I wake up one day and it is not there?