Day 21 :(

[jenny8575309]

Hey guys!  Day 21, and today is my son's b-day, he's 8.  I guess I'm just coming here to vent.  I'm clean, but I'm having a few problems in my life, my Grandma w/ Alzheimers has taken a turn for the worse, my bf and I are having serious issues, I think it's time for us to part ways, and I'm having alot of trouble at work.  I wish that I could feel the way I felt on Day 15 or Day 16, but I'm lonely, depressed, and quite frankly, I spend the days waiting for them to end.  I'm always stressed out.  I wish I could enjoy life again.  I think there is something in my mind that's saying "you could be happy, all you have to do is score"  I just feel melancholy, and stressed out.  I know it's normal to be sad/ stressed out about breakups, and your Grandma dying, and trouble at work.  The problem I'm having is that these things are giving me "excuses" or "reasons"  I just want to be comfortable in my own skin again.  Is there any other way besides pills?

[VOsRose]

I'm sorry you're dealing with painful things in your life.  I know how much these things can cause you to rationalize using again...I've done it so many times.  The thing to remember is that using is not going to fix the problem...it is only going to complicate it.  Unfortunately, the ups and downs of life are magnified when going through withdrawal.  Even after the bad physical part is over, you are still going through withdrawal for a while.  It's hard to cope.  Even little things seem blown out of proportion.  

Just try to take things a minute at a time.  Find a good book to lose yourself in.  Go for a walk.  Get online and post to us and tell us about what's going on...Anything but take a pill!  It won't solve anything and will put you back at square one.  Hang in there.  I'll say a prayer for you.  Keep us posted.

Rosie

[jenny8575309]

Anyway, he came over, and I told him I'm tired of his arrogance, and his lack of ambition.  He is perfectly content to let me carry the brunt of the financial burdens, and he is totally satisfied with helping me out sometimes.  He said he wants to marry me, I don't want to marry someone who is perfectly fine w/ letting a woman support him.  I'm not saying I want a sugar daddy or anything, but if were a family he should at least want to help me.  It should hurt him to see me working all the time, and never having any money.  He should want to better himself, if he really loved me.  He's lazy, and un-ambitious, and arrogant, what a f'd up combination.  I admit he helps me a little, but that's not enough, I can be broke by myself.  Plus the way he talks about my kids really pisses me off.  It's like he is completly disgusted with them because they threw a candy wrapper on the floor, or left their shoes on the floor.  He's such a loser.  I'll be happier w/out him.  Right guys?  I know this is an addiction forum, but part of my addiction is lonliness, and I'm scared I made a rash decision.  I wish I had the clarity to make decisions and stand by them, but I always weeble-wobble.  For example, he knows i'm having serious financial problems, and I asked him 2 weeks ago if he'd help me with the boys birthday presents, he shows up today and gives Jaden 5 dollars...!  He thinks bringing me a carton of eggs is 'helping me'  If he lives in this house he should want to contribute more.  If he loved us, he's want to help us right?

[jenny8575309]

Thanks guys!  We went to Denny's and Jaden had his favorite Apple Crisp dessert.  Then we went roller skating, I didn't want to skate at first, but I went ahead and paid my way in case I changed my mind.  I did, and I had a blast.  My kids were so cute, and it felt great to get some excersise.  After that we went to Wal-mart and got him a Laser-tag set, and some game that he wanted.  My heart was hurting because my bf left, but I don't need him, and I'm starting to see him for who he is and what he's about, I don't need him, all I need are my kids, he stresses me out, I'll be better off w/out him.  He's one of those people that are always on a high-horse. He thinks he's so much better than me and the kids cos he's a neat freak and we're not.  He's been to prison four times for DWI's, he is either supported by me or his mom, and he's completly satisfied, working the bare minimum, a few hours here a few hours there, and he's still swallowing pills.  He really is the most Arrogant person I know, and it's becoming apparent that he's using me and he doesn't like my oldest son.  Thanks for your replies, I'm just gonna try to stay busy, thinking about going to a meeting soon also.  **** pills and **** charlie!  Jeffrey, sorry.. sometimes life sux, but some people belive things happen for a reason, and in time, they just kinda fall into place.  Thanx TMTC, I really appreciate the good advice, it's funny I didn't read your post till I got home, but that's exactly what I did.  I didn't want to, I didn't have the energy, but getting out of the house really made me feel better, and I'm so glad I don't have to feel guilty for blowing Jaden's b-day off.  He said he had a great day!  Thanks Lurker, it really feels good to have someone say nice things about you.  You guys are just awesome~

[JEFFREY445]

Hey jenny gratz on day 21 thats awsome.I know what u feel like about 2 weeks ago my wife took are two kids and left .Im in the middle of of losing my house.And too top it all off she told me two days ago she was seeing someone esle.

[lurker]

Congratulations on 21 days - that's fantastic.  It is hard once you're clean and sober because you then have to deal with life on life's terms.  I too have a grandmother who is not doing well. I'm looking at it this way - at least now that the pills aren't running my life I can be there for her rather than always being high and in pursuit of the next high.  And think about how great you will be for your son's birthday.  He'll have his mom's full attention.  Lucky boy.
Sorry you're stuggling - try to focus on how great it is not to be a slave to the pills and keep reminding yourself how hard it was to get to 21 days and what a great, strong woman you are for facing your addiction head on and doing something about it.  I see you as someone who has a lot of positives going on too - just hard to see them right now.  Peace to your soul.

[ToManyToCount]

Take today and focus on your son's b-day.  Immerse yourself in making the day all about him and it will give you a break from all the stress on focusing on those other items that are driving you nuts.  

I can understand the feeling of the falling house of cards syndrome, as we refer to it here in our house.  I don't know if it will work for you, but whenever I get to feeling like the stress is all too much and the walls are closing in, I declare my life a BS-free zone and clean house.  I stop taking those calls that I know will just aggravate the fool out of me, ask those who behave like fill-ins for the Springer Show to take a hike, etc.  Maybe it could work for you?  I hope so.

Remember, YOU are in control.  You've proven that fact for the past 21 days.  Now, tighten up on those proverbial reigns of your life and keep on going.  I know that you have the power to do so.

Take care,

TMTC