It shouldn't be this hard..should it?

[dreamin]

I read all of these post everyday, every moment, and it makes me wonder.  Why is this so hard, I know the reality is ..it just is.  But sometimes I see the suffering here and I want to cry out...

We really do help each other here..I forget for a moment about my own demons when I see yours..

thank you for that..

sheila

[Chezz]

Jessica,

I remember your the post of your cat vividly. I too have lost pets. We also do not have any "real" kids. Our pets have always been them. They are a part of us and very big part of our lives.

As you have found out. Addicts are not dirty. You can't point them out in a line-up. They are US.

I am sorry to hear of your financial situation. It seems to just add to the dissarray in our lives sometimes.

I have always accepted everyone in my life. Addict or not. Smart or dumb. Cute or ugly. Those are just WORDS. PEOPLE are the basis and backbone of LIFE. Sometimes I feel that people that have lived the hardest lives have the most to offer. They have been through so much, and obviously have still coped.

Life is too short to judge.

I thought money would change my life. I thought if I finally "made it", that somehow I could leave all of the hurt, the pain, the shame, the anger...behind. Of course it never would.

I have now embraced all of those things in my life. When I accepted that they are a part of me, I finally felt WHOLE.

I am still ashamed, scared, hurt, and lonely. I too have had those thoughts of suicide.  

Until you can FORGIVE YOURSELF, you will always have those thoughts in your head. They will come back everytime something happens in your life that is "too much" for you.

Until you ACCEPT YOURSELF, and love you for you, they will be hiding around the corner waiting for you to let them back in.

I am still learning everyday.

Life is going to continue on its path. We can't change that.

We can change how we let it affect us.

For today, I love me for me. I love the person I am trying to become. I love the person I am now,  I accept me for me.

You have so much to offer the world. You have been through things some people can't even fathom. You have an inner strength that some can only hope for.

You are a survivor.

You have LIFE to offer the world.

Chezz

[percsnomas]

Welcome to the group!!
Firstly, sorry for the loss of one of your 'furry ones'....we've had lengthy discussions on this forum about pets and how incredible they truly are.
The words that rolled off your tongue, that you are apologizing about, i certainly relate as i intimated/iterated a million times over the years, the same idea(about my alcoholic brother-22 years solid drinking); to only find myself dead center of a 12-18 percocet/day habit of 3+ years. I never "understood" or didn't want to... i would just say use your will power.  Boy did those words come back to bite me in the ass.
Volumes of people come here with terrible, seemingly hopeless addictions frequently as a result of horrendous/tragic/traumatizing events of their lives; but with alot of work and support, make it to the other side.
Just reading your story, makes it impossible to NOT be frightened about quitting and bringing back all your pain/grief from your past, but sounds like your taking steps to get your life back.  Unfortunately, that means putting your addiction front and center, as opiate addiction is such a nasty and progressive thing.
You'll get loads of wisdom and support(not to mention phrasing things better than me) from people that have been to hell and back. Please post more about you...WE CARE!!

[Jessica5683]

Good Morning,
Yes, we live pretty close about 40 minutes away. I'm like one minute away from Simi Valley and 5 minutes away from Thousand Oaks. My story..... WOW ok here it goes, were to start, Well first of all my choice of drug is lorcet 10-650 and I take about 12 to 14 a day. I have been taking them for three years and have tried to quit 4 or 5 times and what a pain in the @ss it is as I'm sure you know. Never in my life did I think I would become an addict. It started out innocently due to surgery and the fact I have rhuematiod arthritis and fibromyalgia and a non union facture in my neck. I will admitt but NOT proud at all that I use to believe that people who were addicts were extremly weak people and using to not deal with life or live in reality.  To the day I die I will be sorry for that pathetic judgemental way of thinking. To all that abuse any kind of subsence I'm truely from the bottem of my heart so sorry for my no excuse of thinking. I now know the truth and I don't ever think I will forgive myself for my thoughts before I myself became an addict. What else can I tell you about me? I had a crapy childhood hood. Sever unbelievable abuse for many many years of my life that resulted in me becoming mulitple personality disorder and since I can remember wanting to commit suicide. I was adopted twice and in both families was abused sexually, emotionally, and physically. For all that I went through I turned out pretty good to be honest. Before I started using I was un-happy, planning everday how to take my life, un able to cope with my past so to say, night mares almost every night, huge panic attacks. When I started using Lorcet it seemed to all go away and I loved it. For once in my life my past didn't have my future so to say. One of the BIG reasons I'm scared to quit because of all that coming back. I am in therapy and have a great therapist. My addiction is a secret what means NO ONE except for all you on here and my therapist knows!!!!! I'm 35 married and un happy in marriage which very shortly is coming to an end. We are lossing our house because of to many bills and NOT enough money coming in. I have no kids except for the furry ones in which I just lost one last week : (  Which broke my heart. I guess thats about it. I would love to be there for you if you would like. My e mail is ***@**** if you want to write me. Take care and hope this helps. Hope I didn't offend anyone with my stupidity before I became an addict and again I swear I'm so so so sorry!!!! Love Jessica

[Sean5110]

Boy do I second that! I don't know if you've read above somewhere but there's a poster named Bodymechanic who gives out information regarding a buprenorphine clinic in Baltimore that he started going to a couple of days ago. Well, that is exactly where I started 3 days ago. I mean this place is a tiny hole in the wall place, and here we are nearly starting there at the same time! It was so relieving to see that, just to know that some here is also "here". I asked this person to email if so inclined.

I think I might try to go to an aa meeting tonight. It may be my first and last (I cannot get away from my family responsibilities most nights). I just really feel a need to be with people who understand and can be supportive.

Please let us know how day 17 goes for you.

Sean

[Moxy-oxy]

Jessica-
I think I may live close to you...I live in Sherman Oaks but work in Hollywood...tell us your situation again, because you are a sporadic poster. Sometimes this process gets so isolating that just to know someone is close by that lives in the same hell you do is comforting..

[Sean5110]

Groovy, Thank you for the detail. I was hoping that you would say, "Sean, after 5 days of bup, you'll feel like you would 5 days after stopping cold turkey". I can deal with that, realizing that, by day 5 the worst is very much over and the lethargy and emotions remain. But feeling the effects of bup withdrawal was not something I was contemplating. I guess it's all relative though: this process is a step above cold turkey and for that I'm grateful.

Wardman: Actually, it was only during the last weeks that I was taking that much. It was insanity. I was forging prescriptions. Out of control, you know. It was as if I knew I was going to stop so I was going on a massive splurge. Very dangerous and stupid.

I truly hope you will pick your day 1 and stick to it no matter what and get to that place a few weeks later where you are renewed and refreshed and living a really fruitful life. I know it comes because it has come to me before. Many times. The last was 9 or 10 years ago after a heroine addiction. I never dreamed life could get as good and adventurous as it came to be in the following years. Like an ungrateful brat though, I invited the monster back in last March. I've been wandering in the land of the half-dead ever since and my family and job and spirit have suffered greatly. But today is Day 3 and I am even now at this moment off to the clinic to recieve my bup treatment.

Please keep us all posted. I will say a prayer for your success.

Sean